I just dont know why i cant get the words out of my mind. I cant forget anything. I remember every single word or name i was called. I remember every punch. I still have the feeling of being terrified every day to do anything and being worried ill do it wrong and disappoint someone. My mind i slowly killing me and its winning. I cant fight for much longer. I hate more when i don’t know a answer to a question. i cant handle being so weak and stupid. I hate when anybody is disappointed in me. I hate me. I cry when […]
Tag:
Mirror
January 5,2011 The day my daddy passed away, The day my 2 year boyfriend broke up with me, Â The day my mom and dad got married through church , The day I tried killing my self …
My dad died from cancer my boyfriend left me for my bestfriend….My bestfriend told all my secrets. That night it was a school night thursday to be exact. I punched a whole in my wall my nuckles turned purple I wanted to hurt myself I thought “I dont desrve to live im just a waste of space nobody cares for me!” I punched the mirror now my nuckles […]
lat night , i broke down , and cried my eyes out , thinking of everything that’s been happening , and i grabbed my picture frame , and threw it against the wall , it broke , and i sat down by the glass , and stared balling my eyes out even more ,  i put my hands down and felt glass all around me , from the mirror i broke earlier ( i usually brake things to keep me from taking out out on myself , ) and so i sat there and started slamming my writs into the glass ,  and i stared bleeding , a […]
What if I told you black people deep down dislike there traits
What if I told you black people hate there hair
What if I told you black people hair there skin
What if I told you black girls hate there height
What if I told you that some black people can’t stand the mirror
What if I told you nobody truly like black people
What if I told you being black sucks
^^ kinda makes me want all darkly color people whipped out of this world… Just for the fact of how much hate would be one there head …. If not by the world…. […]
Yesterday I went for a walk, somehow I felt a little better. I saw some horses and watched them for awhile. Walked in the rain, but it felt good, at least it made me feel. But last night I looked on the internet and there is so much – so much of the opposite of what I’ve always thought was beautiful. Gentleness, tenderness, sweetness, paintings that move you deep inside, someone that would help a neighbor, little children being allowed to be innocent, dreams, words that carry weight, words that mean something. I start to think I wish something had happened to me awhile ago, […]
Today, I turned 18 years old.
On my 16th birthday, after crying myself to sleep, I vowed to never cry over my family again. Instead of focusing on all of the things that were destroying me, I focused on the diet I had started about 10 days prior. It took control of my entire life. By July I weighed less than 100 pounds, my bones stuck out, but I still wanted to be skinnier. I rarely ate, but when I did, I made sure to throw it up.
I started recovering last summer, June 2012. It went well for awhile, but once school started back […]
If I were to be honest for a change and told you what was inside me. All the demons I fight every day. How much regret I have for everything I have done. If I told you that I want to kill myself. Would you understand? Probably not. Everyone looks at me like I’m insane. All the scars on my arms and legs it reminds me that my past is real. Every day I look in the mirror and hate what I see not just the outside the inside too I feel so ugly. I’m full of anger and sadness. I’m deprived from happiness. I […]
I hate who I am. I don’t have reason or cause to, except for, I am me. I don’t like it one bit. If there were a chance I could, just for one day, cease to exist, i’d grasp that chance tight and will it to come true. Forget trying to remember how I’m supposed to smile, how i’m supposed to laugh, how i’m supposed to look, how i’m supposed to be. and for a moment, I’ll close my eyes, and cease to exist. For a moment, I’ll be happy, for a moment I’ll be glad to be me. But this is reality, a place […]
I’m dead. I don’t seem dead, I can breathe and taste food and smell flowers, and I don’t look dead but I AM DEAD. My mind has turned into decay, bit by bit it’s crumbling to dust. A lunatic lives inside here, a scavenger that feeds upon my decaying soul.
I look in the mirror and I don’t see my silhouette anymore, all I see is this thing that’s consuming me and my shadow behind it like a forgotten whisper of who I was once upon a time. I’ve shredded everything that has made me once me, my faith and my imagination are gone and […]
I’m desperate.
For excuses.
For reasons.
For encouragement.
Every night I have to convince myself not to do something drastic.
I have to look at myself in the mirror, and I have to lecture myself for so long just to tell myself not to cut, not to think terrible thoughts, not to attempt suicide, not to cry, not to do anything that harms myself.
I think I’m losing myself.
I’m not feeling as how I used to.
I can’t stay happy. I fake a smile when I’m in school.
But I don’t talk. People talk to me, and I nod as a sign that I’m listening. I’m done with talking.
I don’t know if I’m […]
dont be fooled by the title , i havent cut for two days now that may not seem like a lot to you but it is to me , so i have decided to take a break from this website , i want to forget my past of self harm and i cant do that when i have this page i hope you understand , i am thankful for the people on this website who have helped me to realise that u dont have to be perfect for people to love you , im not fully convinced though 🙂
another reason i wont be using my […]
There is something wrong with me…I’m just not sure what it is. Most of the time I’m sad, and at other times I don’t really feel anything. It’s like I’m numb. Maybe I’m overreacting or just really dramatic but it’s been this way for almost two years now. I always have thoughts of killing myself. The idea of it scares me and usually when I am thinking about doing it, I talk myself out of it. I’m scared that one of these times I might actually go through with it and then what? I know my family would miss me and so would very few […]
Thinking back, I thought I’d been self harming for a year now but really? I’ve been doing it for almost 3. I was just thinking about everything and I remember in 6th grade I used to line my arms in rubber bands and just flick them until my wrists were bloodshot red. Then in 7th grade I finally got over that and tried cutting but swore I’d never do it again. Then I developed Trichotillomania (pulling out my own hair) and that got to an extreme enough point that I had to cut my hair short enough where I couldn’t see it unless I looked in the mirror. I still have […]
“wake up” no one says and she rises to a lonely cold morning, its only four and shes not tired.. she walks to the kitchen, feet padding softly on the white tile. The bright glow from the fridge lights up half of the small apartment and she sighs. “thanks for the dinner.” she muttered in pain, the girl hadn’t eaten in two days because everyone else got to the fridge first. after a burning hot shower she stood in front of the steamy mirror staring at her horrid reflection.. tan skin, almost boy short tangled hair and scars on her face.. the girls took her […]
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I’m sick of looking at myself in the mirror. I’m sick of my boyfriend looking at pictures of these perfect girls on his computer while I sit right next to him and soak in my self hatred. I wish I could be better I wish I didn’t have to make excuses for myself, I wish I had the strength to change. but instead I die inside everyday, as I pick myself apart bit by bit… I don’t even worry about the scars anymore, what’s the point. one of these days I’ll build up enough courage to pushthe razor a little deeper, then I’ll never […]
Hi, I dont know who to talk to or who to open up to because my pain is my pain. And no one can ease that pain. I sit here and I think that the people that said they love me or care for me but where are they now. It’s true, I’m going to be alone and no one to cry to or tell me we are going to get through this together. W hy have these men come into my life and took that one thing I CHERISHED. Therevare times whereby I just want to find that one blade that will end my […]
Do me a favor. Right now, wherever you are, get up, look in a mirror, a window reflection, even a spoon would work! Just take a look at yourself. I don’t care if you’re about to drop from the rope, ready to fall asleep after you downed hundreds of whatever pill, or if you’re just sitting in bed silently killing yourself. Get up, look at yourself and smile. Ask yourself, do you remember them? Do you remember happy? Sometimes, I don’t. Sometimes, I look at the stranger staring back at me and say “How do you know me?”
Tonight, I didn’t know the stranger. But the stranger […]
What bullying is
Bullying is a judger. It sometimes judges. It is always wrong. It is never right. Sometimes bullied victims will see in the mirror how bullies described them. But they don’t know that they are beautiful no matter what. They have gotten to the point where they forget that bullies are just like virus on a computer. Viruses make us get frustrated. Bullies do too. It is not true what bullies say. If they say to go and die you think it is what you need to do. You don’t need to. Just ignore them or stand up for yourself even if have to […]
I look in the mirror, I say, loser, freak, fa&&ot, piece of $h¿t.  I say, you SUCK!  YOU’RE NOTHING!
Every time. every…. time….
Sometimes I can say things that are nicer, kind of over top, or after. Â But I can’t not hear the hurtful words.
People said these things all through junior high and high school.  One was even a Policeman’s son.  Nobody did anything Not even when I was hospitalized twice for trying to kill myself. I’d just say I was fine, and nobody batted an eyelash to it.
It gets worse from there…. long story short, I’m in my thirties now, Â I still hear their words…but it’s […]
I wrote this poem directly after a emotional conversation with my parents and the familytherapist. It was the first conversation and therapy with my parents and the therapist.
Like you have to hold your own mirror in front of you.
So you can see all those negativities.
You have to face them,
but you don’t want it because it only takes you down.
Makes you more depressed and more negative than before,
but it’s the only way to face it.
It’s the only way to get rid of those negativities.
But the fact you want to die more than you did before is the […]