Hi, I suffer from Manic Depression . Not many in my school know that. They think i’m happy, maybe even normal teenage girl. I’m 14. But this is were it all started.
When I was little, I was always the “troubled” child. My parents would curse at me , call me a “retard” , “slut” “whore” all different types of names when I just was two years of age. It wasn’t only the names… my mom was a drunk and my dad wasn’t so much of a help either, she would hit me, with all sorts of things, whatever she could get her hands on. […]
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My mind wanders all sorts of dark places. It’s like life is never going to change. The fear of death is only because your attached to something or someone. I have someone. I don’t fear death though. I learned that fear is just in your mind and it can go away. I can disappear and the world keeps spinning. My death will only define who I was. Although I want people to remember me as happy that would just be lying to themselves and that’s useless. I don’t really regret anything right now and I want to die in peace and I feel like this is the […]
How long has it been since I’ve heard your name out loud.. How long has it been since I’ve thought of you..? I’ve buried you down deep in my heart so one day when I can finally come to terms with my own suicide I can think of you… How many times have I carved your Initials in my flesh? How many days have past since you lost yourself? I only wish that you were here to guide me through everything… I’m like a child… still doing childish things… wanting to make adult choices… Jason… I miss you so much… Why did you have to […]
Last night was just an all around bad night. My girlfriend needed to go to the hospital and I offered to go with her, but she said “no” because I need to sleep for school, understandable. And then my boyfriend said he will go with and she jumped at the idea which honestly just bugged the shit out of me. I mean, how in the world did it make sense that she only wanted him with her. I just was so mad. And then again I was bothered because they just automatically assumed I will watch their 2 year old daughter. And yes, I know […]
this is my first time ever talking about my suicidal feelings. i guess I should let you know about me. I’m 18 and I’ve been trying to kill myself since I was ten not sure what made me want to start but i’ve been trying ever since. Sometimes I’ll be “fine” for weeks and then i drop back to wanting to die or cut which can last for a few days or sometimes months. In total I’ve tried 12 times one was about 3 hours ago and shortly after started puking, my mom walked in the bathroom and asked if I was ok and i told […]
The first time I tried to kill myself was on November 3rd 2012.
I was friends with this girl Tori, and then one day, for no reason I know of, she changed. She hated me. I didn’t know what I did. But that week after she changed was hell for me. She called me things, made fun of me, tripped me, hit me. And on that day, I’d had enough. When I get on the bus, I instantly regretted it. It’s like I could feel that I was going to go home and kill myself. My bus stop is the first one, right before hers. When […]
I know we’ll never understand each other but just try to make an effort.
You don’t imagine how frustrating is have a “depressive” side that no one in your family knows or even imagine. I hide my tears. I hide my sadness. I hide my fooling (?) I hide just that side.
I wish I can make you proud but even if I try and try I can’t is something inside me who need to disappear before I could.
I love you even if sometimes I want you to disappear
Please forgive me
Why is it so hard for me to let people in? Why do I put on a mask and hide my emotions? I can almost feel a curtain come down, blocking my soul from whoever may be there.
I just don’t know what to do. I feel stuck,trapped oddly enough by my family. My husband has too much at work, and I don’t know how my kids would handle me having a second stay in the hospital in one year. That’s why the permanent solution keeps rolling around in my brain. Just be done with all of this. There’s a […]
For a while now (for as long as I can remember; 2-4 weeks.), I’ve been okay with the fact of dying. Being in the hospital a couple weeks back, I was on blood thinners and I started to bleed. Badly. Like “oh my god, I need a doctor in here!†and they needed to clean my sheets immediately. I bet they always clean sheets immediately, but I’m still saying. And most of the time I felt the liquid drip down onto my chest (my arm was on my chest when it started to bleed), I didn’t moan to my mom to get a nurse. […]
I don’t know why I feel this way. I use to be a mellow, laid back person. I worked hard, but only if the benefits outweighed the costs. I graduated high school, got into a university. I did everything I was told to do and everything that was expected of me. My whole purpose had been drilled into me to get to college. Never anything else. Now I have a job and attend classes. No one even looks this way now. As long as I continue to work and take classes I am ignored. Until they want something of course. My father, does not even […]
Do you guys think panic attacks are…wimpy? My mom does. Actually, I just had one a moment ago. She says she doesn’t want tantrums at her house. I can’t help it though. I’ll start hyperventilating, and suddenly I start screaming my head off. I’m so stressed I can’t take it anymore! These attacks just come and go. Anything can trigger them. Every time I have one, I just feel so weak and worthless. But this time I almost got my razor out. I don’t even have anything to be depressed about. I have no right to be depressed!
As we are to the world, but I guess you would know that.
Favorite line from my favorite song. But moving forward.
I’ve been plagued with the world’s worse bout of depression I’ve ever felt. Its not that I havn’t felt this way before, but the difference here is that I can’t cry; and something about that seems to be hindering my healing process. Quite frankly though, I’m getting tired. Very tired.
I feel like I’m going insane, and the stillness I’m experiencing is like an inner ring of hell. I’m depressed to a point where there’s NOTHING I want to do, which makes no sense seeing as […]
I feel like everyone has a sob story or what some might call a good reason. “I’m insecure” or “I’m depressed” or “I’m abused”. That’s all sad and really painful and I get why you might just want to give up.
The thing with me is: I don’t even have any of that. It was a slow process, but at the same time it happened in the blink of an eye; a rush of clarity for me.
There’s nothing for me here. There never will be. Nothing had to happen to convince me of it, because I think I’ve always known.
Nothing ever feels right. […]
sundays my birthday, im turning 16 and im not excited at all. im very depressed, i dont know what to do. i just want to die. i have nobody to talk to about how im really feeling. im tired of hiding all this. i need to open up to someone but i cant trust anybody. day by day i lose more and more friends. i think it might get to the point where i have no friends and then i would really have nobody. if i does come to that point i just might have to end my life and  i have my mom but i […]
Hello, I’ve been lurking around this site for quite awhile now. Obsessively reading every post. I know I spelled serotonin in my username wrong, unfortunate really. Anyways, it’s 4:43 am where I live and I can’t sleep so I decided to post my experience with suicide attempts. I am not good with dates so it will be a unspecific measurement like a year ago or in January. I will be going into specific suicide techniques so…spoiler alert.
When I was young everything was easy for me. Sports, I was a natural, school was easy never had […]
So lately I’ve been feeling like I’m useless..it feels like everything I do is not good enough. I just want to leave this world. I think It would be better without me here. I need someone to talk to but I have a hard time opening up to people. Last time I opened up to someone they showed me why I don’t open up to people. I’m tired of crying every night. I just want to end the pain. I’m hurt, depressed, angry. I just want it to all go away. Everything is tooo much. I’m 15 in highschool and im failing all my […]
im an outcast. i wish i was normal, i wish i wasnt this broken. maybe they’d like me then. maybe i’d be accepted. but it wont happen. i dont know how to fight the demons in my head and i have no energy left to do so. where my heart should be,its empty. if you look close enough,in every picture of mine,my eyes just look dead. they are dead. arent they the windows to your soul.
im completing the process; the date’s may 24th. its a friday. noone will know,probably. this time it will work, i have everything i need im sure its enough to […]
I’m really sorry I made this so long but if anyone can read and respond I’d be very grateful.
When I was in 3rd grade, I transferred out of my elementary school and went to a different one. However, when I got to the new school, I was always bullied. I don’t know why, but people just never seemed to like me. I would sometimes get beat up and kicked around at recess. I remember one particular day when they lured me behind a tree in 4th grade and 3 guys beat the hell out of me. Sure, my parents went and talked to the teachers […]
I’m new here, but I’ve been following this site for a few months now. I tried committing suicide almost a year ago. I was hospitalized for about 3 days before going into a psychiatric hospital for a week. It scared the hell out of me. I promised myself I never wanted to end up there again. The only people that know about this are my parents and my sister I was too ashamed to tell my best friend or any other family members. I did actually tell one friend from online but she completely laughed at me. Told me I was such a wuss  trying to commit […]
I woke up this morning, it was awful.
Tomorrow, I have my first shrink appointment in two years. I’m anxious, my heart sinking at the thought of it. The last time I was in her office, I told her about being raped. She made me tell my mom, even drove me home so she could be sure I would do it. But, being poor, I cant afford another one in town.
I’m near tears, not excited about this, but my boyfriend needs me to seek professional help, whether he’ll admit it or not. I don’t think he can take my shit anymore. I hurt inside, I ache. […]