I’m dead. I don’t seem dead, I can breathe and taste food and smell flowers, and I don’t look dead but I AM DEAD. My mind has turned into decay, bit by bit it’s crumbling to dust. A lunatic lives inside here, a scavenger that feeds upon my decaying soul.
I look in the mirror and I don’t see my silhouette anymore, all I see is this thing that’s consuming me and my shadow behind it like a forgotten whisper of who I was once upon a time. I’ve shredded everything that has made me once me, my faith and my imagination are gone and […]
Tag:
Moving
Garrett’s moving. I’m never going to see him again. It just makes me want to tell him how I feel… But I just can’t. I won’t be hurt again. I refuse. I deserve better. I fucking deserve better than what I’ve got. I deserve happiness. I deserve love. Â Or maybe I don’t. I mean, how much can be taken away before I have nothing? I feel like I’m completely gone already. I feel like my heart’s been cut out. Ripped out, more like. I just want Garrett… I really do. But he’s gone. Today was his last day. I should have told him. But I […]
Hot sweaty hands slowly moving from my knee.
Swallow down my unease because he promised to love me.
cling to the knife that makes the memories fade.
Old scars and new scars that are all the same.
Hand trailing higher now to my thigh.
The little girl who I once was is now so hard to find.
Burning dirty hands taking away my innocence.
I’ve never once felt whole again.
Trails of blood where his hands once were.
His burning flesh grasping and groping harder.
The blood runs down and mixes with my tears.
And I know that even after all these years,
His hands and any other mans hands are still my greatest fears.
yeah, so this is the first time im posting something on this site, 3 weeks ago, my friend Steve suicided in the cafeteria, everyone saw it, blood on the wall behind him, gun on the ground, I stayed in the cafeteria for 3 hours, then a teacher told me to go and relax. Im moving in 3 days, my parents are not together anymore, it feels really bad, plus my dad told me it was my fault, and my mom told me I was ”retarded”.. She told this to me because when I told her that I need help, the first thing she told to […]
I saw pictures of him snogging another girl at this party. It’s my 17th next week and I was going to tell him I was sorry and could he forgive me and give us another go.
I’d split up with him because I felt unable to commit myself emotionally, I couldn’t give him the time nor attention he deserved. I think the biggest reason is that I knew he wasn’t in to me, I was just a way for him to get back at his ex, who is one of my close mates.
But I fucking love him. I really do. and I want him to keep […]
So a few of you knew how my mom threatened to kick me out the other day.
Well it’s happening for real. Tomorrow I’ll be packing my stuff in preparation to move out of my house and into someone else’s. There’s a couple at my church willing to let me stay in their home, so I’ll have a place to stay.
I’m 15. My mom got kicked out of her house when she was 13. My dad left his house when he was 16. I guess you could say we all moved out early.
Anyway, I just want to let you guys know that this […]
i am sick of being used, i am sick of feeling played and unwanted. i dont want to be led on, but im never the control of the leash. what is better about he/her/them? what the fuck do people see/not see i mean really i have to know. But fuck you, fuck you fuck you, okay? fuck you.. i dont know. i hate how i feel sometimes. i have no one to turn to, i have no one to talk to. eventually people get bored or whatever and just stop talking to me so, whatever. i guess in reality im pathetic. im really just running […]
I am healing. Bit by bit and slowly. I am regaining the smile I’fe been hiding and ignoring for years.
But I am scared. Still scared.
I am hated and loved, used and cared by people all around. I thought families, blood, adopted, and steps were suppose to care, help, love. I never got that.
From my mother or my step-father. My brother and my birth father were the only ones who cared.
My brother was my protector and my real father was my savior when he took full custody of me. But though healing. I am still scared.
I lost the one man who […]
I rather die now rather then later, i have thought of death since i was 5 or so and thought of ways to go to do the deed, i am 24 now . I was married for 3 years to my highschool sweetheart. I work at a hospital and love the place. I am mostly known as a bright , outgoing happy go lucky girl, but I much rather die. There is this pain that I am always surrendered to, a feeling of almost bliss when I surrender that yes its my time to die. I feel calm and the pain seems to make since […]
I’m still breathing, the blood is still rushing through my veins, my hands are still moving. From the outside, everything seems to be okay. I seem like a normal high school girl, with a bubbly personality, always smiling, always happy. If only they would take the time to look beneath that mask I put on everyday. If only they would go that extra step to notice that the countless scars on my arm are not from my rabbits, but from my Swiss knife. If only they would realize that their words kick me over the edge every time.
I could probably spend ages going through each […]
The days get shorter and the darkness gets longer, but somehow I find myself feeling better than I have in weeks. I applied for a writing program and got an unpaid internship. Somehow I know something is going to go wrong and I don’t think I can handle it. I don’t want to handle it. I will overcome that bridge when I come to it. For now though I am going to act like I’m somewhat okay and keep living.
I’m scared of moving on and letting this temporary time of peace go…
I really don’t understand. Nothing affects me like my father. I’ve had my brother tell me he is so disappointed in me, that I am selfish and immature, that I abuse the ones I love with what I do, that all I care about is attention-seeking, that I’m going to fail in life. I’ve had my mother tell me that she simply can’t believe that I am not doing this to hurt her. That my cutting, that my suicide attempts, that even my physical illnesses like my catatonic episodes where I ended up in Hopkins Neurology because I couldn’t move my body, that all of […]
…as I keep going through the time, I find myself in places I’ve never been, you know, every moment is a place where you’ve never been. But at the same time, you are always here. Always everywhere. Moving along with the Universe.
I hope the level of fear I experience on daily basis, equals the level of joy I will be able to feel someday.
Everything is always changing.
I’ve been suicidal for two years, but during those two years I had reasons to keep going. Yeah, those reasons were few and far between, but they were there. I have virtually no reason to live anymore. I can’t drag people down. My friends – they don’t know about this. They didn’t much know about my self-harm (well, not purposely. If it was my choice they wouldn’t know at all), and they don’t know much about my ED. I find all of this, all of what I’m going though, humiliating. I’m not this person. I never was. I used to be so happy, and I […]
I don’t think I can do this anymore. I thought this would be a fresh start but the same things hit me over and over again. I’m on medication but it doesn’t seem to help and I’m broke, so broke I can’t afford to continue. I can’t focus or concentrate on what needs to get done. Right now, that’s my assignments. My lecturers have extended deadlines but I still can’t go through the hurdles.
My friends are frustrated with me. They just want me to get the work over and done with. But I can’t. I don’t understand the things I read anymore and soon I […]
My name is Lyndsay & this is my experience in hell on earth.
I’m 20 years old, female, college student.
The craziest year of my life started August of 2011… Right around my birthday…. It seems like my birthday is a celebration of the worst times in my life. It’s like oh joy but not why you might think.
I was attending college and living at home with my mom and little brother. I had known that my mom had an addiction to pills all of my childhood. This has caused more problems than you can imagine (example seeing her go through withdraws and throwing […]
This is long and scattered and weird, but if I don’t let everything out on here I’m gonna let it out on my skin, so… read, or don’t..
Starting in January this year, things have been getting easier. Near the end of school and beginning of summer break, life was great. Better than it’s been in years. Always hanging with my girlfriend, we stopped fighting ever… i was sometimes depressed but always ok! It was great, it was… unbelievable.
When I realized how unbelievably easier my life had been to tolorate recently, I started to think of the future. Things can’t be this easy forever. Eventually I’m gonna have hard shit […]
I’ve been moving on lately. Not in the way one would imagine. I’ve become raw and uncut in my creativity. I’m exposing myself to the world with photos of what i see, thing I model in a virtual space, things i may draw by hand and music. Oh no I’m still not happy. But I’ve decided to keep pretending.
I”m doing light work. Work as in making amends to old flames if I possibly can. Maybe an offer of friendship or two. I’m learning to forgive my parents even though they still bait trap and subtly belittle for effect, and myself because I keep making mistakes. […]
Had a rough few days. I’m so drained, and still have things to take care of. Crying every now and then. Music by my side, stuffed animal by my side. I do not hunger and I do not thirst. I just sit here like a brick as I keep moving forward. I read a an old posted link and It made me realize I am not as good as I thought. While other want to fight but don’t know how I’d just like to get away from everything. Away far away. I don’t know where that is. But it’s what I want. And just like […]
I am not one for showing my true feelings to the general public. I consider myself to have gone completely numb on the inside but nobody could ever tell thanks to my happy personality which I fake just so I do not have to answer questions regarding my true life. I thought once I got out of high school my life would be a bit different, it is in some ways but not everything is peachy. I have been physically and mentally abused by my mom since I was born and I am 21 now and it still continues. According to her I am worthless, […]