i fell back into that place again. that place of darkness, hopelessness, and futility. that place that all of you have worked so hard to get me out of. im not thinking of 2015. im not thinking of this afternoon. im thinking of right now. this second, fighting that damn urge. so here i am again, thinkin of all of you and the things you have taught me, trying to distract my mind, to shut it up so i wont give in and listen to it. why wont it go away? why wont it leave me alone?why does it torture me, shut me down and […]
Tag:
my life
Here I lay at 3am still trying to fall asleep.
The thoughts of suicide keep flooding into my mind. Prying at the walls of my skull. Screaming in my ears and telling me to kill myself. Though, I’ve tried it a few times. But my world never seemed to end.
Drink bleach; I’m rushed to the hospital.
Overdose; my body refused.
Climb to the top of a building; I’m afraid of heights.
People tell me that God put me here for a reason. But prove to me that this God exists and that he put me here for a reason. I am suffering in this madness. If this God supposedly […]
If I truly wanted to kill myself I think I would have done it by now. It has been on my mind for years now, but I just keep lying to myself that things will get better. I am constantly fixing one problem in my life just for another to arise. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am out of options.
I have shared with a few closer friends that I intended on ending my life recently, and of course they all wanted to stop me. I am struggling daily with the decision, but what I have found astounding from people is that when I try to find some way to do something positive, or productive with them (in order to move life forward and not think about suicide), they don’t show much interest at all. If I mention suicide, they are concerned for a while and ask what they can do. However, when it comes time to follow through… in fact a few seem to […]
I’m not ok, I’m very far from ok. I’m am more then broken and even more then shattered. I’m don’t feel alive anymore and haven’t for a long time now, many days I have to remind myself that I am still here. My life and life situation is extremely complicated so I will do my best to explain. The worst and most extreme trauma is recent but I’ll save this for last. There are many parts of my life that effects me to this day so I’ll starting from when I was a child to present day and do my best to explain thing simply. […]
With a new year approaching I can never help but to ponder. Ponder the years gone by and the year to come. I’ve gotta admit for the most part looking back I feel three emotions above all others. Pride, embarrassment and sadness. Pride at coming this far, despite picking out a go date, more than once, despite getting hold of method after method, most painless and most sure fire. Despite every descision I took that screwed my life up I somehow stayed with it. I’m gonna be proud about that if ye don’t mind. And embarrassed at the way I usto be, way back when. […]
I lost my mom (almost) 2 years ago and ever since then every thing about me has changed. I withdraw further and further in and have no interest in staying connected. I feel trapped… I have 4 kids and I couldn’t do that to them. I have thrown myself into my kids activities just to keep busy and my mind silent.
The busy schedule also helps me have an excuse to not hang out with friends. My family, friends and boyfriend think I have an aversion to fun now. It’s not that I do, it’s that I just don’t feel joy anymore. How am I supposed […]
I feel that I have to hide a side of myself, that I have to pretend to be a person that I am not because it seems that society views people that suffer from a mental illness as being social outcasts, people that are dangerous or viewed as being weak.
It takes so much effort and energy just to exist. But, it seems that most people don’t see that effort as being enough. They don’t see that I’m giving 100% of myself to just be alive; they don’t see the daily struggle. To be a “normal” person I have to give so much more than 100%. It is entirely […]
was the day you left me. It’s been over 3 years. I don’t know what to think. You told me if we were meant to be, it’d happen. I still believe you’re my soul mate, but I don’t know where you are, what you’re doing, how you are, or even if you’re alive. I know you needed to leave, I needed you to leave, but fuck you. You haven’t checked up on me once. I was fine for a while, I’ve gotten used to the fact. I barely remember what it’s like to have you in my life other than you made me the happiest […]
I… What do i want? What exactly is it that would like to do or pursue? I had the full complete chance of running away, but i stayed. I stayed because i knew what i wanted to seek can be sought anywhere and my running away, in that regard, is a hypocritical move. But now that i’ve stayed, even my seeking seems to have stopped. I couldn’t imagine my life without seeking, and now I’m living it. Or am i? I think deep down i still do crave for seeking. How to get fulfillment? What is it that will fulfill me? There must be something, […]
I have had a miserably hard life. I dont know how to write this or why i should or why anyone would care. i was molested and smothered as a child by my very sick father and my very sick mother did nothing about it. they drink. i dont remember most of my childhood and what i do remember is horrific. my father’s seductive abuse of me continued as a teenager. my younger brother went crazy and is now living in a halfway house and has had issues with the law and with alcohol. my older brother b/c a lawyer and had two children and […]
I know that believing in destiny, fate, or God is somewhat magical thinking which is a symptom of various mental illnesses. But, I believe that destiny brought us together. I believe that life is full of magic and love is one of those magical beliefs. So, why is it so wrong for me to believe that it was our destiny to meet, to fall in love? Why is it so wrong to believe that when you meet the love of your life, you believe it was destiny and that you’ll only find that one love of your life only once within your lifetime?
I love you, […]
History reapeats as the darkness comes flooding back into my life. I bleed black, for the monster is me. Symbiotic with a world slowly dying, I am everything and nothing. Money makes the man, but nothing gold can stay.
The years between my graduation from college and meeting you were filled with depression and loss; I was in an existential crisis; I was a tortured soul. I became an abuser of alcohol. But, that abuse went unnoticed because I lived in a college town where binge drinking was the norm. I worked a job where my co-workers partied hard. We had so many parties where I drank to the point of blacking out on too many occasions to count. I suppose the drinking was a way to cope with my distress. I can remember many occasions where I would be driving or doing any […]
Life is empty & meaningless, without any/no purpose, Life is boring, empty! There is no meaning of life! fuck life, fuck reality !
by niki
written by niki
Life is empty & meaningless, without any/no purpose, Life is boring, empty! There is no meaning of life! fuck life, fuck reality !
The more I grow up & learn after all these 32 years of my life, sadly, the more I feel hopeless especially for humanity / our humans species!
MAJORITY of people / humans beings / humanity are so damn shallow, superficial, vain, ignorant, stupid, fake, dirty, liars, etc etc.
I used to have so much HOPE for humanity , but now the hope is dwindling until it’s almost none !!
MOST people are sadly only concerned with vain, shallow, mundane “daily-life” & little […]
These are the main emotions I’m feeling right now as i desire to take my life away. I am a complete and utter failure and drug addict, I’ve manipulated and lied to those around me and the people who care for me, I really just want someone to kill me, atleast that way I can’t fail at suicide. I’m consistently troubled and shut down to anyone who tries to get close, I’ve failed at school twice, have no money to my name and just am at a lack of words now, I want it all to end now.
I’m sick of my life… It’s so boring… all magic that existed when I was a kid has now gone… magic turned into cynicism… society sucks… people just want what’s good for themselves, don’t care about others…
I’m a 30 year-old man living in Montréal, Québec, Canada…
I feel like my life means nothing, that I am not important to anyone. Last year, I stopped talking to most of my family because I was sick of being the last one of the family and being treated like I’m the last one in the family, even though I’m fuc***g 30 years old. I tend too much to rely on […]
I feel so absolutely alone even though I’m surrounded by very dear friends. I can’t talk to them about the things that bother me because then they’ll see who I really am; a weirdo, a creep, a monster. I’m all alone and my story of loss and heart break doesn’t matter.
I wish I had died when I attempted suicide twice within two days a few years ago. It seems that my life will only be comprised of me pretending to be happy when on the inside I’m suffering egregiously.
I wish there was something I could do to take away the pain, but there is nothing. Therapy […]
I haven’t killed myself because my entire family is going through rough times, a death would only set them back that much more. This house is falling apart, literally, and everyone in it suffers daily. How selfish would they think i was if i took my life? Why would that matter? I’d be dead. No one could tell me anything because I’d be erased and that’s what I want. But thats not what im allowed to do, even in death I’m a burden. I never thought I’d be this young and want to die as much as I do. I can’t believe how […]
I’m just super lonely this Christmas and need a shoulder to cry on…..to vent……I’m 18, turn 19 in 5 days, I basically have no friends or family……I’ve attempted suicided many times and have suffered with depression most of my life. I’m miserable. I’ve tried to keep my sanity and make myself better- recently, I drove my new car out in front of a semi……I miraculously lived, tore my car to hell….I just wanted to die and didn’t care how selfish I was being involving a random person. It eats at me and I regret it, but I’m angry that I didn’t die. The bashing from […]