im in the studio right now, and I’m having a break down. i can’t do this. i want to talk to him so badly. i can’t stop freaking out. i want to talk to him. i can’t. i want to graduate. i want my work to be great. i want a good life. i want him in my life forever, but not as friends. i want him to know how much i love him and care about him and how insane he is. all i want is to be with him, to graduate, and to get a job. i fucking sitting in the corner right […]
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my life
I tried hanging myself, did an overdose of prescriptions. Tried everything and I am still alive. Is it because I am too scared to go far or is it because I don’t really want to die. I wonder why life is so horrible. I am really religious. I used to think that God planned out our futures. I used to that God controlled everything. I used to think that God had the ability to make you happy but he doesn’t. If he really does have that power, why doesn’t he end my life right now. That would make me happy. If God meant for life […]
ok lets try this again. mon at 1040 pm just got off line talking with a three four people on plenty of fish pof i feel as though am doing something wrong talking with three different people and to be honest Michelle i dont know what am doing am 38 I dont know how to be friends with a girl I dont know how to date people my age I fumbe threw confersations becuase i dont even now how to hold a conversation more thatn half of my life is a drunkin druggy blurr thats why i feel so intimadated and lost and thats why […]
im so hurt im in so much pain, i can’t even think. i have to go do work all day and night. how can he hurt me so many times, so badly, and on purpose?!! how can he hurt me this much?! i really do hate my life. i loved him more than anything in the world. I’m miserable and heartbroken. you’re insane. i need to graduate. i have so much to do but all i want to do is be with him. i tried as hard as i possibly could with him. i feel so broken. how can he hurt me so bad.
Well guess I was right all these months I suspected I had more damage from this hell of a relationship. I kind of suspected I had been damaged to point even if I did manage to get out of this relationship I would nvr be able to be with any other guy again. Guy approached me from behind in the store saying baby an I flipped out,i went in to a rage before I even realized it was happening  an I guess by look on my face I scared him. Turns out it was my ex and he didn’t know how to act around me […]
He is destroying me. He doesn’t even care that he is killing me inside. I feel so alone and I’m completely lost. My friends and family act like I shouldn’t care and that I shouldn’t be upset. I didn’t want us to end..especially not because of my stupid parents. I’ve been miserable for the last 2 months..He made me happy. I felt that he was my escape from reality. I could be myself around him and he didn’t judge me. He told me he loved me and wanted me. I fell into the abyss. I am now slowly fading away. I want to die. I feel so […]
Is life really worth it? I’m honestly curious. Because for me, my life isn’t worth it.
Starting to wonder if you keep living a life full of suffering and stress if your brain doesnt just shut down on its own because it cant take anymore.  Destroy itself.  Always had memory and concentration problems and sometimes a memory lapse  cuz of my depression problems now i am just really disabled cuz of them.  But i am also in the worse place of my life for the last  couple of years.  I have felt traumatizing pain over and over.  I cant remember one day from the next anymore.  I cant rem if things happened today or yesterday or the day before.  my brain […]
Nobody tells the future. Â Futures don’t have infinite linearity to each distinctive, singular life. Â I have more future then past in my life right now. Â And they say . . . live for that. Â Truth be told, no – we can not undergo a set-in-stone determination of what the future will be. But the implications of life now can decide what the future might be like. Â Life is bad right now, driving me to the last of me, all done by my own hand. Â What makes it worse, is I can’t pick out any possibility for a future with a good outcome.
Quiero morir
Déjame ir
ive fucking had it. it’s 9 am. I’m tired as shit. i have more shit to do than i have time to do it. i don’t even fucking have time for a social life. I’m doing everything i possibly fucking can. all i want to do is graduate. at the top of my list. stop making my life so fucking hard and miserable. my skin is the worst it’s ever been and it won’t get better because I’m so fucking stressed. he keeps me talking till fucking late as shit then i have to get up early. i don’t have time for this. he doesn’t […]
whenever i  get into really deep thoughts i always end up laughing. laughing at the absurdity of it all, laughing at the absurdity of my efforts, laughing at the absurdity of my suffering. i suffer because i am human, because i have to survive. had this survival thing not there i would laugh my way in and out of this world. all my reasoning regarding my suffering ends (i.e. starts) with this survival thing. my whole evolution is based on this thing. all my hate, all my animal instincts are based on this single thing. i think if we could somehow get over this one […]
I’ve attempted many times to better myself and failed. I’ve been an active person in the community, some failed jobs, and I’ve allowed alcohol to come into my life not knowing what would happen. I’ve tried sucide before but it didn’t work. And since then the feelings come back every now and then. Feelings of resentment, bitterness, hate and low self/family/community worth. And now I’m in debt, unemployed and taking up space. I’ve applied for an apprenticeship program and I hope it goes well so I can get back on my own two feet again. Thanx.
What do you think about sex?
Do you want it?
Do you satisfy your sexual desires?
Your sexual desires, are they bigger than your suicidal thoughts?
I personally think that sex is something really irrational and disgusting, at my age (17) I think I’ll never do it.Naturally, I have sexual desires but I refuse to satisfy them.I know I’m going against my nature.I have suicidal thoughts almost all the time, but eventually I suddenly start thinking about intercourse and for a moment I forget that my life is a crap…actually I think that life itself sucks.
I wish I were asexual.
I feel like I’m moving through molasses.
Everything is drawn out so unnecessarily. They’ve been telling me for years that we will be moving, whether we want to or not. We don’t have a choice in the matter, thanks to the bank owning our house. It’s like waiting in a state of constant anticipation. It’s exhausting, really. So I shelve the thoughts and trudge forward. It’s not like I can predict the future or change what is inevitably going to happen. I’ve had to accept it and press on. Yet, it remains a small weight that I carry around on my chest.
This attitude has been a […]
So these dreams that I have they are all from that voice I hear and shadow I see. All these dreams of gruesome murders I hate it. They don’t stop first it was Adam even though he passed that thing uses him against me in my dreams. Then my dad he passed away so much blood and gunshots that from that day I hated loud noises. In my dreams he makes me remember everything that happened that day. Then my cousins brother I forgot how he looked but I remember he committed suicide by hanging himself. So in the dreams he has a blank face […]
They tell me to ‘stay strong’ and they tell me that things get better but do they really? I’ve been told this saying for 4 years now and nothing has gotten any better for me. In those 4 years my dad left over summer and while he was gone he cheated on my mom. He’s back now. Shorty after my mom got rid of my two dogs that I loved so much because she said that I “didn’t care about them” well I did. I cried for days thinking about them. Then about a year after that bullying got bad for me, it was the worst year of my […]
So i get blamed for everything when it comes around my friends. They fight they put me in the middle they stop talking “omg its all your fault you shouldnt even got in it the first place” um excuse you ***** youre the one putting me in the middle of this shit so how about you fuck off you fucking ****. Relationship ends they tell me to help them cause they dont what to do i tell them straight up facts of why it didnt work “omg youre not even helping dont even try anymore okay even if i listen itll end and its going […]
I do not know where to start.
my soul is like a single dark room. How can I escape this pain?
it empties all of the energy and desire to live. I do not know why everything in my life to be so negative? it’s like a tunnel with no light just me and myself, with no way to change, only a single path. in between I see a faint light shining faintly, only to discover that it is just a small crack in the wall before the track goes straight into the deep dark.
Is suicide the only resolution?? I have endured this pain for […]
Today is a bad day for some reason. Nothing happened. It’s just the depression is really hitting me today. I’m sitting here at work, bored out of my mind, which means my mind wanders, and I just want to go home and sleep. My body is so tired.
I don’t know what to write about. I was thinking about discussing depression. What is it? But I can’t think straight today.
I should go to the grocery store tonight. But I know when I get home I won’t. I’ll put it off for tomorrow. And when I’m lying around home tonight wondering why I have no food […]
Most mornings I wake up wondering why Im still alive. I hate life, there are good, even great things in my life, but they don’t make me happy. The people I love or like to hang out with and the things I like to do only make me comfortable for a bit, even a couple of days, but the desire to die always come back and it is getting stronger by the second. I just never understood whats the point of life. Work and have kids???? that doesn’t sound very appealing to me. I work and go to school, but I would just love to stay […]