So..How does it feel? Well, depending on the person it can feel all sorts of ways. I know one thing, that no matter the person it feels like shit. Okay, so let’s get started on the whole basis of it.
I don’t really know why I have depression, and sometimes I wish I had some sad backstory so it would be easier to explain. Nothing bad really happened to me, nothing too scarring. It’s just the little things that do it. Every little ounce of stress and anger, it all causes this sort of snowball affect. Slowly building up to knock me down.
It doesn’t physically hurt, but I get this butterfly feeling in the pit of my chest and that’s when I stop and realize everything that’s wrong with my life. I’ve always been one of those people. So focused on the negative, I never see the good. I’ll feel nothing but everything at once, like a collision of emotions that I desperately want to let loose. Then I realize, I have nobody to tell, no way to release it. All of that “find a new way to cope” bullshit? It never works.
It’s like I’m trapped with my thoughts of negativity, and it even gets to the point where I’m so upset that I can’t even cry. I can’t even talk. I can’t even move. I just sit where I am, curl up in a pitiful little ball.. and stare.
It feels like my body is screaming “Be normal!” but my brain is resisting and yelling, “Just tell someone!”. I never do, though. I don’t know why.. maybe it’s fear. The fear of being ridiculed in front of everyone.
Then there are the thoughts. The ones that are so horrible that my body pushes away the second I think of it. It’s like I’m fighting this war against myself. I want to survive, but then again I don’t.
There are moments, the times when I think I’m actually better. Then the thoughts come back, and the realization that it’s a losing battle. All I can do is trick myself into thinking I’m happy for the sake of others.
It’s a cycle again, and again, and again. Constantly trying to be happy, but I don’t even know what’s making me unhappy. It’s like I resist any sense of happiness I can get because at this point I can’t even tell when I’m truly happy or if I just wish I was. Like the old quote, “I think, therefor I am.” What if I’m not happy and I just think I am? I know I’m not.
Depression feels like living a hell within you, that nobody else notices. It’s like this sense of despair is constantly pushing you off of this imaginary road and you have to drag yourself up everytime. Eventually, you’ll grow weak and stop trying..
5 comments
I’m one of those people too, who always sees the negative. The good just never seems to stick around long enough to make an impression. Pessimism is just part of our personalities, right? But are our personalities fixed? Can we change who we are, do you think? Or were we predetermined to be damned by biology and/or God?
i just don’t bother with fixing it cause it’s gonna come back again and again. there’s just nothing and nowhere. there’s nothing and you just gotta live it.
I guess we’ll never know until we die, but in all honesty I think it’s just our mindset that we cant seem to get rid of, it isn’t our fate to have depression. We just do. We can’t get rid of it because it’s already there. No medicine will get rid of it, nothing will. It will only serve as a distraction, and when it wears off all of the pain is back. The negativity has always been there, we’ve always had the depression in us, but we just needed the right triggering factor to make it dominant. I’m sure everyone on here can remember the first time they realized they weren’t happy anymore.. For me, I always thought of myself as being slightly more sensitive than others. Then came the downpour of thoughts, the ones that made me hate everything within myself. The ones that torment me when I’m all alone in my room at night, pushing me to the brim. Waiting for me to explode- but I never do. I just sit and stare, acting as normal as possible even when I know I shouldn’t. See, everybody acts as if it’s just some “personal issues” that will disappear in due time. Depression is a life-long hell. It never goes away, it just waits for your weakest moment to knock you off your feet again.
I’m starting to think of depression as a silent epidemic. Reading your post made me feel at ease knowing I’m not alone in this S*hole. It’s a never ending story.
I guess all we can do is keep on going and hoping that things will get better. It’s nice to know that there are people who feel the same, though.