Idk how to get over it. There are times where i dont think about it. Moments where im good enough of a liar to tell myself otherwise. As Winston Churchill said of the truth “The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attack it, ignorance may deride it, but in the end, there it is.” The truth is I’m not attractive, social active, or persistent enough to find someone. I don’t know how to change that. I feel like i change every other aspect of my life except this and i feel helpless. The only advice people have is be more confident. Thats like telling […]
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my life
My stepfather raped me when i was 9 and kept doing it until i was 11. he said if i ever told anyone any of this he’d kill me, my mother and brothers. Mom was never home, she was always working and didn’t even care about us. Why did i give a crap what happened to her or even my brothers? i don’t know. Mom has never loved me, shes told me before I’m the worst mistake she could ever make and i believe i am. When she found out what was going on she blamed it on me and said i was “trying to […]
I was first diagnosed with depression over 20 years ago. Life has been up and down since then. I’ve had some fun, but I’ve often felt isolated and alone. I’ve had social anxiety that has made making friends difficult. After college I married the first the first person who showed an interest, which was a bad idea. She turned out to be abusive and had her own mental health issues. Eventually she moved out and we divorced.
After that relationship, I eventually met someone else who is kind, but unable to hold down a job. My life has been going down hill since the relationship began […]
I went to visit someone that has been helping my mom. My mother respects this woman very much, because she sais she had been feeling a lot better ever since she’s been talking with her. So I made an appointment and I told this woman about my situation, she said a few things that sounded reasonable but at some point, while I was talking, she stoped me and told me I have been a cheap w*hor*e all this time, she said that it is what I am, that even if I was doing it without concious, all the same that was what I am behaving […]
Sometimes I feel like my depression is better, that this is just grief and anxiety. But even if it is, it doesn’t feel any easier. Maybe I can enjoy things more, sort of- I was able to paint this weekend- but on the other hand I can’t seem to write creatively. I had a short story due and for the first time since junior year of high school (about a decade ago), I missed a writing deadline. It was just like my brain wasn’t there. And while I can blame anxiety for my procrastination on my math homework, I can’t on the writing. Not fully. I […]
A friend of mine said to me, “You don’t want to kill yourself boy. You have to be mad to do that.” It made me laugh, firstly because he has known me for years and still can’t accept I am not always the jovial, erudite man he meets down the pub. Secondly, I think suicide, far from being mad as a concept, is a totally logical response the the distress, disfunction and depression I experience.
Here is the argument. I have swung between depression and total mania since birth. The depression makes me agoraphobic, professionally and socially unreliable, totally disassociated and lacking all motivation. Depression destroys […]
I’m not saying my life experience was the worst, but at this point I feel there is no point in staying around. Side note:My maternal uncle committed suicide, my paternal grandmother’s sister committed suicide, and my paternal grandfather died from alcoholism related issues. I feel like my family is a family who tries to be perfect, but hides many secrets because it seems like I’m outwardly the only screw up. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life. I’ve always been terrified of everything. Often had insane temper tantrums. I don’t remember exactly how young I was when I first went to therapy, but I was young.. […]
I usually stay up at night and question whether I have a future or not… honestly, I do not know. I am a failure. In my own family, people whom are supposed to love and protect me, I get abused physically, verbally and emotionally. I don’t know what to feel anymore because in all honesty, I can’t even love my own parents. I wake up everyday inside this madhouse and I’m slowly losing my grip on reality. Truthfully, I have lost all my respects for humanity. People can change, but they usually choose not to. Only the cruel and greedy ones ever win in this […]
So I am the laziest person ever. I have been trying to convince my self of sitting down and write my tesis or to even read some articles as a basis. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. I hate having to do it. I really hate it.
I skip work today too. And even fail to do my part in a group I was trying to organize. The people are nice there, but they are getting tired of me. I just don’t want to do anything.
Last Monday I went to the doctor to ask for a remission for psychiatry (it’s necessary to […]
Losing touch of reality is now my doom
I cannot see anything, not even the moon
For no one can feel the pain I now consume
Everything that I am will all be gone soon.
Sometimes I wonder if I should just pull the trigger
Understand me when I say that I can no longer linger
Counting endless sleep until I fall into slumber
Kiss me softly before I have my last supper
Soon enough no one will even bother.
From this moment on I am now a goner
Oxygen […]
So i’ve been living throughout this suicide phase for so long, ever since elementary school. I’m less suicidal though, I’ve learned to have self-determination and to live by my own standards and goals. I’m very active now and try to do positive things that helps me ignore the negativity in my life. This thing so called “family” is a word I erased from my dictionary. Family was never there for me. (sorry and excuse me when I jump all over, my thought process is really fucked up so ill cut it into chunks that cut my thoughts)
My story goes like this, typical asian scenario where […]
I am tired of saying what i hate
But even the tears don’t seem to release the bottled up emotions….lately i told myself its better not to feel anything then to feel everything.
I honestly hate my life and i always have..
But i love someone with all i have.
He tells me he loves me and im the best thing that ever happened to him…but idk
I hate myself so how can he love me?
I never had anyone love me before…not like him..
Someone who doesnt want sex..or money..or something…
And im so confused.
I wanna die..but i wanna live for him
Proof that I’m the ugliest person alive comes from the other side too. I have nothing against this guy at all, so it’s not that. Another transguy I know got featured in a popular news source for being a hot transguy and he’s about as big as I am. How is it that other big people can be good looking but I’m always told how ugly I am?? What is really so wrong with me????
I can’t deal with it if I think of it any more than that. I’m sick of being the ugliest person on earth. I’ve taken .5 and .4 of my testosterone […]
I’m so sick of trying to live. I will never be okay. People keep asking what am I going to do with my life, why don’t you motivate yourself, why not do what makes you happy- Nothing makes me happy I just want to throw my body off a bridge. I find it so weird how most people just expect you to want to be alive, I don’t understand how anyone wants to live through all this garbage.
I don’t want to keep trying, I don’t want to be motivated, I don’t want to get to the “good” part where I have a wife and […]
I can’t do anything. I’m a waste of space and a burden. No one cares and I’m always ignored. I hate how everyday I just get worse and worse and no one sees. But then again, apart of me doesn’t want anyone to know. I hate how I always contradict myself everytime. I want to be happy but then I feel like I don’t deserve it. I want to be more open with people, get help but then I don’t. I just can’t do anything. I’ve gotten to the point in my life where I almost can’t find happiness in anything and all I want […]
Around the time of high school my life was so miserable. I couldnt make any friends and i felt useless. I didnt feel like i would amount to anything. I dont even remeber how old i was exactly i just remeber being in my room deciding suicide was the best option. Since im a christian (whether you believe or not. The fact is i do hence why i thought the way i did) i figured heaven would be a more prefered place to live. Besides i had no special talent her on this terrible planet. My grades were always bad. Learning things was always difficult […]
I’m thinking of killing myself at the next train station. Trains pass by at high speeds. Just one step in front of it and it’s all over. I thought of taking my camera and make a long exposure photo of me jumping in front of the train. Would get a great photo as the end of my life. At least something to be remembered for
I need to accept the reality; either through force or escape. I’m so cold, so numb, so apathetic that I can’t save anyone. Yet, I try for no other reason than boredom. I don’t want to help them, I just do it to make it seem like my life has meaning. In the end, I just make things worse… Because I just don’t care.
Screw it, I’ll just say it already! Anyone that dates/befriends me is asking for trouble, especially on SP. God forbid, someone on here does develop a crush on me… I don’t even want to imagine that horror show…
I love how you tell someone you’re getting over depression and they say, “Oh, one of those” and just stop talking to you. Yeah, that makes it sooooo much better. People are shit and there is nothing I’ve ever seen to make me think otherwise. The only times people even TRY to act like they care is when they are selfishly trying to feel like they are a “good” person.
I’ve been trying so fucking hard to get over being suicidal… I’m TRYING to keep it together… I’m TRYING to, even if I don’t have hope, LIVE at the very least. Yet I get more SHIT […]
If I were to do it…
By it, I mean take my life.
The plan would be creative,
Elaborate…
Full of spite.
With some rope I’d hang,
My feet still touch the floor.
Not enough to asphyxiate,
Just to numb the core.
A gun fixed behind me,
With pulleys and cables to the door.
So you can be the one to kill me,
Like so many times before.
Maybe then you can feel me,
Through my blood upon you face.
Maybe then you’ll see,
The folly of your ways. . . […]