I don’t know my family very well. I’m not very close to anyone, no cousins no friends.
My whole life I wished for that closeness to someone. My dad left my mom when I was very young, she would always choose her boyfriend (at the time) over me.
I ended up in homeless shelters before I was 18. I didn’t know how to love or except anyone. I was so jealous of people with their happy family and close sibling relationships.
I became a raging alcoholic while trying to keep myself financially stable, wishing that death would find me soon.
I ended up at the […]
Tag:
my life
Second post. Spent all day yesterday planning my death if my trip abroad didn’t work out. Realised it was really bad.
Realised I have to go on proper meds or I will do it. Am not afraid of death but don’t want to fail at it and think the process would be uncomfortable.
Cried and cried and realised only answer was to get proper help. Went in first thing to docs to book an appointment and said it was urgent. The receptionist asked me how long I’d had symptoms and I said depression a long time suicidal a few months now. I thought she would realise this […]
I have tried to hang myself twice till now but in vain.Everytime I gather the courage to kill myself,I chicken out and start crying.Life holds onto me like a disease.I have received some very positive support here from “Vertrag” and “another failure”,they have been very nice to me.But its all over for me,I haven’t done a single good thing in my life yet,I m 23 and I can’t even take a proper mature decision.Everyday is worse than the previous one.Things r looking really very bad for me.Life is over for me.My mind is dead,its just the miserable heart that keeps beating.
… and it’s true.
I was just told this by my GF after she ran through the checklist of all my failures and shortcomings. As if I was completely unaware and aloof of how utterly fucked I am and have been for the last few years. Now, I’m sure she means to somehow motivate me or in some other way try to light a fire under my ass to somehow ferret my way to at least a treading water type of existence in some clever way – she’d be ecstatic if I could manage that.
What’s funny (ironic/weird type funny … and in a twisted way funny ha […]
i cant understand people and i will never do . i cant hurt anyone but myself even though everyone tries to hurt me. i just dont wanna exist anymore. people telling lies all around me . others dont believe in me. im a that normal or they are just too blinded. i have gone insane, im telling them that, nobody gives a shit. I cant even write this post without thinking about diffrent topics in the same time. i just feel that nothing else, no one else matters. still looking for that one reason for me to stay alive , and still havent found it. my […]
It is tough for me to explain and on the added front, it is tough for other people to understand as well. In the end, I am another person who wants to die but at the same time hangs on.
I definitely did not grow up “usual”. I grew up best described as isolated on a farm. I am the youngest. I have two older siblings, a sister (5 years older) and a brother (7 years older). We attended church and I attended Sunday school which was the sole social interaction that I had for my first 5 or so years of life. It was extremely […]
Round and round it all goes in my head. I don’t think I can live a meaningful life. And that hurts. So I think I want to end it. But that would destroy my family, and I can’t do that to them. So I’m left with this pain. Which just feels……unbearable. And I can’t think of anything that will make it stop. I would cry, but it doesn’t help.
So, this pain, for the rest of my life. It seems to get worse as I get older, and further away from a time when I had hope.
I guess the only question is how I want to […]
A few years ago, I was just entering middle school. It was a strange transition for everyone, I think. I remember looking around the classrooms and seeing how different people were.
For a while, it was just me. I was very shy and quiet, seemingly closed-off. I made a few friends during that year. We weren’t best friends but we were okay. You see, I moved around a bunch so making friends was difficult and made me feel awful because I just kept thinking that I’d move and never see them again.
I used to bring lunch and eat it in the school cafeteria; it was very […]
Unfortunately still alive. Yesterday one of my best friends from high school basically said she was going to kill herself. Seemingly she has it all. Born into money, comfortable, normal life that I’ll never have. She wouldn’t answer as to why.
And after all the pain, I still find myself loving the guy I fell for May 1st, the day we met. I know he’ll never give me a chance. He’s so stuck on looks and ‘proving himself’ to the world. I wish he could see it from a different perspective. One where he could realize he has someone who has given him so much, would […]
It can’t hurt to post :). I’ve been suicidal now for a few months, and have come to accept it as where I am now rather than resist it. It has guided my decisions, I am off abroad to do wwoofing with someone that I have been in and out of relationship since I knew him. Truth is that only now that I am at my worst can I see his true beauty and see how much I love him. He loves me completely too but so much that it scares me cos I don’t feel I deserve him. He even loves me now when […]
so i am thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend of 10 years to focus on finding a good job with my education. She is all i had. trust me i wont find someone else to love me. just trust me (just trust me). I am focused on finding a good job soon, or im ending my life. Its that simple. if i find a job, i will contact her. she is not focused on a job, and it is hurting me to stay with her right now. im totally alone. i want to live, so im giving myself 2 years to find a good […]
Your love left me long ago
But I buried the bricks of this house that your sadness once built,
Though you branded your name into my heart, so I could love no other
I still feel the long lasting burn of our last night,
Your silhouette,
It still has the same effect, but of course you dont know that though
Departed, no grace, should I let you go?
We never could find eachother in the dark,
I guess we were hiding from each others past,
I guess we’re hiding from one another,
We don’t need to run anymore
I dreaded even heaven when it comes to […]
From the womb you latched onto my fucking consciousness and never let me go. You injected your venom into my veins and attracted all my perpetrators and literal traitors from friends to the origin of my seed. You incited the deepest betrayal anyone could ever feel – most of all you inspired a betrayal and rejection of myself. Princess Dyana you are no princess to me. In fact you are a whore. A whore that sucked me dry before I breathed my first breath. I will never forgive you or let you go until you apologize for the eternal torment you caused my aching heart. […]
I had these amazing song lyrics that I wanted to share with someone when I remembered that I don’t have any friends who care to hear what I have to say lol I have people that I’m friends with; once every two months I go to a pub or have dinner with some guys I used to work with (that’s the most time that they’re willing to spend with me LOL). My current group of co-workers like me well enough, but they couldn’t give less of a fuck about my life outside work hours. I’ve tried to make some friends but I’m constantly being rebuffed. […]
Ever since this early year, i have this goal to inspire people and be inspired. I want to help people as many as i can, because i know how it feels like to be helpless. I want to emphatise for them, and it is also strangely a way for me to cope with my problems.
I found this website and i thought, hey this is perfect for me, i can safely tell my insecurities and what a major fucked up i am, and i can support people although they may not notice.
I want to inspire people and clearly that goal has not been reached yet, afterall […]
it has been many months since i last posted on this website and i honestly thought i was getting better. Then, BAM!!! life gets you down once again and you find yourself asking the same meaningless question : ‘why me?’.
first i lost my family and simultaneously i started to fail my modules and have my bursary tugged away. i keep trying. i keep trying to pull myself up again but i dont understand why i need to suffer so much. so far my career is all i have left but now even that is fading from my life. it isnt like im not trying or […]
I don’t use this shit really but in the past week or so shits been really fucked and I just want to write this all down somewhere because it’s all bottled up in my head. For the past two years nothing anybody says or does to me affects me. Whether it’s good or bad I’m indifferent. I’ve heard it all. If someone told me I should kill myself it wouldn’t affect me because I’ll be doing just that soon enough, and there’s nothing that could change my mind about killing myself. Nothing anyone can do or say that will make me suddenly think living is […]
Honestly, I don’t. Just the though of taking my life scares the shit out of me. I just feel like i no longer have anything left worth living for. Everything i have ever known is gone. My new life is so fucking pathetic. The same exact routine day after day. No ambition to even try and do anything different.
Any hope of a “normal” life i may have had in the past is gone. I may have what i need to survive, but is that really living? Is that reason enough to keep pushing through, to keep telling myself i can make it for one […]
I used to think that the tears would never stop, the urges would never cease, and the thoughts of suicide would only grow stronger. I am here, two years suicide-thought free to tell each and everyone of you, this too shall pass. It takes time, so much time. I was lucky to be able to say “I need help” and I got it.
I never looked in the mirror and thought of something that I liked about myself. Never. I began thinking that this was how I would always feel. Never pretty, or skinny, or good enough. I was feeling this way and just assumed it was […]
My relationship is being bludgeoned over and over by my inaction in slow motion.
written by Trapped in My Head
It feels like ages ago that I met my boyfriend, only it’s only been a matter of weeks. That time, I was still paying for my own rent with my part time job, and going for a language class.
I was contented with my life that time, because I lived in the same city as my younger sister, who was attending university there. I was new to the city myself, so I had no friends except those I saw in class. It was hard to talk to them more than just “schoolmates” so it was bland for my tastes. I decided to get some folks to […]