i throw up every day
cut today
arm looks like shit
oh yeah i fucking hate my damn body!!!
Its hard to put into words how much I truly hate every second of living on this earth. For reasons and forces unknown I wasn’t ever meant to be anything of value. my parents admit i was a mistake, not aborting me was an even bigger one. now im paying for their mistakes.
From kindergarten to highschool, I was always outcast. I was the kid that didn’t even get bullied because he was of lower social stature. which made no sense, I was nice. I always helped out and always tried to be a good friend. In all it was everybody’s fetish to use me for […]
I am so tired, please can I sleep? I cannot take it anymore.
I search my entire life to find a home, somewhere, someone, to rest in. Why can’t the world let me be happy? Whenever I become happy about something, someone, I feel that everything goes out of its way to take that happiness away. This is why  it takes me a great amount of time to feel happy. But even still, you let it, them, into your arms again only to realize you were making it up the whole time. No matter how much you deserve happiness, nobody wants to give it to you.
Yesterday I […]
Hi everybody.
I am a young guy of 24 years old, I have just graduated from University with a straight degree in physics and to everyone it seems like the world is my oyster. But there is one thing that is holding me back- I can’t express how I feel.
My “friends” seem to think that I’m just a quiet, easy going guy. However it has caused a lot of heartache for my family, they think I just don’t care. I have a little brother who is crying out for some love and I feel that I’ve never been able to give it to him.I think I […]
So i know this might get annoying but i think im going to start posting on here. My parents always find my diary so im going to just vent and hope for the best….
IÂ throw up alot now……
Cuttting isnt so bad
Also suicide has kicked back in
may 29
I’m useless in this “real world”….I’m such a fucking impractical, too imaginative person…
thus, I don’t belong here in this mundane, dull, boring real world..!
I often feel like I belong to another planet, universe, or perhaps another ‘spiritual’ plane, dimension,..something like that.
my super-vivid imagination’s world / universe is often a HUNDRED times much more lively, interesting, exciting, thrilling, and challenging than this apparently “Law and Order, all about money/profits and status” shallow, mundane, meaningless real world !
it’s my curse.
fuck my life..
get the hell me out of this fucking Matrix , please , somebody!
there should be an OPTION to get the fuck […]
Only in my dreams
Do you hear my screams
And you realize what I feel
And only in my dreams can you finally allow me to heal.
That’s what it has felt like for a while. Like I’m just lingering in this fucking limbo where I know I’m tired of living, I know I only hurt people and disappoint them and make their lives more difficult. I am really just 21 years of promise culminating into failure. My own boyfriend is kind of sick of me, even. I can tell. I don’t talk about this stuff with him because he doesn’t deserve the burden. Though I guess it’s hard to hide it when you get depressed (I am not diagnosed, my twin brother is; I have too much shame to see a […]
So I don’t want a wake or funeral. Â I want absolutely zero fuss made about my death. Â But I feel bad killing myself and taking all these healthy organs with me… so I think, I know, I will donate them. Â So I had this idea to do it in winter on a snowy day, so my body would stay fresh until I was found…. But it turns out that hospitals/universities/chop shops won’t take suicides… Also, Â if you donate your body to one of these chop shop organ/body donation companies, they dole the pieces out to the highest bidder, making at least $200,000 per body. Â The […]
and by that is, apparently it’s highly rare for anyone to have common sense anymore… Why am I always the only person around anyone I know to have the common sense to think something through, to see the solutions to do what’s right, but no one listens to me… In this world full of lies, and currupted greedy bastards, I still stay truthful and pure… In this world, all those horrible people continue to get rewarded, while I’ve never seen a day where I’m not punished… for what? for existing? for being right? for being honest? for being hard working? for having humanity?! all the […]
I am starting to feel like I am being punished for being alive, I wasn’t truly meant to exist anyway since I was unplanned. I can’t have one good thing happen and if something does, I pay for it later on. I have been through so much in my life, was mentally and physically abused by my dad, had to watch it happen to my mom who is disabled, been into women’s shelters, was raised in a cult like religion which left me without friends, social activities was highly restricted, no help from them with what was going on at home since they said in […]
Hey Everybody!
So…here I am again. Don’t really have anyone to talk to. Usually I don’t want anyone to talk to, but that makes it hard for those times when I need to talk to someone. I stopped seeing my therapist about six months ago; I lost my job and I just couldn’t afford it anymore. I see my psychiatrist about every month-and-a-half. He doesn’t say much. I take whatever he prescribes, and I think it helps a little. I don’t like him. I’m going to have to borrow money to pay for my next refill. I’ve got insurance but there’s a copay.
I need to make […]
hey everyone …..xx
hope you are all well .. <——- that question is so fckn annoying dontcha think .. = of course we are not well dumbass !!
well i know im not – i dont know what to do .. im so lost – numb – sick of my life !… im so scared im confused ..
today ive not really been in touch with reality to be honest – ive not even got washed or dressed – TRAMP ALERT !
found this poem online n made me think about a lot.
i thought i’ll share it with you guys.
 Razorblade
As the razorblade slides threw my pale skin,
the red, warm blodd starts to run down my arm.
It goes faster and faster.
The sut is so deep,
like it’s never been before.
The razorblade turns all red,
full of blood.
I know now theres no turning back.
The scare of my pain will always be there forever.
I’ll always have the memories.
I just had to let the pain go somehow.
This is the way I do.
Thoughts of suicide start to run threw […]
Escaping from this hell hole was the first good thing I’ve done on my own. Going off to college and not having to deal with all this family drama and emotional drain was so good for me. I was finally happy. I was finally care free. I didn’t have to fake being happy anymore. I was happy with who I was, where I came from, and how I was living. I finally got to be free from her stupid rules and her stupid views on life. I was finally free. And I thought that I could go live the rest of my life with barely […]
Up till now, i have always tried to change my life.
I have tried to be consistent, in everything but failed..in everything.
Everything i try from losing weight to even brushing my teeth ends up not being done, and im sick of it, im sick of it all, life is a god damn chore that i don’t want to join, its sucks,i have no one else that understands me, no one, all i have are idiots around me, my family and friends will never understand me and how painful it is thinking this way, getting up to wash your face feels like climbing a mountain.
I will never […]
I am NOT a fuck up. I do care. I care so fucking much. I know I don’t have scars on the outside, but inside I’m torn to shreds. Don’t you dare say you understand. NOBODY FUCKING UNDERSTANDS. I will not be dropping out of school. I will not be failing. Will you all just stop talking about it please and let me be alone?
Yes, my grades are absolute and complete shit. I realize that. No I don’t know how I’ll get them up, but will you SHUT THE FUCK UP?! Okay, I need help, I realize that. But I don’t need you. I need […]
I have my blog. But people on there know who i am.. so i need to vent. Here it goes.. I am done with this bull shit. I am trying so hard to stop the hurt.. You know what i honestly want to know when people want to stop my hurt. Because i am right back to were i was in the begging.. I LOVE CUTTTING!! do you fucking people here me.. I love it… so stop making me stop. If i want to stop i will stop!!!. if i want help i will get it.. yesterday i weighed my self i am 141… You […]
I don’t know why but today I felt hopeful and optimistic and confident.
And while the world has thrown some good social interaction at me today, I am bombarded with this crippling discouragement. In any other way, she would react like everyone else today, accepting! But no matter how many people laugh with me, or are nice to me today, she is mentally pushing me aside.
Why? Why can’t my good feelings be rewarded? I don’t want to be depressed again, and yet, whenever I am happy I become attacked.
I need help! I feel I’m in the inbetween, and I don’t want to drown again! Please don’t […]