I’m not really sure what I’m going to say in this. I apologize if I waste anyone’s time. I guess I’ll share my life story. I’m desperate at this point. My mother and father got divorced when I was 3 years old ( currently 17). She then married this man names Nathan. At first everything was ok. But it wasn’t… It started off with little things like if I spilled milk from my cereal he would hit me. But it escalated. He raped my sister, and would hit me and torture us all the time. Threatening to kill us if we said anything. My mother […]
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nice
Time has gone by and no marked improvement of my depression…what am i gonna do with myself, those people on the phone told me that no depression lasts forever… i think they were lying just to make me stay and watch me suffer a little more. Pills pills pills, after pills, having to look at my family each day and fail them again and again and watching their face as they feel sorry for me…asking the sky for a miracle so i can stand on my own two feet and live on my own and not depend on others… well oh well…. how marvelous. these […]
I have taken my anxiety med, I am drinking a beer and watching True Blood. Trying not to give in to my compulsion to make nice with my ex. I am embarassed by my behavior. I need to sort myself out. I guess I relied on him as a way to get out of my head for a bit.
feeling like shit today. stayed homd alone all day and watched porn three times… feeling so disguisted with myself. All i want is to stop being so damn lonely… not even about just sex (although that would be nice) but just someone who loves me. blech 🙁
It’s always nice to know that my family unanimously agrees that I’m a world class fuck-up. They expected me to completely and utterly ruin anything and everything for everyone at a wedding, and was completely baffled that everything turned out fine. But they are still dissapointed for a reason they refuse to enlighten me about. What in the holy hell have I ever done wrong? Whatever, it doesn’t matter what I did they’re still going to hate me for who I am regardless of what I do.
I think I’ve come to terms with suicide. I know that it will be the way I die, but not the method. I do know that I want to buy a nice big leather and metal Grimiore to write down all my thoughts, I suppose like a journal. Then when the time comes I won’t need to write a note, I can just clutch my grimiore on the way out. I see suicide as a perfect way to die, surely some call those who have succeeded in their suicide attempts cowards though they are not. I know the immense courage that it would take to […]
I try to live myself now with no regrets but I have one from the past that I just can’t get over. I left my wife while she was 9 months pregnant and asked for a divorce. I’ve always been apart of my child’s life but I can’t get over leaving her, I never should have done it. When she’s nice to me I am on top of the world. When she’s mean or ignores me it puts me in the deepest depression. It has been over 7 years and I just can’t get over it, I try. I’ve talked to psychologist and been out […]
Maybe the world is just a big mess,
full of pointless people doing pointless things,
but I know this is a world I want to be part of.
I want to hear the rain tapping against my window,
like a well meaning person trying to get in,
but in this world the well meaning people don’t get in,
it’s always the scum that earn the trust,
‘Nice guys finish last’ they say,
but fail to see how true it is,
because I may not be nice to everyone and anyone,
but I am nice to the people who need it,
and maybe I will finish […]
just wanted to say goodbye to all you ppl. it was nice while it lasted. lately theres been alot of trolling and impersonating. and before i start hating ppl who are pretending to be other ppl that were nothing but nice to me… im just gonna leave and not come back. its too bad that some ppl have to ruin things like a great chat ive been coming to for years and meeting great ppl in but i suppose it is the internet. but i can see this escalating and its just bullshit that i dont want to deal with right now. so bye […]
Hope you had a nice day. I on the other hand, I’m suffering from what I think is Klonopin withdrawal. While watching the fireworks I almost passed out and now I feel very short of breath and just… out of it. That’s okay, it’s to be expected, I think.
I think we need a day to celebrate freedom from this illness. If we ever become free.
Bidding will begin next year. It should be done in 2018, and they estimate it will cost $76 million.
Based on the new span of the SF-Oakland Bay Bridge, a portion of which collapsed after the 1989 Loma Prieta earthquake, I’m betting it will be completed between 2020 and 2025 (depending upon how many times they have to go back for more money when it goes w-a-y over budget).
(Originally, retrofitting the Bay Bridge was estimated at $230M, but then they said it would cost that much to replace it. Of course, a vanilla looking bridge wouldn’t due, so they settled on a […]
I can be happy, I can be content – but behind it all is an absence of any belief that anything is of any value, or worth, materially, spiritually, emotionally, intellectually. All empty.
Then the light fades, that’s enough, time to go.
Then comes anger, a real anger, self directed, and at the rest of humanity. The call to ‘be nice to people’ to make me feel better, to ‘do something’ to make me feel better. Acting on such advice is nothing more than me, me, me – so it’s all just self serving? So its in the self interest of those who preach to say those things? […]
Today was the first day in several months I woke up NOT feeling severely suicidal. I’ve been trying really hard to break through these feelings of worthlessness and find a way to make a life for myself no matter what the cost. But it’s clear to me now that everyone absolutely fucking despises me and I deserve to be in a box underground. The first thing that happens is I log into facebook and my brother’s wife (one of the only people in my life) logs off IMMEDIATELY when she sees i’m online. Second, I ask a customer service person where to find royal mail boxes […]
So some of you may remember one of my earlier posts where I talked about my jogging group and this girl I talked to. Even though the first time it was pretty awkward, we had some nice conversations over the last few times. And she even smiles or laughs sometimes when I say something funny (at least when I say something, I don’t say a lot though). And sometimes she falls back or speeds up to run next to me even if we’re not saying anything. And she always smiles and says good bye after the jogging. I know I suck at interpreting those “signs” […]
Maybe suicide is the solution. Everyone always says it’s not, but nobody but me is actually worthless. Every other person in this world has worth and I can see that in them. But then, I look at me and I see nothing but worthlessness. I am not worth anything to anyone and if you don’t know me, you can’t say that “you would be sad if I died”, because I can guarantee that if you met me, you would think I am annoying, stupid, worthless, ugly, etc. Everyone else always has. you don’t have to deny it. There’s […]
Like most people I’ve lived my life hoping the end would come quick and painless. When I decided to end my life I researched all the quick and painless ways, settling on a combination of methods that would supposedly do the trick in a dozen heartbeats or less, all the while being drunk and drugged out of my wits so I wouldn’t feel a thing.
How wrong. I realize now, injured and alone (don’t worry, this is not The One) that I like this feeling. Lying here feeling damaged beyond repair with no one pestering me to bandage myself up of go to the hospital or […]
her name is called Love. She made me  feel normal and warm. Her son was called Hope. Love and Hope are gone. Cold black death made me evil and made me betray them. I am evil, i deserve to die, but death saves me for later. I cant cope. Life is a lie. please death,that made me evil, come kill me quick. (im going to probably kill myself soon). PS. i am not a nice person.
I prayed for normal
Oh, how I prayed.
I was so young, and didn’t know that those didn’t actually work.
Given too much too young,
you can’t help.
I wish that this was simple enough for you to understand.
I wish that what I’ve already told you was it. Wouldn’t that be nice?
But there’s more, there’s so much more underneath my skin and on those cuts
I prayed for normal.
ive been in care from a year old. throughout my childhood it was a never ending stream of social workers, supervised access visits and confusion.my foster parents threw me out when I was 12 as apparently they couldn’t cope with me – I was swearing, smoking a little and being generally grim (normal teenager but whatever) from there was the downfall, or maybe that started when I was born who knows. I lived with 2 other fosters carers after that (1 of which sexually abused me) and I left care when I was 15 to get away from all the nightmares.from then my real mum […]
No one has the big picture in mind. It’s sad. Everyone is preoccupied with their little pointless material things and pointless humdrum routines to really look at what happens after everything is gone. What will you have left? Where will you go?
I guess I’m still pretty mad over what someone said to me. Someone I never expected to say such a thing. That if I end it, he won’t go to my funeral because he can’t glorify someone who does that to themselves. I never once asked for glory or sympathy. Only for an understanding ear. Maybe to be talked out of what I want […]