http://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/tmp_23933-Session-121220324555.mp3
Found an old recording. Just my guitar and a drum loop. Too many effects dials and not enough production experience. Oh well. Have a good laugh. If you listen in headphones, turn them down, it gets stupid loud and squealy.
Edit: I know the rules say no hate, but feel free to hate on this. I’ll be the first to admit it sucks damn hard.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
– “I’ll kill myself. I’ll kill myself i’ll kill myself i’ll kill mmyself and soon.”
-“I’ll call the police on you
Dont even think about trying.”
———-
Last night I had written to a friend (a used-to-be-friend.), saying I’d kill myself and soon.
Today, I had received the response above:“I’ll call the police on you.”
…Thanks, I appreciate the scare I received that rose up as I had read it.
—
Why did I admit it? It was because of a spark; an anxiety attack that led me fearful and alone to the point of solely being capable of admitting it. It was because I needed someone then. It was at the […]
Why am I so obsessed… Why am I so obsessed with world peace!?
Yet, I realized in order for that to happen someone first needs to become the bad guy. In order for a new system to rise, the old one must be removed… physically or mentally.
A physical reset would be one last World War where an absolute fear is ingrained so deeply that even 100 generations later still feel it. A final war that scars the land, burns the sea and splits the sky to leave a permanent reminder of the folly of individualism.
The mental reset is just as bad except it’s the ideals that […]
– “The World is a douche-bag, for fuck sake someone add the vinegar and iodine to it already and give it a good flush. We could all do with a bit of good cleaning, hmm!
Get rid of some of that foul smelling bacteria that lingers on a regular basis.”
Words of a dear old friend. She couldn’t have been more precise.
Thank you all to everyone that has stood by me tonight in one way or another. Thank you for the company over the last year but more importantly over the last 2 days.
You have all been amazing.
I know so many of you if not all of you do not understand my choice and that is okay. You have all given me a great departing gift. Please continue to take care of one another as you always have. Our minds never have to be on the same page just support one another.
Now, I will ready myself for my exit. Is it wrong that I am going […]
I thought you might like to see my old point shoes, (dead) I never used these as I switched over to Bloch and I find Bloch is a much more superior pointe shoe than these. But as you can see, the ribbons are gone off these along with the elastics. I didn’t put on toe pads so it’s just bone one packed leather here. LOL I do not suggest that by the way. These how ever have a traditional rounded box and high vamp, my newer ones have a broad box mid vamps with a soft shank. The ones in the picture have a hard […]
I’m doing ok currently, although I feel lost in myself. Not because there’s much to me, but that there’s nothing, and I feel lost in nothingness, as if consumed by it, if it makes any sense. It’s been some days since I had these light quasi-psychosis episodes, and I’ve been trying to meditate a bit on these strange thoughts I got at those times, and although they seem crazy, I have only emptiness apart from them. It’s not necessarily bad and I don’t intend to complain about it, it is rather peaceful this way, although shallow and melancholic at times. In any case, I was […]
One thing about being in a stretch of insomnia is that the rest of you are probably sound asleep, dreaming amazing dreams while I am sitting here typing.
Random things I think about while sitting here alone and awake:
If insomnia kills brain cells, I will probably forget my ABC’s by this time next week. Who am I again?
If, after we die, we get to go to another world where our wishes finally get granted, I would love to live in a tiny seaside cottage with a wonderful guy who honestly loves me. It would be wonderful if he played the cello. I picture a flower bed […]
That i don’t actually need. But im useless. I’ll never have a meaningful experience with a woman. Why? Part anxiety. Part social ineptitude, mostly consistent negative reinforcement. I am simply not attractive enough. When i did approach women i had to consistently risk and have panic attacks for the opportunity to put a lot of effort into someone who didnt give a quarter of a squirt of piss about me. Id get lied to or disparangingly “accepted” Occasionally id get a one off pity lay. The fuck could possibly the point. I’ve been working out for about a month and trying to diet. The fuck […]
It’s a rusty needle that pierces every pore of your body, makes you hate your own fucking cells, chromosomes, DNA, your brain. It’s an ache that’ll never completely leave, I can rub it out with hormones and Tyenol, change my identity until nothing old remains but my genitals, but I can’t get reborn.
I can never give a woman a baby. I can never fit in truly with men. I can never know what it’s like to wake up with morning wood and chuckle. I’m separate, physically, a confused alien mutilating its flesh for peace. I am devil-wrecked blip of confusion and it’s too fucking much.
I […]
I got into Portland state university . I applied for the hell of It and I got in haha . I’m seriously considering moving to Oregon from Virginia . Most of my sadness and anger comes from this state.
I’ve never been to the west coast though. But I feel like Portland would be nice . Oregon seems like it has lots of trees and nature .
I would feel so much better if I got away. I could meet totally new people, see new places , eat at new restaurants .
I hate seeing the same old boring stuff that’s been here since I was born […]
It’s my senior year and I’m afraid of losing touch with my friends… That’s all I can think about and it scares me. I don’t want to let them go like some of my old friends. Please, how do I keep updated and in touch with them when I’m done with high school?
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
How great my griefs, my joys how few,
Since first it was my faith to know thee
have the slow years not brought to view
How great my griefs, my joys how few,
Nor memory shaped old times anew,
Nor loving kindness help to show thee
How great my griefs, my joys how few,
Since first it was my fate to know thee?
**Thomas Hardy**
I didn’t really know were else to come but here so…
I always feel sore somewhere, my hands have had problems for years, my back often gets sore as well as my feet when standing of walking for a long time. My knees can start to hurt too and sometimes my joints feel so uncomfortable, not in a hurting way though, just a weak way. Lately I have also been getting sore hips, or they just feel really weak.
I’m 15 year’s old and I’m quite athletic, I’m pretty sure I eat healthy (Healthy enough) and I am quite fit compared to most other people my age […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Just yesterday I had a dream of my mother, she was drunk and throwing stuff around our home. In my dream I called her “a drunk” and then she looked at me and asked “what about you?” What was the box of wine I found in your room?”
That dream could not be more true, I’m not living at home but its true I’m drinkin as much or even more than she is.
Life is not working out at all, I’m 23 years old, never had sex, never had relationship. I seriously just want to die.
I hear comments from my friends every few days about how […]
The date is January 19th, 2016. I scroll through my email folders looking for old emails to delete and I come across a strange message saved in the bottom of a website folder.
[the suicide project]
Memories flooded back to me instantly. I log on and see that I’m an enigma. Just one draft from November 26th, 2013.
“Just don’t worry.”11/26/2013
I can’t help it. My brain is defective.
My name is Ashley. At the time of joining this website I was 18 years old and suffering through the worst depression that I had ever endured. The DEPO birth control shot was to blame, of course, but that just made […]
I am no longer myself. I remember how I used to be before seven years of depression. I used to be the most optimistic individual, but life has a way of fucking you over.
For starters, after years of hearing people say negative things about you, you start to believe. I am an eighteen year old mistake. My life was a replacement. My father was abusive and caused my mother to have a miscarriage. Their intention was to replace that baby boy, so I was born.
Throughout my years, I have heard this story so much. Eventually as my father extruded himself from our family domicile, I […]
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