When can I leave? I want so badly to go now to just fade away. But I can’t. I promised myself I would wait till my parents were gone. So here I am waiting, forever waiting till the time when I can cease to exist. There is nothing for me here and there never can be. I only destroy everything and create pain for those around me. Around people but never part of anything, no connection. Alone. And hurting.
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I looked through some old stuff of mine today. It seems like the past three weeks have been about understanding around when hell began. I found a diary from when I was 13, seven years ago. As I read it I’ve noticed some minor symptoms of depression, so, the illness actually existed a long time before I knew it, but it definitely reached its peak two years ago.
I just joined the army then, and lasted four days. It was the purest hell I couldn’t imagine. Pain, all over. Not that physical, tolerable pain. Emotional pain. Nothing seemed important anymore. Not my family, not my life. Then, on the […]
You know. I don’t know how you would act if I told you I was depressed. You would probably give me a useless pep talk then get mad when I don’t change like she does. I’ve already talked to them all. But I won’t talk to you. I can’t. You left. I remember when you told me that you were going. You were smiling and I was begging but you still left. I cried at school. People made fun of me behind my back. You made me lose my confidence and trust with people. I slowly realized that you would not be coming back. But […]
I wonder how many of you on here actually went through with it, part of me doesn’t want to, the thought, the idea of just not existing, used to haunt me. But maybe it’s because part of me always knew I wasn’t supposed to exist in the first place. I was a mistake, and not just to my parents, but to the universe. I have nothing to offer except making other peoples lives as miserable as mine. Every time I’ve ever tried, at anything, I have failed. And those closest to me laugh about it. They laugh when I hurt, that has to mean something, […]
Well, this is the way
it goes for some of us.
We try our best,
we fight the good fight…
…and yet we cannot succeed
against the greater forces.
..And After everything
we’d been through,
Our moment
will finally arrive.
To part from this world,
and to move on to the other!!!
Spent quality time with mom and got a new pair of shoes for seventy percent off.
But the best part of my day was hearing from a friend who I haven’t seen in a few months. She asked me for some advice regarding a farewell gift for her co-worker. It’s always enjoyable speaking with her. She is an absolute sweetheart.
I hear all these people who talk about God’s plan for people, and how everything that happens is by “His” will. Personally I don’t really believe in that, for a couple reasons.
#1 If everything really is all part of a plan, then there would never be any cause for worry about consequences. This site is full of people who think that suicide is an acceptable way to end your life (I’m included in that category) but most of society especially religious nuts talk about how its such a sin. But if you do end up killing yourself, isn’t that part of the plan too? So […]
I suppose I should be feeling better. Still everything is going wrong. A part of me wants to stop, a part of me just wants to go. How much longer will this fight continue?
Ever had someone laugh in your face for trusting them? I never trust myself or my own judgement because my head is so fucked. Someone convinced me to give them a chance and that I was being irrational which is normally the case. Well tonight they literally laughed because I trusted their intentions and settled for less. I feel so stupid and so used and I am just trying to survive when I would rather be dead. I have prayed for death for so long and tried to kill myself several times. Why do I set myself up for heartbreak. I am not important to […]
Is it weird that part of me is afraid of the water? I guess that’s why I don’t go swimming cause I almost drowned 2 times, once when I was little and another time when I had to save my little sister from drowning in the ocean even though she weighed more than me. And another part of me just doesn’t like the water. Ever since I saved my little sister ( 3 years younger than me) from drowning I have not gone in the water really, Ive only gone in when I had to, for example camp when I had to surf and swim in Catalina […]
Since my relationship crumbled a few weeks ago, I have had this sinking feelingp in the pit of my stomach. I would wake up with it. It’d be with me until I went to bed at night. The only time i could ignore it was at work.
Sometimes, I’d wake up in the morning and cry myself into a vomit session. Worst part about that is not having ingested anything but weed and alcohol for the past 23hours. I’d rather drink than eat. Eating is so hard now but it used to be my favorite thing. Now nothing has taste. I went to bed last night […]
depression is silent, it creeps up to you at first, and then all at once. Sometimes it causes anxiety, a mental disorder. I think it’s funny how most people say I don’t do anything for them, when in reality, I do much more. I fake smiles and wipe my tears to avoid them getting stressed, I don’t talk to them so they don’t have to put up with me, and most importantly I pretend I don’t have a mental illness called depression.
As the lines from one of my favorite songs;
“So what if you can see, the darkest part of me? Nothing can stop […]
It’s the little things that matter most in this world. The smile from a stranger.. Good advise from a friend.. A fond memory of weekends spent laughing and nothing else.. It’s the little things we share together that mean something. And it’s the little things lost that create the greatest void and the harshest confusion.
When you left, you vanished into thin air..and when you did.. You forgot your towel.. It was just sitting there, so I figured you would come back. But then after a short while, I discovered you left your phone on the table. That can’t be right…you sorta forgot to give […]
I am at work feeling scattered and not quite apathetic just conflicted. part of me doesn’t care and wants to run out and leave and never come back. Part of me wants to stay because the work I do is important and does help people. Part of me hope an airplane crashes into my building and takes me out. Part of me is focused on the pain in my belly. Part of me is focused on my broken heart. Part of me is horny. Part of me never wants to be touched again for as long as I live.
Living is hard.
It dawned on me a moment ago that its very possible it could happen. Although I’d like to think you’re a stronger person than that, I felt I had to tell my end of it..
When you left me here alone, you took a part of me I can never get back. Not just your love and affection and the world beneath my feet.. But you took away my reason to fight, my reason to live. And because you knew it would destroy me, and still felt it was for the better, that part of me that fought for something more left with my undying […]
Life. This never ending charade of lows marred by a few high points. Here I am once again and no, I do not feel good. I put up one heck of a fight but it wasn’t enough. Rather it was against the wrong opponent. I slaved away, hacked every piece of work to tiny shreds and earned my vacation. Achievement? Yeah probably but it did nothing to make me feel better. Quite the opposite, my slaving away left me in an all too common spot in life. All the friends i had graduated and because i dedicated everything to work. I turned invisible, uninteresting again. […]
I have never felt sad about a suicide. By the time I graduated high school, two of my best friends had killed themselves and even at that young age I never felt sad. Confused, yes. But in my heart I knew that suicide marks the end of a problem, and so… much like divorce in the case of an abusive marriage, it’s a good thing even though humans instinctively say “how awful”.
Humans at large cannot perceive the problem, so all they see is the solution which they don’t agree with. If you didn’t know that a woman was being mugged, and all you saw was […]
This is the first time I have wrote on one of these so not sure what to expect. I’m looking for maybe an answer or someone to agree with me, anything really.
So I’ve been with my fiancé for ten years and we have three amazing children together, we have had so much bad luck together and lots of ups and downs. I have made a fair few decisions that have not helped us in our relationship two just recently, I got a number off a girl and arranged to meet but didn’t because I realised it was wrong, I know that’s not the […]
There was inter star meet.
Where organizer auctioning different planets
For some reason, I brought planet earth hoping it will be profitable
When I see into it, it is full of species called humans
Only 20% of those species are really useful for me
I separated brain out of those 20% humans and threw remaining part(body) of the humans and also I threw away that useless planet
Now I realized these preserved brains are useless because those brains are so screwed up with concepts like god, billion year old concepts of physics, crap philosophy and full of self-convincing power.
To solve a problem which I can in a day, they took 10 […]
You know the time right after a really heavy rainstorm? When it’s quiet and peaceful and all of the ugliness is over – Honestly, I’ve always been a little afraid of heavy rainstorms, especially when there’s lightening and thunder. But I love when it’s over – I like to stand outside and smell the fresh air, and breathe a sigh of relief – not nervous anymore. I’m hoping that’s what we’ve finally come to – the end of the thunderstorm. I don’t want to be nervous anymore. It has been what I have dubbed “the winter of our discontent” – a seemingly endless series of […]