I’ve been listening to a lot of “Doom Metal” lately. Bands like Bell Witch, Tyranny, My Shameful, Mournful Congregation, Shining, Who Dies In Siberian Slush, The Howling Void, and others, and I’ve come to find a kind of beauty in the darkness of it all. The deep gutturals, the heavy bass riffs, the long drawn-out notes, and slow drums tap into the sadness within me. I’ve been feeling connected to the sorrow and have grown to enjoy this pain in a way I never thought I would. It’s having some kind of sick paradoxical effect where I want to drown and let the despair consume […]
Tag:
Pleasure
The more I try to pleasure others, the emptier and worthless I feel.
What’s the best thing in the world?
June-rose, by May-dew impearled;
Sweet south-wind, that means no rain;
Truth, not cruel to a friend;
Pleasure, not in haste to end;
Beauty, not self-decked and curled
Till its pride is over-plain;
Love, when, so, you’re loved again.
What’s the best thing in the world?
–Something out of it, I think.
My kind of suicide isn’t suicide at all, as funny as that may sound.
The way I see it is that I don’t have to take my own life, life will take it for me. All I have to do is live. I mean, even if I get stricken with cancer I can be thankful I won’t live to an old age where I’m helpless, just get it over with. That’s worth the pain I think. I’ve seen an old friend die of cancer, in comparison to other ways one can go out, it didn’t seem that bad the way it hit him quick. And […]
So sorry Syria,
It’s your turn now to suffer the relentless war machine we have created. This was never the “dream” of the people, but some one pressed the bottom and now the machine is unstoppable.
Our collective hands are in the air and our perspective noses are back to the floor, our febel eyes rolled back with our stubborn feet kicking pebbles in our absence of helpful words for reasoning.
“I guess..I guess..well idk!”
If we had control over ourselves..idk!
If we really believed in a better world for…idk!
And if we could change things for tomorrow […]
You
know when u really trusted someone and then they say they trust you and all of
a sudden they stop talking to you because of someone else. Honestly I don’t
know what to do anymore. Im getting attacked left, right and center, by this
girl. I trusted him with things that I would never trust anyone with. He played
with my heart and said he was only talking to her because he was trying to be
the good mate. Now I feel like I was used just for his pleasure.but now I feel
down because I really found out who it was attacking me. […]
I thought I was past this, I thought she was gone, or at least frozen for a while.
I’d been content (never happy) for a while, but all suddenly again the world is dark.
It makes me cry to look at my face, to look at my body, gives me hope when i cause myself pain,
each thought containing something that may lead to happiness is tainted.
Each opportunity handed to me, each gift of love shared with me I care little for and ruin.
I feel worthless, I feel ashamed, this is the 19th night in a row i’ve cried.
Im so much more ugly when I cry too.
God why […]
so more came out. along with the paying whores for the last seven years he had multipul e mail accounts and was sending messages back and forth with people was on tons of sex sites chat sites dating sites getting naked pics from people jerking off to anything anyone any fucking whale or old lady who sent him shit. pretending he was this black guy with a HUGE ungodly moster penis. OMG.. unreal… my life seems so unreal.. like a awful fucking joke.. and I know he has a addiction problem and he is gonna get help but then there is other shit …apparently my […]
A year ago I felt so peaceful and free after moving forward on my plans to recover from an eating disorder that had taken over my life and jeopardized my health. I was improving more each and every day, I was enjoying food, and pleasure had been brought back to life. I thought the nightmare was over, I knew relapse was a harsh possibility, but I assured myself I would stay strong. At the time I had no support other than the occasional “I’m so happy for you†from a friend. That’s the way I wanted it, […]
I have LPR.
It’s a horrid disease and incurable to say the least. Those with LPR have the pleasure of experiencing various, horrible, painful symptoms in their heads and throats. There is no cure. Doctors refuse to acknowledge its existence. The only one who does – a specialist – says having LPR is like having the ‘VIP pass’ to throat cancer.Guaranteed. The stomach enzyme pepsin is to blame for both LPR and fatal throat cancer. Proven.
And I have LPR. Proven. Therefore I am almost guaranteed to experience cancer, which will kill me. Painfully…
And even if I don’t, I will have to suffer for my whole life, […]
When I look forward and try to picture my future I see absolutely nothing. That petrifies me, that feeling of dread catches in my lungs and I don’t know what to do. How do I make it go away? Dear god I need something. The blade is not enough anymore, I love her, I always will, but it’s becoming dull. I fantasise about suicide, the how’s and when’s … pills or hang from a rope or a trip off a ledge, if you dare. I want more than anything to make it stop; I need it all to fucking stop. I have never attempted, I […]
As I see it there are three things preventing us from leaving this horrid planet:
1. The survival instinct. It’s hard wired into our brains from millions of years of evolution, and I think we all know, whether we have attempted or not, how powerful it is.
2. The values that have been bread into us since birth. We live in a world of mental slavery. A small number of insanely wealthy and powerful people control thge rest of the population, using them to maintain their power and wealth. Yet they don’t do this with chains, whips, and dogs. Instead, bread into us since birth are the […]
Today was nothing special, the usual boring, stressful mess at work. However, it’s still the day that finally broke me down, though I’m not sure why. For roughly three years now, not a day has passed that I haven’t thought about death, but getting home today, I knew I couldn’t stand one more day of hating what I saw in the mirror.
I’m just drained mentally, and numb emotionally. I don’t live for myself, but exist from day to pointless day. Each day is just dull maintenance of my basic needs. I find no pleasure in life, nor is there anything I want out of it: […]
I want to reach out, I really do but I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I am so deeply conflicted. I am so frustrated that I cannot seem to unravel these feelings long enough to really understand them. I must be losing my mind, I can’t concentrate and I take pleasure in absolutely nothing. I hate waking up every day with no interest in a single, solitary activity. There is no song I feel like listening to, no movie I feel like watching, no friend I feel like seeing, no hobby I feel like exploring. I feel as though I can’t survive this self-made […]
What road did i turn down that lead to this?
i wonder what had truly happened
the years that past, that left us behind
if i had the hands of time i would rewind
i cant change who you are
i cant erase all those scars
but did you have to mark me to?
the past of pasts it runs through and through
to break the cycle, break who you are
before your sense have ran to far
there worn out and stretched thin
so where do we truly begin?
they say to help, help yourself
you dont want it, u like the hand thats dealt
one mans pain is another mans pleasure
you hold it close like its […]
I can’t find pleasure in anything anymore. I was
born a fuck up, and by my mid teens I was in lots of trouble. I tried so hard to piece my life together, and managed to become moderately successful. Now, 26, employed and financially stable, I don’t know why I’ve kept going this long.
I don’t want medication. Sex made me happy for awhile, I’ve done things with women that excited me. That’s about the only thing that I can even get minimally happy for, but I lose interest in my partners, who I generally enjoy submissive.
Every night I go out to my cottage, play the […]
Oh well, life has been… well, life has been life lately. I am posting here because I feel the need to after some crazy weeks. Still trouble with education and law, basically everyone is endlessly procrastinating. I couldn’t care less. I have been taking insane amounts of benzos for a few days until I ran out. Life is quite a lot more bearable when you are unconscious, surprisingly. Alcohol helps too, the combination is good too. Until you run out and you have to withdraw. I had been taking the benzos on prescription as a sleep aid on-and-off for a few years, so withdrawing from […]
okay people, this is finally it, no backing out. In this scene I will portray a happy go lucky 13 year old girl like I always do, I always audition for the real side of her but never get it, but the awesome thing is that this time, there is a tall building that I will have the pleasure of jumping off of. oh the lights are on and the cameras are ready. Time to fall.
My motto when I was in 6th grade was “life is a movie, so just fake a smile.” well i’m done acting. i found a really tall building inmy […]
My life is a big piece of wrongful humor.
I wish I could dig my regrets deep down, break my sorrows, and let go of my sins.
Who’s that uncredited monster that dwells behind the scenes of my life? I will find you and kill you.
There is no such thing as routine. There is regular disorder.
Everything is possible… Until a choice has been made.
It won’t be what can’t be.
Forgive the truth for its cruelty.
Are you frightened? I’ve got a cup of pleasure for you.
Things, which make you cry, should reverse.
They are laughing, again. May they choke on their laugh.
Destroy all, destroy all or nothing.
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