Hello all. This is my first post so please bear with me. I am a 35 yo female struggling with several mental illnesses including chronic depression and Borderline personality disorder. Im not sure how i should be anymore because everything i have tried f-ed things up. I finally have gotten to the point i understand im not lazy, faking, seeking attn or looking for an excuse. However, it does not take away the Emptiness inside. Nor does it take away the feelings of wanting to commit suicide. I don’t understand why even on my good days small things can happen and i think i dont […]
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i swear i have been through so much in my 21 years of age, any other person would’ve killed themselves.. im not there yet. but there isn’t a time that i don’t think about it. im at the point where its so hard for me to hold anything in. i just wanna cry and get away from everyone. everyone always ends up hurting me anyways. lol. im just looking for love.. Arent we all tho? isnt that the only thing that kills us. we all crave it and need it. and every time i find it, it turns to shit. its like every time its […]
I look back to 10 years ago… 10 years!? Has it really been that long!?… I wish I could be 22 again & go out clubbing every night getting wasted & lost dancing to Techno at the trendiest “gay” club, without a care. Just to be happy in that moment. Not caring if guys or gals hit on me, as long as they bought me drinks or smokes! Oh those were the days…
But now, it is no longer considered ‘appropriate’ for a 32yr old to go out & be drunk. Not that I can drink or smoke anymore. No, some bad choices in relationships have […]
I don’t have a set date, but I finally have all the material needed to carry it out. I’d dare say that I’m actually excited about it; it’s like I’m planning for a vacation that I won’t come back from, nor would I want to. As of lately, I’ve thought more of the proper location for this event. Apparently, there are quite a number of choices, but I thought somewhere out in nature would be nice. Typically, in my previous experience, when I discuss suicide among those who are also contemplating it, it seems to be mostly born from a feeling of dread and doom, […]
Lately I’ve been passing time by watching reality television. Before i never watched it and thought it was stupid. It is stupid and ridiculous but somehow watching rich white people is ridiculously hilarious at this point in life. Watched secret princes and am watching nyc prep.
Went to Baltimore a few weeks back, it was fun and nice to be out of my hellhole of a house. moving this week though art of me wants to give up. get up drink meds go to work get up drink meds, go to work. time passes and either way i must be getting closer to death.
Eating to pass […]
I watched this movie today called gimmie shelter.the girl basically had a hard life crazy mother rich dad who didnt want her.but in the end she got her happy ending.i would say only in the movies but this was based off a true story.what i wonder is why cant i ever get things right.this girl probably still has worries and hardships but her life will still be better than mine. Cause she got the help she needed.im twenty one all i think about is suicide and its starting to seem like thats all i know.and that would be great except ive never made […]
I have had it with everything.
for all im concerned I have had a pretty good upbringing.
although my mother liked to drink a lot and party and take drugs, she looked after me and my siblings well, that’s what I thought.
everyone els wanted to take me and my brothers and sisters away from her. they got there wish.
and she just started picking herself up and I was going to live with her again.. the only person I trusted, loved, felt safe around… she died a year ago..
since then I have been picked on and bullied.. I have tried suicide a fue […]
I’m new here, just made an account. Anyway I’m a 22 year old guy. I was recently diagnosed with epilepsy and that has been having my depression worse then ever. I’ve been depressed for my whole life. I honestly can’t think of the last time I was truly happy. I don’t think I ever have been. Life is too much right now. I don’t want to keep doing this because staying alive feels like it’s killing me. The non stop doctors apointments have ruined my sad at best social life. Never had lots of friends. Always only had two or three but they were the […]
why do i bother aparantly im a lier whats the fucking point in shearing things in a place i thought was safe i give up
I think i reached a point where i know and feel worthless to everyone around me and to myself. whats the point of life anyways? if there is something after death, heck i ve had enough. I would like to take that little voyage.
any ideas how to end this while sleep ?
i did it… i cut so much i cant see the top of my right arm… yay? do i get a achevment now will it pop up on my screen “you fucked your arm up and your high on blood loss g fucking g”im at the point now were im floting im going to flote down the stears vire the windo now see you guys in a and e or the morg prefably the later though its only a seciond story but its worth a shot
I think a lot about killing myself. Not like a point on a map, but rather like a glowing exit sign at a show that’s never been quite bad enough to make me wanna leave. See, when I’m up I don’t kill myself because holy shit- there is SO much left to do. And when I’m down I don’t kill myself because then the sadness would be over, and the sadness is my old paint under the new. The sadness is the house fire or the broken shoulder, I’d still be me without it, but I’d be so boring. – Neil Hilborn, “The Future”
So Im going to enjoy my last days….. fishing, doing things I enjoy. Fuck all else….. it doesn’t matter. I’ll do things the fuckin way I want to.
And that makes me sad, sort of.
My middle name is Maree, and I’ve had serious depression for about three-and-a-half years now. I believe the causes have an older age, but most of it is a bit foggy. Do I write “had” depression, as if it was an object? I had a hat that I used to wear everyday, no matter the weather, but now I don’t anymore. Or is it more of a condition: I’ve been depressed for three-and-a-half years, and the fact that it hasn’t let up tremendously shows it’s more that a bit of the blues.
I’m straying from the point. I don’t know […]
Two month going strong. To months I had enough strengt in me that i could actually feel, but it was slowly deteriorating with every little thing that happened it took a little bit of stength away till i finally hit my breaking point. The point where all the pain caused me to go numb. I needed to feel something. Love wasnt gonna happen happiness was a long way away sadness has been around to much and decided to go on vacation. Even my good friend fear wasn’t around. My best bet was pain. As i sit in a room only dimly lit only by the […]
getting high to forget my lows. its become a habit for months now. I can’t seem to stop. The longest ive gone without being high had to have been 4 days. I know i have a problem. I just dont care to do anything about it, i mean whats the point?
I like this guy. He broke up with his girlfriend for me and for some other reasons. Their relationship had gone on for roughly 18 months. See just last night I thought, you know I’ll be honest with her, so I told her that I liked him and that I was so sorry. We had a row. I’d just like to point out me and this girl were close. I hate myself. I fucked up a relationship, a friendship and everything happy in my life. I don’t deserve to be happy because this girl loves this guy. But he likes me and I like him.
This […]
No matter how hard I try to distract myself and think of good thoughts, the bad ones always come back and persist. It has gotten to the point where I just want to kill myself and end it all. I can’t handle anything anymore
This is all my words. Here it goes hope you enjoy…
I’m drowning in the darkness of my bloody lost soul
freezing and falling through this endless black hole
I can feel it all my blood is raining and the knife is sawing
but none of this will help the frostbite in my mind start thawing
I feel forzen isolated broken and alone as my depression leaks from parts unknown
Maybe from my slit wrists deep down to the bone
cuts and scars on my body never to be shown
So insecure and emotional it makes me cry
To the point where I lay in bed and pray […]
Fucked up fact about me, people that care and try to help me annoy me. So what kind of person does that make me? I have dark thoughts and I don’t feel guilty about them either and sometimes that worries me. I want to love someone, I want to care, I want to feel something good but I can’t. I feel nothing but hate, annoyance, and anger, nothing more and its eating away at me. There aren’t any good parts of me left, I’m glad no one likes me that I matter to no one I’m glad I pushed them all away. Because if they […]