Nothing, that’s what I am, and that’s what I feel. I may be breathing but, I am not living. Nothing that I ever do is ever good enough for anyone, and it never will be. For years I used to blame those that were around me for the way that I am, but maybe all along it has only truly been me. Maybe the beatings, the abuse, the hatred that others always directed at me was never really their fault, perhaps the blame should have been pointed at me all along. There is no reason for me to live, everything that I have ever held dear to […]
Tag:
Presence
I don’t really see what else there is for me to do. I feel like all I ever do internally and out is apologize for the kind of person I am and the choices I’ve made. I feel like I should apologize for not being successful the last three times I tried to commit suicide, both to myself and to everyone who’s had to deal with me since those points.
It’s been made pretty much abundantly clear that I am the thing standing between my mother and her relationship. Her **** of a boyfriend is so pre-occupied with how much of a disappointment I am that […]
I am over 50 years old. I’ve thought about suicide since I was 13. I have made attempts to end my life more than a couple times. The thoughts, planning, and so on have been so much a part of my mentality, I believe it has become a bad habit, habitual though process. The last stint of actively engaging in therapy my goal was to get new thoughts. I’ve tried. Truly I have tried to get along in the land of the living. When I make an attempt to interact / communicate with my loved ones, I continue to fall short – and immediately go […]
I consider myself fairly reasonable, but lately I’ve been contemplating suicide more and more. I am a twenty-three year old man living at his mom’s house. My mom suffers serious emotional problems after my dad died in 2001. She is a good parent, and I am well taken care of at home. Our family even has a fair amount of money. Things could be worse; however, her emotional problems have become aggravated since I graduated college and returned home in December. Even though my full-time job keeps me out of the house for a majority of the day, my mere presence triggers obsessive behavior in […]
It’s true: hurt people hurt people. I’ve never walked around rejecting others while genuinely in a happy state. On the other hand, when I hurt, I hurt those around me; not always intentionally or maliciously. It’s more of a”too stuck in my head to deal with anyone else” kind of hurting. Sometimes, it manifests itself in the form of quickly rejecting the presence of those around me so I can not-soon-enough resume my isolation. The chiming in of anyone else is dismissed as nothing short of a threatening disturbance.
I normally stave off the constant “get me out of here” feeling through substances or the validating […]
My Immortal lyrics:
I’m so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
‘Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won’t leave me alone
These wounds won’t seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There’s just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears
When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I’m bound […]
i try. i try to hold on to you. this pain is just to real. there is so much that time cannot erase. my wonds wont seem to heal. you presence is just too much for me to bare. i try to hold onto your hand and let you say everything will be ok. sometimes you are speachless. not knowing what to say. sometimes when your not around i get into a deep depression and i wish you were here to give me a hug and promise you will stay with me forever. as i think about my past i begin to cry. sleepless nights […]
im thinking,the next train usaully goes past a little after 10 o clock,i waited untill it gets dark out so noone sees me and gets tramatized,mabey i should jump the train first, see were it takes me,mabey to a different state,but then i will have to change my appearence, if i do decide to go tonight, im nervis,iv been out of my body before,i have had a obe,and i saw something i never want to see again,wen i went back in my body, i still felt that presence,i dont know what happens wen you die, noone does untill it happens to them, but being out […]
the Watcher
The woodsmen, on this day as any other, dragged his found logs from the forest, on a small cart, into the village. Winter was coming and like his father before him he would need to gather a lot of wood to fend off the coming cold. He patted his children on the head and headed back into the dark cool forest for another load of wood. Deeper and deeper he searched for trees that had fallen and split so that he may break them with his hands and fill his cart. Deadfall wood was getting hard to find, his need was great but his […]
For a week I was able to stay away from thoughts of suicide and I was able to keep myself busy enough to barely notice my sadness. But that all came crashing down yesterday before resulting in this strange mixture of apathy and sadness I feel right now.
I hate feeling nothing.
Feeling nothing is as bad as feeling massively miserable, if not worse due to the guilt that goes with not giving a shit about stuff you know you should give a shit about.
I have important exams this year, it less than a fortnight’s time but I have yet to make myself care enough to study […]
To all who’ve loved me.
i leave this is in wake of my soul, as it has left my body.
I give you my utmost apologies, that i know will never suffice for the loss or troubles i’ve given you, in my life and in my suicide. I would not leave a note if it weren’t for the urge i feel even now to assure you that it was by nothing you’ve done, that i’m leaving my life this way. To my family and friends find solace in the fact that were it not for you, i would not have even made it this long. You loved […]
herewith the top 3 reasons why people say you shouldnt “leave”…
1.) think of what it would do to those who love you
2.) Your depression is only temporary
3.) Maybe things will be worse “when you are on the other side”…
Herewith my responses:
1.) Why is it that we are made to feel so indebted to others to remain here in our suffering? Are we here to serve as buoyancy devices for those who cant stay afloat without us? Why do people feel a sense of ownership towards others? We ALL (with NO exception) are targeted for an eventual demise, why think that there is any […]
I’m sitting here in English class,
My mind is far away,
I’m drifting more and more,
My skies keep growing grey.
The times are quite exhausting,
My mask is slipping off,
I don’t know how long I’ll manage,
To continue all the faking.
My life is split in two,
I’m pretend and I am real,
I’m hiding from the world,
But on my own the real shines through.
My thoughts don’t make sence,
Just like my presence,
I wish my ties were severed,
So I can fly free.
Flying free is what I long for,
I could leave it all behind,
I would float amongst the clouds,
finally released […]
You read the stories of people suffering and slowly dying. You hear the words of being told a person is dead over and over again in your dreams. You see everyone you know around you dying suddenly without signs. You cry every night when you remember them living. You beg God to somehow bring them back to you and alive again. You feel the presence of your lost friends at your side all the time. You replay the scenes of their death over and over again. You spend hours memorizing facts about the people you lost. You reread your last message or recall your last […]
Those of you that are atheist, or some other religion, please take no offense if this goes against your beliefs, just know that this DID happen.
The other night I wanted to grab that knife so bad and I was shaking so uncontrollably, gasping and blacking out. As these thoughts of self harm and death came into my head, God stopped me from acting on them. I felt so compelled to try and calm myself, and I felt some force driving me away from the knife and those awful, awful thoughts. Then again just two nights ago, I wanted to cut so badly, and I walked […]
I feel like no one ever listens to me and hear my opinions. Like anything that comes out of my mouth or anything that I think of is just jibberish and not worth anyone’s time. They always cut me off before I finish my thought, judge me from the first 3 words of my sentence, ignore me after a minute. What’s the point in being here if no one really wants the hear what you have to say?
I’m tired of always fighting to have my voice be heard.
Even on here.
Am I just a nuisance to everyone? Does my presence annoy the hell out of you? If […]
Fact: There are three emotional things every person needs…
1.) To be loved.
2.) To love.
3.) Something to look forward to.
Today I realized that I can’t kill myself. I can’t kill myself because there are people who actually need me. There are people who actually appreciate me and my presence. There are people who love me more than I love myself and I there are people I would do anything for. If I died, it would affect so many people. Think about yourself, think about the people you care about and the people that care about you. I know someone loves whoever is reading this, multiple people […]
About four years ago, my life fell apart with no catalyst. I suddenly realised just how futile my existence was. I was in a job I didn’t enjoy that fed nothing but the pockets of some well seated theatre types, I lived on my own and was miles away from any of my friends. All of my life I’ve felt I’ve never really contributed to anything, materially, socially or emotionally. I was utterly isolated and I knew nobody missed me. Right now, I’m in a different job, living in a flat with a friend who, since moving in with me, has made it patently clear that […]
Suicide, suicide
Your presence is near
Suicide, suicide
I wish you were here
Suicide, suicide
Take me away
Suicide, suicide
Please make it today
Suicide, suicide
An answer, for me
Suicide, suicide
I need to escape, be free
Suicide, suicide
I’ve had too much
Suicide, suicide
Take me, do your touch
Suicide, suicide
Leave the rest behind
Suicide, suicide
You’re all over my mind
Suicide, suicide
Let me pass in peace
Suicide, suicide
I need to release
Thank you, Lord!.
Thank you, Father!.
Thank you, God!.
You truly are the path of happiness and joy.
I have never in my life felt more happy than now at this very moment.
The darkness of the world confuses us, and makes us pursue earthly desires… money, vanity, lust, fame, food….
Lord break our chains to these sins. We have become slowly slaves to these earthly desires. We wallow in our sins, and we rationalize to ourselves that this is the way. That such pleasures that never fill but increase our void is what is right.
Lord break our chains to these sins. Let us break free. Slaves no more […]