It’s true: hurt people hurt people. I’ve never walked around rejecting others while genuinely in a happy state. On the other hand, when I hurt, I hurt those around me; not always intentionally or maliciously. It’s more of a”too stuck in my head to deal with anyone else” kind of hurting. Sometimes, it manifests itself in the form of quickly rejecting the presence of those around me so I can not-soon-enough resume my isolation. The chiming in of anyone else is dismissed as nothing short of a threatening disturbance.
I normally stave off the constant “get me out of here” feeling through substances or the validating love of another. But no matter what, the feelings seem as though they are here to stay. When the above don’t work, I resort to stirring up drama, throwing accusations at others or begging for their company in a feeble attempt to once again feel a sense of homeostasis. But to no avail.
In the grand scheme of it all, suicide has never sounded more distortedly appropriate. I live life chasing serenity through the very things that deny me that serenity. After a while, death and serenity, in a distorted sense, seem one in the same.
1 comment
Serenity is the path…love is the path, peace is the path. It’s in you already, no need to chase it down. Realizing the hurt that anyone put on you was a result of what was going on in them. No need to carry in you whatever they dished out…cause it’s in no way a true reflection of the well intentioned decent human being you are. We come from pure positive energy and our experiences train us out of that truth and we come up with all sorts of thinking processes and concepts about life that do not support us. Heal the hurt in you by forgiving yourself because you were the common denominator in your experience. Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Cheers!