as the days go by i feel smaller and smaller and suicide seems more appealing. every day i feel like dying and every night i die, in a way. the only thing that keeps me hanging is my poetry. nothing else. not my girlfriend, not my soon-to-be-born baby boy, nor my friends and family. i feel like i got nowhere to go, i’m trapped inside this hellish reality and i don’t have the mental strength to break through it. i would’ve probably kill myself if my poetry was already published, but it’s not. hence i won’t kill myself. not until my words will light the […]
Tag:
reality
My life is crumbling right before me. It seems as if I’m in a dark hole grasping my fingers in the dirt trying to crawl out. I’ve always been a manic-depressive, but it’s getting to be to much. My fiancé of two years just left, no reason, just saying he was done. My job is barley standing, eventually it will shut down. I’m so young and I should have so much to look forward to, but I’m not seeing it that way.
Where do I start?
In a way I feel I have no right to be here. I’ve tried talking to others but repeatedly told my problems aren’t as bad as my sisters. Just first born problems I guess, feeling sorry for myself. I can’t fuck-ass around anymore, this is reality. As if I need to be told. Is my parent’s divorce reality enough? How about my sisters cutting, real enough for ya? how about not being able to sleep without feeling guilty about something: being a burden to my dad, an ungrateful daughter to my psychotic mum(emotional blackmailer, physically abusive to my sister and dad, compulsive […]
Before I start, I guess I’ll preface by saying that I’m not really used to doing this sort of thing—that is, writing out my problems to anonymous internet users. Hopefully it is way better than talking to my phony therapist, getting paid 100 dollars an hour for absolutely nothing.
Where to begin? I guess I’ll just say I was diagnosed with Body Dysmorphic Disorder, or BDD. Except that is hard for me to believe when I actually show signs of ugliness. If this phenomena of BDD didn’t even exist, I doubt I’d be writing this now. There would be nothing for doctors to pawn off as […]
I hate business !
I hate money !
I hate capitalism / capitalist !
The main reason is because business kills creativity & ideas . money kills creativity & ideas . capitalism / capitalist kills creativity & ideas !
There are a LOT of good ideas , creativity , imaginations , inspirations , dreams , & even good deeds that business / money kills ! simply because of a petty, shallow reason “it doesn’t make a lot of money or profits ! ”
money makes the world unfair ! business makes the world unfair ! capitalism makes the world unfair !
plus , the world becomes a boring […]
I’m glad to have found this site. I stumbled upon this place when I was googling a correlation between intelligence and suicide. Ever since I was a child I loved filling my head with all sorts of information, even when I wasn’t actively interested in something I had a little voice in my head that said: “Hey, that sounds useful! Remember it for later!” As the years went on I began to notice my self becoming more socially withdrawn and out of touch with people close to me. It took a while but eventually I reasoned that I was getting progressivley more depressed and apathetic […]
I can barely name these bizarre emotions I get. You could call it numbness mixed with lifted awareness. Like I’m not really here, but somewhere else. It happens to me quite often, these “detachments”. When these occur, my memory tend to get worse. I can’t remember what happened when, and I get confused easily.
I feel like I’m riding this crazy train of thoughts that will eventually take me to hell. Oh I think about many different things, not all are bad, but I get lost in the montage of feelings. I know how to make this stop. Sleeping usually does the trick. But temporary stopping […]
I’ve decided to give peace to my weary soul and shed the shell of human self. I have spent so much time going in and out of the reality of human existence, to realms far beyond the soul. Death and Rebirth without intention. My soul is eternal but this flesh is weak and poisoned. Is there salvation for aching bones and tethered flesh? A mind decayed by substance, a soul that cries for renewal. “Feed me to the bliss of abyss” pleads my soul. When i open my eyes and I realize I am myself again and I look at my skin and I […]
I dont think anyone can hate me just as much as i hate myself . ive been rejected so many times for so long i honestly end laughing at myself because idk why im putting up with . i dont even know why i continue to look live with depression . someone that is alone like myself will never beat depression or ever find someone to care about me. Sometimes i just sit and imagine to myself how my life would be if i wasnt alone depressed or being with someone special to me but reality is always outside of my mind .im finally […]
I was watching tv had a couple of laughs then went back to my usual depression when i rembered that i am alone and always been. Cant even sleep cus my own thoughts betray and remind that i am alone and reminding to never dare to hope because it will only lead to more self hate and to more suicidal plans that i try to get rid off but i just cant because its the only way to “get out” of my life. I used to think i could escape into my dreams and forget about my reality at least for a while but that […]
I am not afraid of death but afraid of life.
I just want to go back to where I belong.
A place far far away from here.
Where no one judges one another.
But maybe, maybe it’s all just a dream and I’ll wake up in that beautiful place again one day.
And the rainbows will cover the skies.
There will be happiness.
Why?
Why am I fooling myself?
This is reality not a dream.
I am alive on the outside but I’ve been dead for so long.
I became ready for death a long time ago but I guess death isn’t ready for me just yet.
God is boring . boring God . why human’s imagination & fantasy is better than God boring reality ? why God is boring ?
by niki
written by niki
God is boring . boring God .
why human’s imagination & fantasy is better than God boring reality ?
why God is boring ?
I hate this world . I hate this life . I hate life .
This world is so boring , boring world !
This life is so boring , boring life ! life is boring .
Why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, […]
I know I am responsible for my own life. But it has become so hard.
I don’t know if it is flashbacks or just sickening fantasies. It makes me sick. It makes me anxious. If it is flashbacks then it is reality and I can’t live with that.
I feel desperate. I need rest.
I am scattering into trillions of pieces. Not coping at all. Why would I have such sickening fantasies. What is wrong with me? But if it is true, what then. I don’t know where to turn. Exhausted
Nothing is safe in this world least of all the internet but hre I am anyway b/c I’m so tired of doing this. I wake up exhausted every day and in hell. I have a meds appt. today and as usual will have to take two buses and deal with the shit-tastic city and the triggers. I am running out of steam. It’s hard to do anything with this level of ptsd and my T doesn’t want to know about how bad I feel. My apt. is so cold due to being built above the ground that it made me physically ill this winter, I […]
Here is what I dreamed last night, unedited, unabridged (However, I left out the first hour about go, nodejs and perl over at Joel’s house).
Going down for a tour of a nuclear plant. Gary, Joel, Ryan, Ben and Me.. Its a
long way down. Gary decides to take a shortcut in the vehicle we are in. soon
we are flying through the air. More like Mario cart than anything else. Trying
to land back on the road, or so I think. We pass many on-comers, until soon we
look at each other in the back, realizing we are drifting further and further
from the road. […]
Is it worth it to be sad for loving someone who doesn’t love you back?
Is it worth it to hear all about how much she loves that guy, when in reality all you want is for her to love you?
Is it worth it to hear every single day about that guy that she loves so much, just to not lose her friendship?
Is it worth it to be everyday, every hour, at her side, faking to be okay, when in reality you’re in pain?
Is it worth it to keep the fact that I love her so much as a secret so that […]
I remember that old song “it’s my party and I will cry if I want to.”
I kinda feel like that today. As my time comes to an end, I find myself doing a lot of things for the last time. It has a bittersweet quality to it.
My life before her was neither happy nor unhappy. I was just rolling along, existing the best could at any given point in time. Some ups, some downs, but mostly even keel.
Then she came to me and everything changed. Both for good and bad. But mostly good. I got to experience love and family. The two most important things […]
It was June 2013 and a friend recommended me to a self help workshop called world works. It was a cult. They used sleep deprivation and yelling techniques to control 30 of us in a room with limited breaks. There a 3 levels of the program and I reached level 2. I quit after that but they were still bothering me writing nasty texts and kept calling me. They were awful and tried to make you feel terrible. My friend asked me whats the matter. I thought not talking about would make it go away and it didn’t. I felt like I was being followed […]
Seemingly the easiest thing to understand yet the hardest thing to live. Everyone claims to be loving in some sense. Well I love my mother, father… and my friends… ? Do I? They don’t even know what music I like for example… now that i think about it, they don’t know shit about me >: ‘(
yet reality shows that my whole life was void of love and I pretended everything was good until I noticed, that this thing called love is very, very seldom. We are all so pretentious… groups of individuals clinging together in a unity of loneliness.
Will I ever be like them? No […]
This world is boring , boring world . why movies, games, anime/manga, fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
by niki
written by niki
I hate this world .
This world is so boring , boring world !
Why movies , games , anime / manga, & fantasy / imagination is better than this world / better than life / real life / real world / reality ?
everyday life is the same : wake up, eat, go to school/work, boring, then go back home, eat, then sleep, then repeat again.
but movie / game / anime / manga / comics / books are much more exciting & interesting than this boring life !
for example: like in the world / universe of Harry Potter, Avatar, Lord of the Rings, […]