When I got laid off in January I quit all my psych meds except for occasional Xanax for job interviews. I thought I was finally helping myself after years of being a zombie. I was proud of myself and thought the hardest part was over. Wrong. I saw my shrink yesterday and told her I still suffer from extreme nausea and only Xanax and getting drunk makes it go away. She pointed out that my hands were also shaking. She then pointed out the obvious that I have been in denial of. I’m an alcoholic and when my body isn’t drunk or medicated I now […]
Tag:
reasons to live
I lost the few friends I had today because I’m such a jerk. I had another snow day today so me and my friends were playing Team Fortress 2 on a x10 server. I was using an overpowered weapon and one of my friends was getting really mad at me, and since I’m such s bad person I continued doing it because I thought it was funny. After a bit everyone left the server and joined another one. I joined the game, not knowing that they left to get away from me and I started being a douche again. Eventually everyone got fed up and […]
Maybe one day,
people would be more careful to what they say.
Maybe one day,
we’ll find a better way to lessen the pain.
Maybe one day,
our hearts will be healed.
Maybe one day,
scars will remain.
Maybe one day,
life will give us reasons to live.
Maybe one day,
we can learn how to stand again.
Maybe one day,
we can find ourselves.
And maybe, just maybe
It can all happen one day…
Finally found reasons to die…but not even one to keep staying alive.
This is such a f-cked up world.
In this page, I feel real freedom swirling around me. I can express whatever I want to say, and I know that I just often post or log in, like to be honest this is my second post since I joined last month. (It’s not as if I’m the only one). But oh well, doesn’t matter. Just found a reason to be online everyday. I’d probably be too noisy here than in the outside world, but who cares…nobody, of course.
I’ve had enough of everything. Literally, everything.
When I go […]
Hey guys.I want to say that I am going to kill myself. The main reason is that I once was a Christian and after I’ve grown up I understood there is no god and after we die we cease to exist. I suffered from depression, despair and stuff. I want to kill myself because everything I believed and experienced was a lie. The thing is, you never asked to be born..you were just born. It is like giving someone a food he hates and opening his mouth with force for puting it in. Some have a incredible desire for continuing their lives, I don’t . […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. Each day becomes harder to live through. I keep telling myself to just go through it one hour at a time. How could I do it when I can’t even sit still for an hour?
This stupid sickness is the cause of everything. I wish I could just ask doctors to surgically remove my intestines or something.
It feels like life is putting the joke on me, when I think I’m ready to die, it gives me a couple reasons to live, and when I live through it, it gives me more reasons to die and the cycle goes on.
As […]
So I’m considering going back into therapy, but am anxious about contacting anyone, and want to make things as clear as possible starting out, before I get caught up in my normal habit of trying to hide how pathetic I really am.
I was thinking something along the lines of:
Hi there,
I’m considering returning to therapy/counselling after several years. I consistently find myself feeling that my life has no value, and waste most of my time and energy in a cycle of questioning these feelings. Although I’m not actively suicidal or impulsive, this cycle causes me considerable distress and greatly inhibits my functioning.
I’m not sure it’s necessarily that I […]
This post is about a girl..
For the first time since my fiancé left, I’ve found myself between a rock and a hard place. I’ve been fortunate enough to date a couple girls since then, but they weren’t meant to be with me for various reasons.
I’ve spent too much time making friends in a bar atmosphere. I’ve questioned my own confidence and let go of a lot of insecurities. I’ve learned what I should say and not say, what is relevant and what is and is not who I am.
I still need to fix myself and get my shit together.. but […]
The music I always loved to hear lost their charm.
The DXM I treated as substitutes for real anti-depressants have lost their appeal.
I no longer linger in anticipation waiting for the next part of the show/comic I follow.
I don’t even feel excited at the prospect of having a family in the future anymore; now it just sickens me knowing that there is a possibility that I may give birth or raise a child that would end up as fucked up as I am. It frightens me that the person I would be with in the future would suffer because of my mental issues.
Besides, if I off […]
Everything is falling apart. My girlfriend was kidnapped, held against her will, and raped.For days. she is not the same any more . I promised her I would keep her safe and I failed.i love her so much and I wish I could take her pain away. I have recently started using drugs again and I can’t stop. Im losing everything i love. I want to be strong for her but I’ve never felt more weak in my life. I need help. She is suicidal andd is in a mental institution. I try to give her reasons to live but I can’t find one for […]
I lie here trying to get myself to understand why I so badly need to destroy my life tonight. I have pondered on every explanation as to why I want to watch my own blood flow like a river around me. I have a loving family that would protect me regardless the reason, a house which provides me with ample physical comfort, and a friend who would never think of judging me. I have so many reasons to live, and so many things to lose. I can tell myself that many times, but I can’t seem to accept it emotionally.
I’m starting to think that is not fair that I have to live with all this pain and anxiety just because of not hurting my mum and sister by killing myself.
So now I’m really afraid.
I study, or used to, Psichology. I rationally understand what’s going on with me. I know that it must eventually pass. That’s what I keep telling myself. But it just doesn’t feel like it will actually get better.
Some days ago, one of my sister’s friend lost her father by suicide. My sister begged me to never do the same.
When my mums boyfriend commited suicide a year ago, his own son came […]
I was always more afraid of going numb and not caring than I was of my past and the pain. Though, I can’t cope tonight. I don’t feel anything. No emotion. I don’t even hear the voice in my head like I always do. I can’t think about living or dying.They have become one and the same. I have no preference. I’ve cut and I can’t feel it. I see is the blood but it doesn’t bring me any satisfaction or pleasure. I can’t breathe right. I think I drank too much with those pills for once. It feels like I am just shutting down, […]
When you know everything is so fucked up and you can’t do anything about it?
When you really want to die but you have reasons to live?
When you really need someone to talk but no one is there for you?
Because I do..
I wrote a whole long spiel but in the end I’ll just reduce it to this:
Fellow people who didn’t grow up with *close* friends or *supportive* family, how have you created meaning in your life? I’ve always thought life’s meaning was what you made out of it– and I still do– but now I’m realizing you can’t make anything out of life if you don’t believe it could become a reality. And you can’t believe in a dream like that if you don’t believe in yourself. My problem is I don’t know how to believe in myself. I think psychological research has bolstered the theory […]
So today I started posting on this blog for suicidal people. I posted and eventually a buncha people started egging me on to cut myself some more. Obviously I have terrible self esteem so I did it. I started broadcasting my cutting. They were asking for it. So I did it. How did my life get so bad? Why is my timing in life so bad? Nobody will ever understand. They’ll all just assume. Assume assume. All I’ve ever wanted is a girlfriend. I went to a seminar in las vegas to gain confidence with woman. Shortly afterwards I had sex with the first non […]
This is my second post. My first is a life story of sorts. But the basics you need to know before you read the rest of this are: 1. I’ve struggled with severe mental illness for over half my life, and I’m young. I’ve made five very serious suicide attempts and have been psychiatrically institutionalized 11 times. So, I’m a very experienced mental patient. 2. As ironic as it is, I work in an acute care mental health facility. Most of our patients are either suicidal or have just been medically cleared and sent to us after attempting suicide. So I guess you […]
Is there really light at the end of the tunnel, or do our eyes just adjust to the darkness?
by Cheshire
written by Cheshire
I’m fairly certain I come from a long line of diagnosed and un-diagnosed mental illness. My maternal great-grandmother committed suicide when my grandmother was eleven. Unfortunately, I never really took the time to ask my grandmother how it effected her as a child and an adult, and now she’s recently passed. I have been diagnosed as bipolar by two psychiatrists, but when I returned to one of those doctors recently after a couple years gap, she seems to be rethinking that diagnosis. I’m not seeing a professional right now because I have a hard time justifying spending $50 to see the therapist every week, plus […]
This whole thing started about 5 years ago…i was 15 then…life started to hit me even harder than before…i grew with my grandparents,not so nice,they we’re always fighting over silly things,my grandpa was an alcoholic dog,my grandma was always nice,miss her btw ^^.I grew with my grandparents because my parents left the country when i was 8.So,after my 15 th birthday,you know,puberty,all of that shit,started to smoke,drink,party,it was good,you know,so good,until love started to hit me like an hurricane,i was so in love…she knew,i told her so many times,but she didn’t care…for 2 years i couldn’t stop thinking about her…that’s not nice…a few sleepless nights,drinking […]
I’ve been researching a lot about reasons to live. Not because I have a friend or a family member or even an acquaintance that has decided to take a step towards ending their life but because of the fact that I want to end my life. My extreme anxiety and shyness makes me wonder if my reasons to commit suicide are the same as the general populations–or maybe I’m researching because I can’t decide on one specific reason why all these thoughts haunt me in the few hours I am not forcing myself to take a nap.
Either way, everything I have found so far […]
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