Had to ditch visiting my mum today cos I cant leave the house. Shes going thru a rough time but I still cant help her. Now im sitting hear hating myself, racked with guilt. The spiral begins. Been repeating this pattern for sooo long!!
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
In the past month my life seems to have gone from about a five (being ok and slightly happy) to a zero real quick. Almost all my friends have moved and I am actually alone for the first time in a while. I almost forgot how terrible the feeling was. Everyday day I’ve been repeating in my head “I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself, I wanna shoot myself..” I’ve also started to imagine me killing myself at school in the bathrooms or somewhere like that and wondering if anyone would actually care. But its not like they would…they don’t […]
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This made sence .
Find myself repeating to my old habit. To be alone secluding myself keeping away from others. Not Wanting to talk to anyone . Constantly being angry all the time when others are playing and having just outside my room I sit in bed try to ignore them and I try to go to sleep but instead I just think of how useless how worthless nothing unhappy how sad I am and feel bad for a worthless piece of piece […]
If you are already on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication, after a life time of struggle and suicidal ideation; and going through a hard time, running out of money and unable to get a job; how do you feel when a friend tells you that you worry too much, then recommends an essential oil calming combination?
SCREAM!!
Thank you for listening. I just had to get that out. I should have learned by now that those who haven’t been there will never understand. Repeating a hundred ‘la la’s, while sitting in a lotus position just doesn’t pay the electric bill.
Gotta rely on sleeping pills to take me out of reality. Been in a shitty mood since Christmas Eve and can’t seem to shake it off. Repeating one of my mistakes which is not talking about my feelings and letting my bf think “what the fuck is wrong now” but fuck it Monday I’ll be back in Portland at my house and I’ll get fucked up in my room and sleep everything off and probably bring myself some kind of pain.
Why?
I am tired of asking the same fucking question
I am tired of smiling when inside i feel like i am dying
I am tired of the fucking bullshit
I am tired of lies
Don’t i deserve the truth??
Why does everybody seem to love screaming at me?
Fuck
Why did i have to be born??
Urrgh
Bone crushing pain i feel everyday
Tired of this cycle repeating
Tired of begging for help
Tired of feeling alone
Tired of myself
Tired of not being enough
Tired of making eveyone else happy
Tired of being left out
Tired of hoping for nothing
Tired of dreamless […]
Sooo someone else just walked in my life saying they love me but i know the drill. They give…give….give until they’ve gained my trust. I want to just say yes they love me…but deep down i know they don’t. I am afraid of not being…well you know. Sorry for being an annoying *****. Sorry for alway’s repeating my story.
Welp I wanted more alcohol but my Aunt the Conqorer said no! I had to get 1 12 pack of cooers motherfucking light. Since alcohol is the only thing that brings me joy, it’s very important to me to get drunk off my ass at least once a week. She is also controlling my xanex intake, which I use to sublimement for alcohol,
I tried to explain to her that I no longer want to live and gave up. I told her this many times before. She said, “well if you would have killed yourself in 2009, you would never have met your wife”. Well she’s […]
Over the entire 16 years that I have been alive, many people have told me different things. Now you woukd think that all the good things woukd stick with me and make me feel better, but that is not the way that this stupid ball of dirt we live on works. All the negative, mean, and hurtful things have stuck with me and I keep hearing these voices in my head repeating them. I can hear “Are you really that self-centered?” “When you lived with your mom, you were so horrible I alnost didn’t want to come back.” and “I have known you for over […]
In time all foul things come forth…
Technically he raped me. The definition of rape is forcing someone to have sexual intercourse against their will. That’s what he did.
I’ve never really told anyone this. I’ve hinted about it to friends, but they were never that interested. I’m ashamed because it isn’t something you ever want to admit. Makes me feel weak.
It was St Patrick’s day last year, he was drunk. I humored him when he came into my room. I even humored him when he wanted to kiss me. But then he took it too far. I said no. He pinned my arms back. I always […]
I go to school and get called a ***** and a slut by some guy then I also have his friend threatening to punch me. This makes me feel like shit. Like I came home and cried. I dont want to go to school but yet home isn’t better. My mom is in a bad mood and she’s acting like a biych. She’s the one who said she’s a *****. Just repeating her. But she’s taking it out on me and making me feel like shit. Can I please just have a break..? Guess not..
Last year I was hospitalized and then I went to a residential treatment facility to be treated for an extreme depressive episode. I remember self-admitting to the behavioral health unit. I was so out of place. I had never had an experience like that. I’ve never used drugs, and in my group therapy sessions I saw first hand how much pain addiction caused.
It’s been a year since I was released. I’ve visited with a therapist, and I’m still seeing my psychiatrist.
After all of this, my thoughts of suicide are creeping back in. I read a story about two teenage girls who killed themselves, and one […]
today i sat on my bed with 205 pills lying in front of me. all a combination of my daily meds. i figured if i took them all i’d probably die. i thought about which would be the easiest to swallow first. i sat for about 30 minutes with my death centimeters away. there were so many thoughts going through my head but one that kept repeating was “you wont fucking do it.” I figured there was a slight chance i could make it but i knew i’d have to get my stomach pumped. so i went on google to see how long i’d be […]
Well today was a terrible day. Started off good enough, I felt real for the first time in a while although I’m still hearing what people say repeating in my head, idk what that is, but anyway, I told a joke in school, a joke I won’t talk about but I’ll just say it got taken out of context, and of course the dean of students or whatever the hell you call him and now I’m going to have to deal with this shit. Of course it’s on the fist day I feel real and am starting to wish to continue on this happens. Fuck […]
Why shouldn’t I take all these pills? They stare at me with open arms and take my pain away. My weak soul is tempted beyond measure. I can’t break this habit, I’ve been trying for nearly 3 weeks, but my relapse seems to be nearing. But relapse to me is just repeating my old habit. I’ve tried to be strong but my mind is very weak, I rely on these tiny capsules.
I am holding them in my hand now, large and tiny, different brands of who know’s what. This is what I have become.
What Have you All Become? Please Comment.
Have you ever had someone you want to be happy for.But emotionally they just drain you.Thats how i feel.My friends pregnant.Her husbands a jerk. Shes to much of a child herself to be having a baby. And me im trying not to be the enemy and support her. But its emotionally draining cause we argue then she comes back looking for support and its just hard. I know i need to distance myself from this situation but i cant turn her down. Meanwhile im freaking depressed. Sure i havent hurt myself yet but it seems like im just avoiding the inevitable.Around this time my depression […]