I left high school because I was having social issues then I decided to go to Lincoln tech so I could get a good job and not be a looser and I end up getting a 3.0 at the cost of having two guys try to fight me and another pouring a soda over my head I start a job… Hate it conditions are terrible switch fields get lied to on a daily basis about advancement opportunities that don’t exist I meet a beautiful stripper by the name of Mandy real name Tiffany we texted a lot and I felt she may have been playing […]
Tag:
right
today was supposed to be my death day i was jittery and scared but i knew that something would happen to push me to where i needed to be to go through with it… and i was right! something happens every day that reminds me why i want to die. So i got my gun from bass pro shop and then i figure out they don’t have the ammo for the gun so i drive to a dicks and they don’t have it either so i go to another dicks and i finally find the right caliper bullets and i get home and i start […]
I would do anything in the world to fall asleep right now & stay in my warm comfy bed. Forever.
I am watching the Saw Series and the main character “John Crammer” intrigues me. It is interesting how he revitalizes people who would have otherwise been irredeemable if he hadn’t captured and given them a series of tests that push human tenacity to the limit.
Apathetic individuals who’ve lost all hope are given a lease on life when John Crammer paints a gory spectre of death right in front of them. It’s surprising how their lives change when they pass these tests. They cease to be self destructive and live normal lives.
But these are just movies anyway. Real life is a lot more complex.
I’m new here..and I just desperately need to type this out with the anonymity that comes with the internet. I’m so..very tired. I’m not sure what’s wrong. Since I was little..maybe 7 I became withdrawn. Depression rose and finally last year when I was 24 I finally collapsed when the anxiety decided to come out full blown. My mother took to immediate care once she found me 4 times curled up sobbing for no reason. By that time I had taken off work, my grades were garbage, I had stopped eating, stopped everything but lay in bed and cry. My father says it’s in my […]
Tonight is the night I’m going round two I’m going to do it again but I didn’t do it right. Let’s be clear right now I did try and fail but I feel no remorse I was happy and content thinking I would wake up in heaven but instead I woke up in purgatory or the earth as some call it. I need to know what over the counter Meds I can take to end it right
so it’s my first time here…I struggle with depression quite a lot and since a lot of time…it doesn’t even matter whether everything is right or wrong…the episodes just come randomly…
I get into the self destruct mode…I will do anything to harm myself and my relationships with people.
I am tired! Right now I feel I do not deserve to live as I only bring in problems for everyone….
I just want the pain to end
For years I have prayed for a terminal illness, something to to take me away from here. I had a chance of happiness once and I blew that. Every decision I have ever made has been a wrong one.
I know there are some people out there that love me but honestly I feel nothing. It doesn’t give me anything. I think on many levels they would be a lot better off without me.
I look in envy of those people who have something terminal. I pass funerals and think they are the lucky ones.
I wake up and begin my day […]
Cried myself in the bathroom. I don’t even know why I’m breaking down.
All I know is I’m tired and there are cuts on my arm. Fuck, right?
My biggest regret is that I didn’t kill myself the first time I thought about it. I was 12, and I looked forward. I saw exactly what I have become: a useless, anxiety-plagued lump. Right then I knew I should kill myself because there was nothing for me in the future. I was right. It’s been 20 years and not even a week can pass without me regretting my decision to live. It would have been so much easier, so much better when I was a child, before people expect you to be reasonable and thoughtful. I should have done it then, or I should […]
So everyday is a complete blur. It doesn’t feel like I’m living, it just feels like I’m enduring. I can’t get anything right. I have the help I need like counsellors and medication but it doesn’t make any difference. My dad and his gf think I should just fake a smile and slowly accept it as it will brighten up my day. No, because I always get the gut feeling that I’m not allowed to be happy. Not with funny incidents, not jokes, not happy with myself. Just not happy in general. I can’t be. Every time I am I seem to fuck something up […]
So I met with my counsellor/psychologist today with my sister, the second time my sister went with me. No different than before my counsellor confirmed that our family of origin (the family in which we were raised) is high on the dysfunctional scale, confirming too the cult-like nature of it coupled with isolation and other forms of emotional abuse.
For the first time ever I think my sister realises how close I am to dying. I wanted her to attend partly for her to be able to prepare. My sister and I were close growing up and while it hurts to let her know and hurts […]
In the last couple days I am always crying, and most of the time for no reason and I can’t stop. I cry in bed, I laid down in floor and cry, I cry in front of the pc, at the window, while walking like a zombie in bedroom. And then I stop crying and I am without feelings, just there, quiet and empty. And sometimes when I cry I go from “I am going to kill myself right now” to “What? I want to live” to “I hate this universe!!” in a matter of seconds and several times in a row. Even the smallest […]
Just those typical brain clouds again, swirling around, filled with negativity, hopelessness, death. I’m fantasizing about something I shouldn’t be but I just can’t help it. It’s not about beating my thoughts anymore, I’ve come to the conclusion that they are simply just there, and they will stay there most likely. It’s almost a peaceful feeling knowing that something is out of your control and you just have to accept it. They come and go, I try not to dwell on them but there are those times where I am just consumed. That is when I feel the most lost, when I am a victim […]
I fully give up in finding housing. There’s absolutely no place for me in this world. I’m completely fucking useless and a throw away of society with a computer degree, (almost) film degree, and IQ of 137. It all means nothing. Homeless and transgender, physical disabilities and failing health due to homelessness and lack of sleep. No one gives a fuck and there is no help. No one wants to live with someone obese. No one wants to live with someone over the age of 30. No one will rent to someone with bad credit. No one will rent to someone who’s background check produces […]
yall know who she is. My friend seen her in cam and showed me a screenshot, than when I seen her pics they were totally different. When confronted, she said I fell for everything. Shes really 25, don’t have Chrons, lives on her own YADA YADA YADA. Then said oh I want your dick! Than started bs again. SHE IS A PSYCHOPATH WHO IS NOT TO BE TRUSTED. I was right all along. I’m smart. I can see right though fucking people. She also said SP is full of crap and spread lies. Laughing, than talking sexual again. Well lights out. I had enough of […]
Thats not a typo. Its something my grandpa used to say and I would try to answer it for hours. Some things have no answer. Sometimes no matter how hard you try you will never get the desired results. Somethings make no sense. Im tired of trying to find an answer and am now content just letting things be. Im in a rough spot right now, worse off than ever. I havent given up yet. Gimme another week though and we’ll see if I still have the strength to carry on.
I posted this as a comment, but I just wanted to share it with others who might not read it.
I am still alive because of my curiosity. My life is shit right now, but it has to get better sometime, right? I just always tell myself that. It can’t always be like this. I wasn’t made to live this miserably forever. There’s no way. So my curiosity is, “I wonder when life is going to have that magical turning point for me. I wonder what’s going to be that turning point. What’s going to make me the ridiculously happy person I dream of being?”
So my advice to […]
Suicide
it seems so easy
no more pain
just one little step
and your life becomes in vain
it’s just so tempting
no more sarrow
a couple of pils
and no tomorrow
it seems about right
no more suffering
just one little cut
and no more fighting
its just so soothing
no more contest
just one quick shot
and your finally at rest
just jump off the bridge
across the river of life
lights out forever blind
but what of the hurt
of those you leave behind
I haven’t cut myself for like 2 months, but I really want to right now. I just need to feel the pain.