I hate myself. I hate myself so much. I want to die, truly I do. I dream of plunging a knife into my gut and slipping into ethereal darkness. My brain delights in torturing me and I just don’t want to go on like this. I’m trying to help myself, but I am relapsing. My friends wouldn’t be able to help me, and I tend to think none of them would understand where I come from. My friend made a comment about overdosing on pills and a someone she hated, and I said ‘it’s not easy.’ A hint into my hidden past. She just called […]
i suffer from:
depression
social anxiety
trichotillomania
anorexia
self harm
severe self loathing
daily (hourly) suicidal thoughts
and i’d say all of these have been keeping me from living my life the way i want to, they cause me to hurt others emotionally, and they’ve all been getting worse. i don’t know if i consider what i’m doing living, but rather merely staying alive; always wishing to drop dead any second.
How may years has it been? How many years must I endure my hate, anager, self loathing? I will never get “better” and I’ll never kill myself. So I’m doomed to a lifetime of pure suffering. How long will heaven or hell make me wait?
(I apologize in advance for venting like this.)
I have been binge eating for six months straight, and I’ve gained so much weight. I now weigh almost 80 pounds. I know that’s still really underweight, I know I shouldn’t weigh 60 or 70 or even 80 pounds – I’m an adult for fuck’s sake. But it doesn’t matter how hard I try to look at things rationally and objectively… I swear I look like I weigh twice what I do, and I’m so fat and bursting with so much self-loathing that I can’t stand it anymore. I’m never going to see myself […]
Depression hits us all, I think. There’s not a single person I have spoken to that hasn’t felt it’s clammy hands around their soul. It seems to be caused by many things, from big life changing events, to small things that just build up and knock a person off their feet eventually. Â I’ve had it time and and time again, but usually managing to shake it off like a wet dog. Â This time however, it’s crippled me.
I’ve seen death burn through a families hope, I’ve felt that pain. I got through it.
I’ve felt the devastation of a loved one no longer loving you. I got through […]
I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m an 18 (almost 19) year old college drop out, and I just feel so lost. I have been suicidal ever since I was 12, and I never imagined that I would make it this far in life. I had only gone to college so I could get away from my parents, but due to my social anxiety I was forced to come back. I feel stuck; forced to live with my father who raped and hit me as a child, and my mother who has never tried to protect me from him (and further claims that the rape was […]
well a lively chat today. i was surprised that you had already read last nights post. and surprised that you would be offended by that surprise. seriously my cynicism has everything to do with my self loathing and not your personal or professional capabilities. my previous therapist never called me at the hut . and i know that i am just one of many that you see. i did notice by the way that you zinged me pretty good. yes i know that killing myself would leave a mess for others to clean up. both literally and figuratively. i also know that my family and […]
I accidentally slept for hours when I got home today and I didn’t wake up refreshed, I just woke up feeling numbly sad. Everything’s too quiet and this silence is too loud and I have no idea how to make it go away. My words aren’t working like they usually do and I can barely string a sentence together. It’s just that right now I’m too caught up in my loneliness and self loathing to think straight and I am scared and I want everything to end, so I’m just babbling on here until it maybe starts to go away. In Religious Studies today, my […]
I’ve read that depression is based on self-loathing.
I’ve never experienced sober happiness the way others seem to. Â Looking back on my life, the parts that I think of as happiness are brief moments of relief from this always-present guilt that seems to hover over my head. Â When it briefly lifts once in awhile, that’s happiness to me. Â It makes me feel lonely too, and I wonder if others ever suffer from the same thing.
I wondered if I’ve been hating myself. Â It’s true that I don’t like myself, but “hate?” Â That seemed a little too harsh. Â Now […]
(might be triggering)
i’d say it began in 6th grade; they made me weak by pointing out my flaws. i had thought, why would anybody want me if i look like this? i began giving away my food because i didn’t want to be fat, i never smiled because i didn’t like my teeth, i didn’t talk much because i didn’t like what i often said. they persuaded me to hate myself.
so when he would pay attention to me, in 7th grade, i felt happy. too happy. he was the first to see my scars. he told me he cared. but he only wanted one thing..
it wasn’t […]
Hello my name is Arianna I am 15 years old. I have no reason to live. i hate this I hate all of this. I hate the human beings in this world who make it their job to judge and bully. I hate the models out there that are the pure essence of beauty when they are all bones and skin. I hate the stupid corrupted police system that turns a blind eye to a child being sexually abused because it’ll make their job easier to sit on their lazy asses!
So here I sit in hate with blood dripping from my wrists writing to […]
I feel helpless.
Unmotivated. Unloved. Pathetic.
It’s not because of my pessimistic mindset but it’s what everyone thinks I am. They’re right. I am worthless. I feel like I’m hanging off the edge and no one is there to save me. My parents would never understand why I’m unhappy. They would say how blessed I am to live under a roof and have food.
Maybe I’m ungrateful, too. But it’s not my fault that I feel this way. Depression has taken over my life and I think I can handle it on my own with a blade and self-loathing. I’m a coward as well. Instead of discussing my […]
I have always seen life as a quest. It works like a game plan. Every level gets tougher and the monsters and hurdles get more and more dangerous and difficult to cross. I don’t regret having my life but all I wish is to have someone who I can share it with. I did fall in love and then ended up with a crushed heart when the relationship ended. Occupying yourself definitely helps but the loneliness remains. I have plenty of friends but I miss the existence of the special one. Work can substitute thoughts but not feelings. I don’t know what I feel about […]
When my parents learn that I basically gave up on college, I will have let down every single person that has cared for me. Self loathing is about to hit an all time high. I even started cutting again after a year of not doing it, and make deeper, more deliberate cuts (maybe I’m a *****). I enjoy the pain, and seeing my own blood. If it wasn’t so hard to actually commit suicide that way, I might be incline to do it.
Gave up on my classes 2/3 of the way through the semester and I had A’s in all of them. I fucking hate […]
Strangest thing…. today when I was brushing my teeth it just sunk in. This thought…. I said it aloud then. I DESERVE BETTER! Then I said it again and again. I think I finally believe it. The thing with me is that, sometimes my feel good revelations are short lived. Until someone knocks my pack of cards by a light flick. I can’t say this too will stick. But get it!
Yesterday I googled a camp song I once heard… No body loves me, everybody hates me, I think I’ll go eat worms…. and so on… It made me laugh, because I was indulging in self-pity. […]
I am finding myself obsessed with obtaining reassurance from other people that I am worth it, and that I am worth more alive than dead. Â I can’t seem to function on my own. I always look to another person for my own confidence… usually a friend, or someone I newly met. Of course the ironic thing is that I can’t gain confidence from other people, and I know that already. Also terrible, is that I usually latch onto someone else when I am at my weakest. What generally happens is that they panic and back away because I latch on too tightly. I don’t know […]
I am a 40 year old married father of 2 piece of shit. I have been trying to kill myself since the age of 8 and never finished the job because I am afraid. I am diagnosed w/ bi-polar disorder/PTSD/ADHD. I am unemployed and draining the life out of my family. I have no purpose on this earth, no talent and no drive. I am on 6 medications and my wife has been stealing my anti-anxiety, ADHD and sleeping meds. When I confront her she just denies everything and says I’m crazy. I may be emotionally disabled, but I am not retarded, so […]
2. Year college student. Finished my first year with straight A’s. Got completely burntout.
This triggered a major depression. Have had issues since i was 12- 13. Anxiety disorders, OCD, depression, suicidal thoughts. Also suffering from existential angst. Also inferiority complex and self-loathing
Also have some love-related issues
I seem to be way too exhausted to get good grades this term. The semester just started sso i have the opportunity to take take a half-year leave to recover. In the future however i would just take that as a token of how a massive failure i am. Also i feel that everyone would despise me over something […]
I’m really not seeing a reason to continue fighting my debilitating depression and anxiety. I have never had a reprieve in my 28 years, despite various medications, spiritual journeys, and self-help literature.
I have always held myself to a very high standard and have been relentless with trying to reach success from a very early age. I survived an abusive childhood with an alcoholic father. Â I thought that getting married, getting a Masters degree, and starting my career would bring me the happiness I so desperately want and the outside validation to prove that I am a good person.
I loved my husband with all of my […]
I really could just finish this now. All the bullshit from others, self loathing, anxiety and depression could be gone with just one slit. The knife is in my hand, no one is here to stop me, and even if they were, I doubt they would with how they feel about me now. I really want to do it and get it over with, but I just can’t seem to do it. God knows why, I mean it’s for the best, so why can’t I? Maybe somewhere inside I think it will get better, or maybe I am scared of failing that just like everything […]