Everything builds character they say, every little gripe and suffocation of my personal image will just mean something more in the end. I will transcend and be greater for it. What I wouldn’t trade a bit of “character” for something resembling happiness. I am 27 and still unsure of what I am here to do every little path that i stray across simply ends with me holding the bags and the jackals growing all he louder. I know that since most humans are wrapped in their own egos, which is not a condemnation of such because it is a natural thing and should be embraced, that they see suicide as something that more or less pertains to them. So when […]
“such voluntary death must give us peace”- Ryunosuke Akutagawa
“Now even if I die, no one will be so grieved as to do himself bodily harm. No […] I know just how much sadness my death will cause you. Undoubtedly you will weep when you learn the news–apart, of course, from such ornamental sentimentality as you may indulge in–but if you will please try to think of my joy at being liberated completely from the suffering of living and this hateful life itself, I believe that your sorrow will gradually dissolve.â€- […]
I grew up in the church. Hell, I should say I was the church. At many of the churches I attended, my five older siblings, my parents, the pastor, and I made up the whole congregation. But that didn’t matter. Because the God I knew and loved was there. He was in my church, he was in my thoughts, he was in my life… but somewhere along the lines, one of us left. Now, it’d be easy to point fingers and say that I left. After all, I’m the human being shaped in iniquity, and He’s the all-knowing God. But me? Why would I leave? […]
I feel like I’m in a tug of war between life and death. I’ve given up and now I’m just watching the days go by. What am I waiting for? because I don’t want to live. I want to wake up with a smile on my face, get ready in a good mood, breathe easy and walk happily to my death.. I don’t want to feel fear or guilt or sorrow.
When I think of the countless number of people who have taken their lives since the beginning of man and the men and women who take their lives every year – it makes me […]
Lock the key to my heart. Never again will I let my pain start. Its now just healing, no sorrow to show, that love can hurt. But I will grow into the women that I know. Sometimes love will let you go…Hold your breath, forget,forgive. And it will show he’ll miss you dearly when you go. Be the person your happy to be. Until death takes part, when you’ll be let free. Freedom does last, it does show. Everyone has their opinions, so just let it go. Tomorrow is another chance to show to just have fun being me, until ill let go. Sometimes I […]
i dream of walking to it
my home
to count the crooked bricks
fall onto the too long grass
smell the juniper
go through the white door
with the lion knocker
walk through the rooms
the familiar spaces
and patterns on the floor
remember all the voices
all the sorrow
all the joy
through to the back yard
over old redwood planks
lawn surrounded by fruit trees
orange blossoms
to lay under the great mulberry
to gaze up into its branches
and broad green leaves
watch the light dance
and the sky dance
then peacefully
close my eyes
I guess I just don’t know what I want from people anymore. It’s like I’m screaming for someone to take two seconds to notice that I’m dying. It’s like I’ve fallen down in the middle of a stampede, and everyone just keeps trampling me. They don’t notice that they’re about to lose me. Would they care? Would they even notice if I was gone? My own boyfriend is so obsessed with that damn piano that he doesn’t have time for me. I understand, because I’m a music major too, but I’d drop my guitar for him anytime. He knows that I’ve struggled in the past […]
We are gathered here today, brought together by sadness and a young girl’s demise
A conclusion reached because of the boy with the lies
Her told her things each day, no one should have to hear
So often in fact, she lived in constant fear
She no longer looked forward, always looking back
Building up her defenses for the boy’s next attack
Day in and day out she heard the boy with the lies
Make fun of everything- from her feet to her eyes
Even the way that she walked was absurd
She remembered every mean thing she heard
Even when she was alone, […]
I just can do this any longer.Had enough of everything.Can somebody kill me?Because if i try to do that on my own ,i will fail again,because thats what i am.FAILURE.
The curse
placed long ago upon my head
To bear the weight of the world
On a rope tied round my neck
To always look back at what has happened and live it again today
To have no hope for tomorrow
to feel nothing but sorrow
to hate every aspect of my day.
To see my scars and fight the powers that drive me to make more
To find the bottle and decide not to drink every last drop it stores
To hear the words that others say and push them all away, lest they end up on my arm.
To split my mind and want to live yet long to die
To do so wrong yet […]
Today I was seconds away from ending my life. What changed my mind I still do not know.
After 10 years of SEVERE deppresion I am tired, I am tired of it all. I am exhausted.
I tried fighting back for year after year. Medications and therapy(many different therapists) for 10 years and I have not moved a single step forward. Not one step..
2 years ago I gave up. After 8 years of trying I was tired of fighting and in the end i realised I am never going to feel joy again. Â I gave up hope.
I have always had suicidal thoughts for as long as I […]
So, I went for a hike today after work and found this spot, its so beautiful. I think that had I had the freedom I would have jumped. But there is still some busness for me to finsih before I am able. There is some family debt I want to clear, some things I need to make sure are to the proper owners and I need to file my tax’s so that my family can have the funds. 🙂 But all in all my plan is going great so much.
One month
Two days
Then the pain is over.
How could it be
This land of make believe
I’m here but, not all the way. I feel as if I am dying alive. Thye world is picking at my wounds. My cuts are being doused with ALCOHOL! I no longer feel as if, I am a human. I am hurting inside more than words will allow me to explain. I mutiliated my body again, I slash for each person who has hurt me. I Cant deal with this horrible pain. Shattered glass stabs me from within, I bleed an invisible blood. I drip sorrow from my eyes. Where has all of this anger come from, why are my dreams terrorizing my reality? Why […]
You know how it is
When you feel like there’s no one that cares about you
When your heart turns cold from betrayal
When your skin burns the morning after cutting
When your mind is so tired from many sleepless nights
When you realize that all you breathe is hate and all you know is sorrow
When you see that quitting is your only way out
I still hate myself, and i’m still struggling to make it through the day without crying.
At night, I still find myself wanting to die.
But what good would that do? I want my life to get better– not destroyed. Â But in order for my life to get better, I need to make a move. I need to get out more- see the world, and try to see the good in it. Living my life hiding away from everyone won’t do anything good, I need to change that- I can’t hide forever. I need to meet new people. The thing is, how am I supposed to […]
Hi… I really need to get something off my chest, so I’m posting it here and I hope no one will mind. This is going to be kind of a long ramble. So, I’m 21 years old. I have no friends, and I have never had friends. My mother is overbearing, my father a drunk. I’m awkward around people, which is probably because I’ve only spoken to a few people in my entire life. (I’m on the extreme end of the social anxiety spectrum and I’ve always found it difficult to talk to people I don’t know.) People give me strange looks whenever I walk […]
i can feel myself gaining weight
i can feel the escalating urges to self mutilate
i can feel the loss of sanity
of minor happiness
i feel the pain that shouldn’t exist
i’m weak
too weak to kill myself
but too weak to give no fucks and live
this aching is tearing at my wounds
these thoughts drowning me
i’m suffocating by the sorrow that surrounds me
alone i’m feeling all of this
yet, alone, i feel nothing
… because i’m worthless.
Guitar on my lap,
sorrow in my rhymes,
try to write it out,
the sadness on my mind,
The ink won’t leave my pen,
it’s bottled up inside,
like the sadness in my heart
and the death that’s on my mind
Everyone thinks i’m fine
but really, deep down inside
contemplating suicide
to put an end to these sad times,
with a slash to my wrist,
my blood would soon run dry,
just a stain on the sheets,
and a tear in my eye.
I’m sick of all the looks and the secrets and the disapproval , I want a friend who knows me and can accept me, but no, there’s only stupid judgemental people, he’s fat he must eat like a pig, he corrected me he must think he’s fucking better than me.
I can’t do anything right, I try to help my brother and sister patch things up, end up getting him estranged entirely, I wish I was older so I could just leave and start again. Not that I could actually do that, I’d lose my anchors and then I’d end it.
Which may not be […]
When everyone’s gone. When all is said and done. And you’re sitting all alone. Sorry in your pity, miserable in sorrow. You find you’re at a loss with no one to talk to but your disenchanted shadow. A has been of your former self. You’ve burnt the.bridge, wrecked the road, and torched the path. Signed yourself to hell. Damnation in consequence of all you never were. Take myself away from here. Hoping to be happier. Some day soon i’ll find myself. The question is will i get to live or die? Im guessing only time will tell.