for once i felt finally okay
i felt good
i felt like i was going to recover soon
but then it came crashing down
this wave of depression
it hit me and it hurt me
everything started coming back again
the nightmares, the voices, everything
the urge to cut is greater now
ive found out more ways to hurt myself
it doesnt do any good though
but i do like and i dont know why
i started eating full meals
a few days ago
but now that has changed
i can feel my family stare
as i go to get food
judging me
watching me
Tag:
stop
I am where you are right now and have tried too end it and probably won’t stop trying but just remember that there are others like you. You are not alone, I’m not going too tell you that you are going too get better and that life will be fine. It never gets better and probably never will. Just remember that you are not alone and maybe just maybe you can do what I can’t and take solace in the fact that you are just a single person but you have an army of people just like you behind you.
I’ve just realized I have a pretty big spending problem. It’s like I’m living pay check to pay check. I’m not sure why I’m doing it though.
Probably just buying some comfort for an hour that ends up making me feel like shit after.
I’ve been doing it quite often it seems. What is happening to me? Some sort of impulse behaviour to calm me? Trying to hold onto hope? Something more primal?
I don’t know. But I gotta stop. Bills need to be paid. Though maybe it’s been a hindrance to getting better? Or preventative measures to avoid getting worse.
I am most sure that today in the music scene talent and practice will get you nowhere, nor will it get you noticed by record labels or the fans the labels control.
Music has turned into a fashion show that has nothing to do with music.
I have come to the conclusion that my 16 years of classical training and practicing many different instruments has all been for nothing since I refuse to cover my body in tattoos, play hot topic dress up and crop my hair off at a weird angle. I am most sure if I did those three […]
I have many names.
Shadowknite to you,
Earthknite to others,
No One, Nobody, Nothing to those say I will remember or stop them.
I am known as Jacob. That is my name. I am No One, and I will remember you.
So these dreams that I have they are all from that voice I hear and shadow I see. All these dreams of gruesome murders I hate it. They don’t stop first it was Adam even though he passed that thing uses him against me in my dreams. Then my dad he passed away so much blood and gunshots that from that day I hated loud noises. In my dreams he makes me remember everything that happened that day. Then my cousins brother I forgot how he looked but I remember he committed suicide by hanging himself. So in the dreams he has a blank face […]
I have so much fucking homework and why is that? Because I procrastinate, I just don’t feel motivated at all to do my homework, I prefer to sleep or just do nothing. How stupid of me?? I should use my time better. when the due dates get close, I even hesitate to do it, I wait until the last very minute. and even then I have no motivation whatsoever.
I should be doing my homework right now, but I still got some time.
since I found this site I feel a little better because now I know for sure Im not the only one […]
They tell me to ‘stay strong’ and they tell me that things get better but do they really? I’ve been told this saying for 4 years now and nothing has gotten any better for me. In those 4 years my dad left over summer and while he was gone he cheated on my mom. He’s back now. Shorty after my mom got rid of my two dogs that I loved so much because she said that I “didn’t care about them” well I did. I cried for days thinking about them. Then about a year after that bullying got bad for me, it was the worst year of my […]
So i get blamed for everything when it comes around my friends. They fight they put me in the middle they stop talking “omg its all your fault you shouldnt even got in it the first place” um excuse you ***** youre the one putting me in the middle of this shit so how about you fuck off you fucking ****. Relationship ends they tell me to help them cause they dont what to do i tell them straight up facts of why it didnt work “omg youre not even helping dont even try anymore okay even if i listen itll end and its going […]
Broken
You say you’re broken,
Unloved and unwanted.
You can’t be fixed,
And you are haunted.
What people say,
That is what cuts.
The words throw you off,
And you get stuck in the ruts.
Many say “I care”,
But few are sincere.
When you are broken,
U notice no one is here.
You wish yourself away,
Ready to give it a try.
U think u can’t stay,
That you need to die.
I reach out to you,
Saying sweet things,
I want to fix you,
I say that it stings.
I cut for others,
To get them to stop.
I am still clean,
Three years at top.
When I see someone unhappy,
It gives my heart great pain.
I want them to be happy,
And to smile again.
I will not stop,
I am […]
So once i had went to a aslyum for my cuts. I had met so many people had i saw past they cuts and burns they were beautiful with words and drawings and anything. But there was on that stood out the most. It was the first time ive ever seen someone with a huge deep slash on their throat. That person was always alone looking out the window like if he was waiting or just thinking. So i thought well let me see if i can talk to him. Everyone said he never talked so i thought well this is going to be difficult […]
Is it selfish to want the agony of what you feel everyday too stop
Is it selfish too want peace and rest in a world that has greedily taken everything you have ever wanted
We are not selfish we don’t want to leave our loved ones, but every day I see no end too the pain,the suffering,the hopelessness.
We are not selfish, we are the victims of the cancer people call life. And as the days go by I die both physically and emotionally. Until one day I know I will break.
I don’t know why but everyday I go to school I get butterflies in my stomach.Its really starting to annoy me , does anyone know show to stop them.
My dad and I had an argument last night… He might split me and my girlfriend… He said he’s gonna find me counselling for my suicide… If I lose her, I’m gonna need more than counselling and to stop me.
I just can’t do this. I keep trying and trying to just BEAR IT but I can’t.
I can’t bear it. Is this really what’s going to finish me off? THIS is going to be the reason my life ends? Over someone who doesn’t love me? That is one of the stupidest, most childish and facile things I have ever heard and yet it’s my life, it’s happening to me, I never thought in all these years struggling to stay alive with my disorder, praying sometimes I’d wake up in the morning, the loneliness, the money, jobs and time (so much time) all lost, the defeats […]
I hate the nights when you lay in bed for hours and hours because your mind just won’t stop for just one second and give you a break from everything.Like tonight I’ve been laying in bed for hours just overthinking about everything and anything.Why can’t I just go to sleep.
I can’t stop thinking about her.
Somebody told me today to write three paragraphs about something that would make me want to stick around.
So here it is. Â And it might come as a surprise:
To stop being selfless. It’s the only thing that has even slight potential to want to make me live. I realized that I’ve always done things for others. I was always there for everybody else. I always worked to please others. I made sure to take anybodies problems on to my own shoulders when I could.
Then the thing I realized that’s killing me is . . . guilt. When I can’t make things go right for anybody I […]
“There’s so much I could be doing.
So much that I want to do—even if I don’t know what it is that I want to produce.
But I can’t go faster than I’m already going and I’d rather die than stop but… where else is there to go?
I’m so… so scared of lying still and yet too mortified to switch gears.
Now all I do is linger.
In bed.
At the dinner table.
In the shower.
Everything happens but me.
And if it keeps up, I’m going to die this way… having gone in every direction
—but not having reached a single finishing line.”
It’s obvious to me. I’m throwing myself into a hole, each time getting a little deeper. Farther and farther down where I know you’ll never find me. I wanna take the pills to stop it all. I want to drink the whiskey you bought me. I can’t keep going on like this, knowing that some day you might leave me. Why did this happen? Why did I give everything up?
Why can’t the words seem to flow from my fingertips.
I honestly don’t know what to do…