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Tag:
thought
I don’t know what to do. I want to so bad, I want to just quit, but they called me selfish, they called me an attention-seeker and that’s just made it worse. I’m done. I’m giving up, giving in. I don’t care anymore. Why should I care what they say if I’m just going to die anyway? I’ve thought about it for three days now so don’t fucking tell me I can’t.
I love it- the way it sweeps over my skin in sheets and washes away what was before. I love the way it coldness bites into my skin and makes me forget everything for a little while. I love the way it smells- the wet earth and trees; it smells like what life should smell like.
On the other hand, I hate it- all I want to do it cut myself away into nothing…
Who knew water falling from the sky would be so thought provoking lol
Sorry if this makes any of you sad, lovelies. I just had to get it off my chest 🙁 I hope […]
You like Iris by the GooGooDolls, A Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope, who like because he’s just so genuine, you like You’re Beautiful by James Blunt because it’s just a classic, and for anybody to not have heard it is a tragedy. You love to sail, but don’t think it’s a sport, same thing with golf except you don’t play golf. You quite pop a while ack, but when you did drink it you liked Mountain Dew the best. You sand that Italian song for choir last year because when it’s translated it means so much to you. You used to watch Supernatural […]
I’m thinking about going back to therapy/counselling, as a way of trying to resolve my suicidal thoughts.
It’s not so much that I want to change, more that I want to clarify what I’m living for, and if that’s really a good choice.
I keep telling myself that suicide would be a terrible thing to do to my parents, and that my life’s not really that bad, but all it takes is a few days at work to make me miserable, and I start feeling like I can’t go on anymore. It’s become a weekly cycle.
I guess I’m looking to resolve those conflicting feelings – either to […]
Today, for some reason, I could not stop thinking of her. I thought about her throughout the day as always, but when I got home, I napped and dreamed about her. After my nap the thought only got stronger. All I know is, I am never going to have her again the way we used to be… I’ll never forget when she told me, “…things aren’t going to be the way they used to be…” As much as I knew that was true, I didn’t want it to be. I wanted things to be the way they used to be but I ruined it. I […]
Follow up from my last post where I admitted to my sister I needed mental help. Usually admitting you need help is a great first step to getting better. I guess that all really depends on who you admit it to, though, and I made a huge mistake in my choice apparently.
There is, and always has been two worlds, and in the centuries man has existed, very few have had the fortitude to walk them both. This is the story of one such traveler.
The boy was alone in his room, the lights off, and his shades drawn. He loved the intoxicating darkness. He knew that to be here was to be ready to go to the other place. This other place is only two steps away when he’s in this room. He took the first step.
The Outside was dark, but he knew it would be. He preferred the darkness; it left him feeling cold. There […]
She stands there, a broken heart. A lone soul stranded in a sea of emotion. Goddamn if she isn’t beautiful in it though. Her hair moves gracefully with the wind coming in off the lake. Normally she would have tied it behind her, but today such formalities seemed unnecessary. Her eyes seem as if they are on the verge of tears, but she is still beautiful. She is almost more beautiful for all the pain she is in. Her skin has tanned from hours in the sun, and her muscles have become toned from the hours she has spent sailing and maintaining her boat. The […]
I thought I was done with this site. Here i am though and its truly been a while. I don’t know what to do. I tried to kill myself when i was at home with my parents i thought that i would move back with my gf and shit would get better. That i could finally be happy and have a family of my own filled with the love i always wanted but since i got here its been nothing but abuse and disrespect. There’s no love anymore and that sucks but i need to stop being stupid and face death like who wants to […]
Mistakes. Lots of them. Year after year, I’ve made progressively shittier choices. I’ve spent the majority of my life acting and thinking in really dumb ways. I allowed myself to become fixated on what was beyond my reach, rather than appreciating the actual possibilities right in front of me. I was so consumed by what I wasn’t that I wasted what I could have been.
Of course, there were reasons for all of it. I didn’t understand then what I know now. If circumstances had been even slightly different, it all might have turned out another way. I might have lived a worthwhile life.
The choices, the […]
It’s been a long time since I was last here. About a year and half, to be exact. I thought I was really getting better but in the last few months, everything seems to be spiraling down again. I’ve read that it’s therapeutic to write about it, so hopefully this will help me.
In July, my boyfriend of seven months, Alex, broke up with me. He was everything I had wanted in a person and I woke up everyday with an overwhelming amount of happiness that I thought the years of suicidal thoughts and depression were finally leaving my mind.
If only I knew how wrong I […]
Maybe.. maybe Im not as alone as i thought.. shit..
Have u ever looked around and seen people laughing, smiling, talking…. An ever thought why? Now, it’s an everyday occurrence for me. Why are they laughing. What could possibly be so funny that they laugh without a care in the world. Why motivates them to maintain that tiring position of a gin on your face. For me, I wear a mask. I don’t even know why I do. I smirk when I’m suppose to, don’t talk out of place, and listen quietly. Now I’m in my bathroom, tearing up, questioning my will to live and move on. Why are we even here. Why do we have to […]
So i have or i guess had a best friend who i considered like a sister but i feel like she didn’t feel the same. We have been best friends for three years. I think that the worst part about losing your friend is not losing them but feeling like you are losing them. I feel less important when she talks to other people. I know that i can be easily replaced. She is sooooo pretty and smart. I just already hate myself and i thought since we were in similar sitiation we would have EACH other back. But i guess not. I can not […]
Hello loves. Here i am, doing my math homework, listening to some classical cello/piano combo, and I had a thought. I don’t know how many of you suffer from a Bipolar Disorder… but sometimes it gets so damn hard. One minute, you are a crazy party girl, the next minute, a raving *****, the next minute, a girl full of light and love, and the next minute, someone who is only a reach away from picking up a gun and blowing her brains out. When I change moods, it is so hard to find who I truly am… I don’t even know who that is […]
i was so depressed and stressed that i made myself sick. i was in and out of the doctor for 4 years. i was throwing up almost everyday for 4 years. i had an ulcer. i had headaches all day and night. i was so depressed that i became sick. it is a sickness but i did not realize my depression was the reason for my illnesses. i thought i was dying, i thought something was really wrong with me when in reality it was just my mind. it was me making myself sick and in a way i new it. i figured if i […]
I’d managed to stop relapsing several times, especially after my university counsellor informed my parents of my so called ‘suicidal thoughts’. But that horrible feeling of spiralling down into an endless black hole returned, and I just really don’t know who to go to anymore. I suppose I’ll continue dealing with these shitty feelings. I just really want to know if this is depression or bipolar disorder, or am I just having a bad day. I’ve been having these ‘episodes’ for close to 7 years now, and I’d always thought that everyone felt this way. Now that I realise that it’s not, I just want […]
I almost did it…. I tied a rope around the door and put my head through the loop…. As I stood there, standing on a stool, all I kept thinking about was my 4 month old son…. I started so feel so fucking guilty… If I do this… Will he have a fucked up life? Will his father give him up, neglect him… Would he think that this was his fault and that I didn’t love him…. I just can’t. I climbed down off the stool and thought to myself.. What the fuck r u doing. Ur such a weak *****!
I’m flirting with death since a long time now, but I really can’t find the courage to do it. I have made an attempt a few years ago. It made me lay three months in the hospital with major injuries. At least when I was at the hospital I had the feeling that my family cared about me. Now I’m spending every day on my own and I can’t stand it anymore. I lost my left eye when I was a baby and it keeps haunting me. I’m 21 now and the thought that people get like 80-100 years old really creeps me […]