I’m angry. I’m angry and being anxious by being trapped. Angry at my traumatic meaninglessness of a life. I’m not truly suicidal or ugly just anxious. I have emotional trigger points. I have mental blocks I’m so furious at them furious at my helplessness that i channel it inwards and call it depression. I have ideas and i told someone if I’m just mediocre at half of them I’ll be a millionaire. I believe that. I just want to get the fuck out of my own way. Ive lived in pain, helplessness, and hopelessness far to fucking long. Tired of having so many exposed buttons. […]
So, how is everyone today…?
Hi everyone it’s been a while. I’m aware about the rules on posting music and I’m sorry. It’s just I feel most people here might catch the vibe that I catch just like this song and the words “how did I get here”
Those listening I ask myself this all the time “how did I get here”. I was listening to this today staring out my window of the cold sunset just thinking The feelings of this song is strong hope this music does good for you all like myself.
8am- scheduled wake up
10am- actually woke up
10:02am – ah fuck late again
10:05am begin caffeine/nicotine regiment
(Blank area)
12pm- work starts to go to hell
12:30pm- spouse is in melt down
(This continues as a back and forth on which gets attention, which sucks the life out me more)
2:30pm- spouse declares I’m the problem, relationship is over (not hopeful, never is)
3:15pm- work days fucked, with 10 hours to go, isolation is creeping in, the sun is too shining, happy people piss me off with their happiness.
4pm- me: here’s the issue
Boss: no that issue […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Some song lyrics I wrote awhile back, without music I guess it’s a poem. Only sharing because I think some of you will enjoy it.
Part 1:
My shadows gone, today.
My own reflection, just looks away.
I’ve lost something, somewhere,
Down the road.
But it’s hard to remember,
what you didn’t know. . .
Part 2:
Sitting beside myself,
We didn’t recognize us.
So we parted ways,
Left myself in the dust.
Searching for answers,
No questions at hand.
Been looking so long ,
Forgot where I am
Part 3:
So I pour out a shot,
But I drink from the bottle.
And I figured it out ,
Somewhere near the bottom.
But when I woke up,
I’d forgot it all again…
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It’s 80 degrees today . I love spring . It came early this year . And trees are blooming .
Flowers and life make me happy. It makes me feel alive .
I love to walk on the grass barefoot . I feel connected to Mother Nature.
And I love sitting by the water.
Today is good . I think winter made me
Sad .
I also have been playing around with essential oils and spraying them. Aromatherapy is real. I feel like I’m in a better mood .
Today is just beautiful. I wanted to share that with you all .
I’m about to go hangout with friends and […]
Nothing big. But I thought it was kind of nice and serene, and wanted to share it. Maybe somebody will get something positive out of it.
Edit: Realized that is was very small. So here it is zoomed it, if that helps.
I saw someone I know today that I hadn’t seen for a few years and they are and have been going through a much worse time than me.
They asked me how I had been and I lied and said ok because I felt guilty for feeling bad when their pain is so much greater than mine.
So now I feel sad for them, sad for my pathetic self that cannot handle things and angry that life is so cruel to so many people.
the last time i posted here my mom had just passed away. that was november 18. january 13 my dad died. to say i am overwhelmed would be an understatement. the monumental task of dealing with one unexpected death becomes herculean with two. at age 45 i am essentially an orphan. and i feel so alone. the busyness of making funeral arrangements, visitation, funeral etc etc gives way to the utter loneliness and despair of everyday life. everyone goes back to their lives. everyone just tries to go on like nothing ever happened. they forget. i wish i could. i got sent home from work […]
Happy February everyone… Today it is 70 degrees. My favorite temp. Not too cold, not too hot. Just perfect. I feel alive today. I stepped outside and felt the nice cool breeze on my skin. Spring is going to come early this year here in Virginia beach. It’s been a warm winter. I’m gonna go to the beach today or go to our state park and walk on the trails.
For some reason, days like this make me happy that i haven’t given up yet on life. It’s so peaceful out and pretty. I wish every day was like this.
I hope all of your days […]
Amber afternoon
Too cold to cross the room
Angels patrol our roof
Black eyes and cigarettes
Blue smoke and tenderness
Never leave the bed
You wait for me and I will pick you up right here (x3)
Old souls (x3)
So I decided this time I was going to talk to my family about my being down the hill. I can’t remember why, it sounds selfish, but then no one may say I didn’t try it all…
My family is a mess. I grew up watching my mother crying in desperation almost every day because of her feeling lonely and impotent and not knowing how she was going to make it with so many kids (4). But we weren’t supposed to acknowledge knowing she was crying. I don’t remember what I though about it, but I remember it felt really bad. I remember that by then […]
man, its been awhile. how is everyone today/night?? Its perfect weather out here: cloudy and raining.
In my dental assisting class my teacher is the worst person I have met .
When I get a answer wrong she tells me to hang my self . I have gotten so angry and have gotten a attitude with her . She’s dropped my grade so much .
What she says to me is so unprofessional . I want to be like you know my mom killed her self with a bottle of pills ? And do you know I’m suicidal ?
Allvthe girls in the class are mean to me too. They say things like how I look like a heroin addict .
That class just pisses […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
Lately I’ve been having medical issues. Serious, taxing, stressful medical issues. Issues that my mom, who works with a doctor, could clear up. She could tell me what the hell is going on but she chooses not to. I see a specialist tomorrow. Ever since I got my bloodwork results back, I’ve been stressed and anxious. Well, moreso than usual. These two things make it harder for me to focus, making my already difficult high school courses even harder. This quarter we talked about suicide in Health, and that’s the first time I’ve ever shown a serious emotion in school. I had a breakdown. I […]
For one, my 2nd job is turning into my main job. My boss there is moving to LA and it’s going to be member-run. If we want full time pay, it’s up to us to get the donations to make it happen and sustain paid staff. In a sense, I got what I wanted. I thought I wanted to start businesses and nonprofits many times, but now I’ve inherited a nonprofit. I still worry about being homeless in April when the people I rent from move.
I was put on to doing some kind of presentation for the Buddhist center and it turned out to be […]