I’m gay, this is the first time I’ve said it to others. I’m to scared of living with myself if I come out because of the people around me, but I feel like I’m dying on the inside. I have people I care about and people I love, but I don’t want to put them in this situation of having to deal with my gay ass. I have a gay friend I like but she’s the definition of a hoe, but she has her moments. Then I have a straight friend that just leaves me breathless every time she speaks. I want to just be […]
Tag:
told
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I’ve been living with my Fiancee for over two years now. Well, I guess I should say ex-Fiancee, even though it kills me to. We had a lot of problems, I won’t lie. In a way, our entire relationship has been building up to its own end.
In the beginning and for at least a year she had a serious jealousy issue. She cut me off from my friends and family and constantly accused me of not really wanting to be with her. She left me countless times just to turn around and take it back. I always let her.
When she eventually started getting better, for […]
My stepfather raped me when i was 9 and kept doing it until i was 11. he said if i ever told anyone any of this he’d kill me, my mother and brothers. Mom was never home, she was always working and didn’t even care about us. Why did i give a crap what happened to her or even my brothers? i don’t know. Mom has never loved me, shes told me before I’m the worst mistake she could ever make and i believe i am. When she found out what was going on she blamed it on me and said i was “trying to […]
I went to visit someone that has been helping my mom. My mother respects this woman very much, because she sais she had been feeling a lot better ever since she’s been talking with her. So I made an appointment and I told this woman about my situation, she said a few things that sounded reasonable but at some point, while I was talking, she stoped me and told me I have been a cheap w*hor*e all this time, she said that it is what I am, that even if I was doing it without concious, all the same that was what I am behaving […]
Lately I’ve been terrified. I don’t want to go downstairs, I don’t want to see anyone. And I most definitely don’t want to leave the house.
I missed college, again. That wasn’t entirely due to the fact that everyone is trying to kill me outside. No. Saturday morning I was forced to restart my medication because my moods have been ridiculous. An hour after taking it I had awful pains in my stomach and I was throwing up, and another hour later shooting pains were going through my chest.
Within a few hours I was burning up and I was hurting everywhere. My temperature was high enough […]
I saw my friend again for the first time in forever (like 2 months!) which is the longest it’s gone without seeing him. And he says the same old thing, that it’s not all about looks to him but it clearly is, because no one is up to the very high standards he sets for girls. If she couldn’t be a supermodel or a hot stripper or porn star, or is too many additional 1lb increments over the 100 lb limit, then there’s not a chance in hell they could get with him. And that’s how he is whether he will admit it or not.
So anyway, he […]
So I am the laziest person ever. I have been trying to convince my self of sitting down and write my tesis or to even read some articles as a basis. I don’t want to do it. I can’t do it. I hate having to do it. I really hate it.
I skip work today too. And even fail to do my part in a group I was trying to organize. The people are nice there, but they are getting tired of me. I just don’t want to do anything.
Last Monday I went to the doctor to ask for a remission for psychiatry (it’s necessary to […]
I am tired of saying what i hate
But even the tears don’t seem to release the bottled up emotions….lately i told myself its better not to feel anything then to feel everything.
I honestly hate my life and i always have..
But i love someone with all i have.
He tells me he loves me and im the best thing that ever happened to him…but idk
I hate myself so how can he love me?
I never had anyone love me before…not like him..
Someone who doesnt want sex..or money..or something…
And im so confused.
I wanna die..but i wanna live for him
Proof that I’m the ugliest person alive comes from the other side too. I have nothing against this guy at all, so it’s not that. Another transguy I know got featured in a popular news source for being a hot transguy and he’s about as big as I am. How is it that other big people can be good looking but I’m always told how ugly I am?? What is really so wrong with me????
I can’t deal with it if I think of it any more than that. I’m sick of being the ugliest person on earth. I’ve taken .5 and .4 of my testosterone […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It won’t leave my head. Maybe writing it on here will give me a bit of a rest.
Before my neighbours eventually managed to finally kill my brother, they had been trying for a few year.
In 2013, after yet another harassment from them when I was coming back from school, my mother told my brother about it. Of course, it pissed him off. He decided to confront them and ask them exactly what they wanted from me.
I was not home that day. When I got back, things were upside down, and there was so much blood. My parents were not at home. They had taken my […]
All I could think about all day was how when I get my paycheck im gonna get some drugs and OD. Then, my grandma was so caring and attentive to me because Im sick. She made me tea, chicken soup, and told me to let her know if I needed anything else. Then, my uncle picked up a couple brews and came to shoot the shit for awhile and it was fun. How could I do that to such an awesome family? Just the burden of my funeral alone, let alone the emotional toll on them. Then, I think of my little brother and sister, […]
This last week I was trying to be positive and for a few days I even convinced myself I was geting somewhere, forcing things, denying I was going through the wrong way. But I can’t help hurting myself. I always end up doing it. I turn everything against me and then I crush myself with every drop of energy I have. I can’t deal with me, with the things I say, and the decisions I take. I even hurt myself writing here things I shouldn’t. and talking to people about how ridiculous I am, and I say it as a matter of a fact and […]
I’m deciding whether to kill myself. I have struggled with depression for a long time. I have seen many therapists, and nothing helps. I couldn’t even get an appointment with a psychiatrist. I had to call for months and I finally got an appointment in another week. I don’t know if I will still be around then.
I talked to the mental health department and told them I was considering killing myself. They said good luck.
The thing is there is nothing really wrong with my life. I don’t have any real hardships besides depression, anxiety, and being fat. My meaning is I don’t have a reason […]
It’s so hard on me. It really is. I don’t even know how to feel. It’s like everything is a lie.
The guy I mentioned on my last post has been the cause of my problems. It’s all because I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
Monday night I was feeling so down about my mom and him and just everything (Tuesday was my mom’s death anniversary) and so I texted him. I said “My mom died 7 years ago. You would understand right?”
His reply?
His exact words were “Ugh I’m sorry I’m not trying to be mean but can you please stop texting me”.
The only […]
I could only last 2 hours in college today. We were using sharp tools and it triggered the Angels – I hadn’t heard them all day up until then. They haven’t shut up since. My mum yelled because she had to pick me up early. I didn’t tell her why, she doesn’t understand. Whenever I use them as an ‘excuse’ – as she puts it – she gets angry and says it’s stupid.
She’s lying. She knows about them, she works with my psychiatrist and the Others. I know now. Obadiah told me that I need to see my doctor; I need to tell him what […]
Just sitting here in school and all I can think about is cutting. I hadn’t done it in months. And then just like that my heart gets shattered and I’m back to it. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. The sharp blade, the drip of my blood, the burn after.. I’m missing her like crazy. And she hates me. She never actually cared. She told me that. Showed me, too. She used me. She’s 23 and I’m 17. My mom found out I’m gay and won’t even look at me. Got a text at work last night where she was just reminding me, “Girls […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
It was going really well for a while. There was a girl I loved, and she loved me back. I was happy with her. Then we broke up… She told me she had too much school work and anxiety over it, and that her mom told her to (this is 11th grade, mind you). I was completely fucked to begin with but I was okay. I thought I moved on with my life. Then, out of nowhere, she sends me a picture of her with a guy. The fucking *****. I hadn’t talked to her in a month (pretty much since the break-up). I texted […]