Just sitting here in school and all I can think about is cutting. I hadn’t done it in months. And then just like that my heart gets shattered and I’m back to it. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. The sharp blade, the drip of my blood, the burn after.. I’m missing her like crazy. And she hates me. She never actually cared. She told me that. Showed me, too. She used me. She’s 23 and I’m 17. My mom found out I’m gay and won’t even look at me. Got a text at work last night where she was just reminding me, “Girls are off limits to girls………” Yes mom, I know. I was raised a Christian. I should know better. So why do I feel this way? No I wasn’t born this way. Was I? If I wasn’t then why can’t I stop? Why is her soft sweet skin so irresistible? Why are her lips so much better than anything I’ve ever tasted before? Why is she what I want? There have been others before her. Only a few considering I was in an abusive relationship with a man for 2 1/2 years. I just don’t have the desire to be with a man. Why does it feel so right to be with her but my mom and everyone else in my family tells me it’s the most sinful thing I could do? My mom told me last night that she knows I don’t want to live my life as a lesbian. How mother? How do you know this? Because I do. Ill be out of school in an hour and a half. And all I can think about is getting home to cut my arm. My leg. My stomach. Anything. Everything. I guess I just want to know if anyone else feels this way?
4 comments
I’m so, so sorry about the emotional abuse you’re suffering. Please don’t give in to the temptation to cut. You’ll regret it later. I know it’s hard, just like any other addiction, but that’s the thing about fighting addiction, we have to take it just one day at a time.
You have to tell yourself that you can cut later, some other day, but today you choose to stay clean. That’s what you have to tell yourself.
I try but I always come back to… Why not cut now and stop later? You know what I mean?
I know exactly what you mean, very well. Trust me when I say that that line of thinking will drive you back to the razor every time. If you keep telling yourself “I’ll stop later” then you never will stop. Because “later” won’t ever come. You’ll keep putting “later” off. You have to make the conscious decision to make today “later.”
I really hope I’m making sense. And I’m not trying to shame you, or berate you for your habit, because I’ve been there and I understand. I just want to help you.
I know the feeling. I used to really enjoy cutting and I still go back every now and then. I keep finding myself in cycles of happiness then depression and I think part of how I am doing very well right now is that I’ve accepted that. There is a tendency for me to expect the depression to go away once and for all, but it helps when I expect it. I’ve even found a way to embrace it. Oh yeah, and love is love man. Don’t let haters spoil you love for another. But don’t waste your time being mad at haters. Someone recently told me that what others say about me is none of my business. I would apply that to you