I’m the type of girl to put on an act to keep the world off my back. Even when I’m trying to push them away, I actually just want someone to stop me and tell me I don’t have to pretend anymore. I’m the girl who sits in her room crying, thinking back to the past and wondering how I ever made it this far.
Everyday I go to school and pretend to be that happy girl you’ll find in every class. Everyone buys my act and they think I’m happy, that nothings wrong, but they’re all wrong.
There will never be a time where I’ve never […]
Tag:
Torture
Women seem not to like me. Middle school all the way to now they have tormented me. They make fun of the way I walk, the way I look and the way I socialize with others. Now I have been raised around women. My mom and 2 of my 3 sisters were in my life and from them I have learned alot. I respect women and I open doors for all of them. I ask them how they are doing and how they are feeling. No matter how nice I am I never get anything but tormenting in return. There is a girl that makes me […]
In a state of perfect suspension
Floating in undetermination
Waves of anxiety growing
Drowning and dying in frustration
Death on my face barely showing
Losing myself in the painful sea
Undefined creature torture to be
Forever shifting in unmade Mind
Unsure of any reality
My created world now to me lies
Kill me now, my doubted creator
Unbalanced, uncompensated I suffer
Unknowingly giving all my heart
I am ever unable to conquer
This infectious hope of a new start
Confusion seeps in and soaks my soul
Unable to understand the whole
Torturous cycle never ending
Thousand fire burnt heart black as coal
Light my apathetic soul defeating
Peace, that […]
I’m Angry today I just want to scream but I’m bottling everything inside like I always do. It’s my mom I can only hope she never feels the way she makes me feel so invalid, and useless, fat, ugly, and horrible just rotten and hopeless and a failure. I keep thinking about trying to kill myself again Bur doing it right this time like jumping off a bridge or hanging myself. I get angrier with myself everyday I look in the mirror and I just want to tear it down and never see my reflection again. I hate myself right now […]
You think you’re the loneliest person out there?
Think again,
High school has been the loneliest, hardest time.
I’m not going to go into detail but I’ve always been fairly lonely due to my social issues (self diagnosed, selective mutism)or whatever you want to call it. (I heard my mom talk to someone saying how I was assessed for the possibility of selective mutism, but it came out as negative apparently…
It had to have definitely been overlooked, as I usually didn’t talk unless spoken to, mostly in school and in unfamiliar territory.
People had to come up to me first, initiating friendship. I really don’t know what is the […]
My life has always been about others. I changed, I acted, I stayed silent so that life would be easier for everyone else. I don’t think I’ve ever pursued anything for myself and that’s alright. I never expected anything in return for what I sacrificed, what I left unsaid. I’m ok with being the punching bag, because if it wasn’t me it would be someone else, and no one deserves this. After a while, you start to savor the pain. It’s an acquired taste.
Being alive slowly killed me. Now I am just a shell. An empty body. I can’t quite reach the other side because […]
Who is this quiet girl?
The one with the scars
What makes her so deplorable?
Why is she so marred?
Why don’t you ask her?
“What is your life story?â€
Are you afraid to stir
A pot already overflowing?
Do you know sometimes
That’s all she needs?
A kind caring stranger
To let her feel seen
But you stay away
You never seem to think
About her or the fray
She keeps underneath
Why do you ignore
Her transparent mask?
Can you not see
She wants you to ask?
But you are repulsed
With no obvious cause
Why are you appalled
By someone so small?
Is it this aura of death […]
I feel like my life has been a blur..a blur I didnt want to acknowledge until I realized its eating me inside and im basically dead already. I am ashamed of myself and I cant speak to ANYBODY about this. I dont want to die.. but i dont want to exist either. I dont want to exist because there is not a day im not reminded of the torture and abuse i had to withstand and have never been able to share with anybody. I was sexually abused and molested when i was a kid..for several years. I was confused. I didnt know what was […]
Through this graceless ravaging tempest
You seek to forsake this pitiful flesh
As you attempt a hopeless and doomed extrication
It clings to you with gladiator determination
You remain grotesquely animated
Choiceless, as your pain throbs unabated
Decaying within a merciless incarceration
Demonic phantoms do a deathly dance in your mind
Creating these hideous nightmares for you to find
On the despairingly glorious doorstep of hate
A gate guarantees elusively infinite escape
Bloodless corpses swirl through the mist
Promising a torture more fulfilling than this
Entranced, you eagerly stumble towards the howling wraiths
There is no hope in hell
No comfort when you fell
But purgatory is […]
Sorry, everyone, but tonight you are going to read what my best friend so aptly describes as “The inessential ramblings of a disconsolate teenager”. I write on many subjects, love being one of them. This is meant to be a song, but I can’t write music, so it’s just lyrics. I wrote this a few weeks ago. For all of those heartbroken tonight, I feel your pain. As always, FEEDBACK IS HIGHLY APPRECIATED (as are suggestions for a title).
I used to try
To separate reality from the lie
To keep my dreams distant
Especially while you were present
Because my mind has a mind of its own
It has a […]
I’m so sick of the bullying, harassing, teasing, laughing,
the discrimination, the name calling, the sexual comments, the torture.
Why is everyone around me is sick, suffering, in pain, and dying?
Everyone thinks they know how I feel, what I’m going through, why.
They judge my my expressions, my tone, my mood, my thoughts.
I wouldn’t mind being killed, or killing myself at any moment.
It’s like a never ending story, it’s like a living Hell.
i lay here and wonder.
why did you do this to me?
why did you treat me like i was nothing?
why did you throw me away?
i tried so hard to be completely perfect,
and irresistable with every touch.
i tried and tried to make you smile.
but i was slowly running out of luck.
you put me through so much pain,
and torture,
and agony.
you made me feel stupid,
like i was so useless.
like i couldnt do anything on my own.
i wasnt very independent,
i relied on you,
to help me,
and to carry me through.
but what you did […]
I’m…I don’t know what I am. Depressed? Bipolar? According to a medical diagnosis, probably not. I’ve read stories on here that speak of not being able to even get up in the morning, who can’t find the will to do anything. I, however, get up, I go to school, put on a smile, talk to people, act normal. Inside, I’m a complete mess. School is like my own personal hell. I really don’t have friends. I’m so alone and yet surrounded by people. I hate life. I want to die. God, how I just want to end this torture. There are some days I actually […]
I have a feeling I won’t live much longer and the pain of having to sit and watch the delusions and hallucinatins and the bad dreams all telling me that something bad is going to happen and that I’m going to die.. I can’t stand it anymore I just want to end it to stop the constant torture of the voices and just end it sooner then they expect..
I’ve been struggling for so long.
I’ve battled self harm for almost a year now. I can’t stop.
My parents found out, but they don’t know the truth and don’t know how bad it is.
I feel so alone.
I’ve attempted suicide three times. Three fucking times.
None of my friends ask me how I’m doing. Not even my boyfriend asks me anymore.
I’m so alone here. I’m so scared for what I can do to myself.
If I pick up that razor again, I’m afraid I’ll go too deep, cutting something important.
But the sick thing is, I want to.
I do badly want […]
I just turned 20, I’m a freshman in college studying what I love, I’ve met the girl that I’m pretty sure I’m going to marry, and I want to kill myself. With another year of age comes another year of new responsibilities, and I feel like real life has finally shown itself to me. The last few weeks have been nothing but emotional torture for my girlfriend and I, with issues beyond our control. I’ve let my studies slack (just my general ed’s, I’m fine with my Major studies) and now I’m looking at an F in a mandatory freshman class. Normally this wouldn’t be […]
I tried. I gave it everything I had. But it just wasn’t enough. I have been on the up& down financial scale since I was 5. Since then I have lived in over 13 different residences, and have been evicted from each. You would think that it would get easier. It doesn’t. It hurts anew, and digs new wounds every time. Over and over and over again.
Well I suppose that is one thing I am not going to miss. You see after losing my job, benefits gone, savings gone, (along with dignity and self-respect of course) this is my last eviction. I have no resources […]
I want to know if somebody, some god chooses who is cursed from birth to have such a desire for death. If he/she exists, and when I find them I cant begin to imagine the torture I will put them through. I have had to suffer along with four of my closest friends with thoughts and desires that stem from such a dark place. I am the last one left. Either intentionally or from a disregard of life they all ended where i want so badly to be. I couldn’t say how many times I have tried to kill myself, either on a whim or […]
I have looked through many of these suicide stories. Notes, left from people who were in their final approach to their decisions of suicide. I have read stories of people who have lost loved ones and can no longer go on. I have read about those who have come to the conclusion that suicide is the only way to exit the pain. I decided to share my story. I am now 18. It has been over a year and a half since I had reached my limit.
A few days before my 17th birthday, I had been thinking. You see at the time, I had done […]
This is very hard for me to write this out, but I felt I had to just release what has been on my mind for over ten years and I happened to come across this website and here I am, took me a long time to admit that I hate life and to admit I have a serious problem here if I hate life, I never actually attempted to hurt myself but the thoughts are always there and my thoughts are getting stronger day by day, well the reason why I am like this I say to myself is a legitimate reason to hate life […]