My life has always been about others. I changed, I acted, I stayed silent so that life would be easier for everyone else. I don’t think I’ve ever pursued anything for myself and that’s alright. I never expected anything in return for what I sacrificed, what I left unsaid. I’m ok with being the punching bag, because if it wasn’t me it would be someone else, and no one deserves this. After a while, you start to savor the pain. It’s an acquired taste.
Being alive slowly killed me. Now I am just a shell. An empty body. I can’t quite reach the other side because I am trapped in this trivial corporal world. So I planned a way to break those ties. I was careful, I did not rush. My death was going to be the only thing that had ever been truly about me. I was going to have my death the way I wanted it.
But I forgot that nothing belongs to me, not even my death. So I have to stay here until she says it’s ok to go. I have to wait until she’s fine. And she’s not anywhere close to fine. I love her more than anything, so I stay for her. But it’s killing me inside. I need to die. I need to be free.
I used to laugh at the people I saw posting who said “The only reason I stay is for my family. I can’t hurt them.” I’d say “Weakling. You don’t truly want to die. You use them as a weak excuse. They don’t truly care for you, not if you’re here.” But now I know what hell it is, to live and die for the people around you. I am fascinated that no matter how much I suffer, there is always a deeper circle of hell to find, there is always some new torture. I guess I should be thankful for the variety at least.
Where I go in my darkest hours:
I want to lose my mind
To feel the end of time
Bask in the amnesiac glow
Shining up from below
But there is too much room
In my head’s ominous caverns
I am quickly consumed
As the complete emptiness churns
I want insanity
Escape reality
I want a numbness that transcends
All effort to pretend
Just lie here in the dark
Too weak to even fight the pain
I’ve nothing more of my heart
Not even a simple bloodstain
Take, steal this consciousness
My thoughts wither to dust
Kill my brain, if not my body
I give it willingly enough