Last night I went to a folk-punk show and the last person I made friends with (mentioned in the earlier post I made… not someone who will ever speak to me again. He was nice to me and I was a pretty shitty friend cuz my personality got all fucked up for two years) was there, along with two of his friends. I felt really really shitty and guilty
Can you believe it? The only thing stopping me from suicide is the fear of the physical pain I will feel. I’m scared of jumping in front of a train, of using a knife, of jumping – all due to the unimaginable pain that I imagine will be felt.
I just want it to be painless.
I’ve already resolved to commit suicide – but I’m being held back  by the stupid fear of pain.
I have already resolved that I am not a viable member of the human race – I have failed. I am now mediocre. And this was always my worst fear – becoming mediocre and […]
Every day there is something new–some new problem, some new slight real or imagined.  I don’t want to deal with them anymore.
I need to make a decision soon on the best way to die.  Any spare moment I have is spent thinking about the best way to kill myself. Part of me wants to get a gun and shoot myself in the head in the middle of the woods. That way even if I don’t die right away, I’ll bleed out.  A gunshot to the head is lethal, about 100 percent effective especially if I do it in a secluded area and no one finds me […]
so yeah, this is a little poem i wrote, it isn’t very good :L but it means allot.
I watched her from the corner of my eye,
I could see all the blood on her thighs.
Her eyes were red and raw with tears,
she seemed brave but had hidden fears.
Why couldn’t I see the tell tale signs,
I had been there before, life made from lies.
It leaves me curious and in pain,
Why did she do this to herself, her souls been slain.
I saw her jump out in front of that train,
I can’t bare it I wish I felt her pain.
How could […]
A 500-metre (1,600 ft) drop would take the train to 360 kilometres per hour (220 mph) close to its terminal velocity, before flattening out and speeding into the first of its seven slightly clothoid inversions.
Each inversion would have a smaller diameter than the one before in order to maintain 10g to passengers while the train loses speed.
After a sharp right-hand turn the train would enter a straight, where unloading of corpses and loading of new passengers could take place. more
My good, close (probably best) friend’s girlfriend killed herself in October 2011. She walked out in front of a train. After hearing about her death, I’ve become obsessed. Ive been researching her story, statistics of suicides by trains, and even just watching trains pass in my free time. I’m so desperate to know if this girl felt any pain, or if she died on impact. I want to know what was going through her head as she waited for the train, and what she was thinking as she walked out onto the tracks, knowing those would be her last steps. I want to know who […]
How fast do trains have to be going to kill you? Is it scary? Do you die immediately? I’ve been thinking a lot about just jumping in front of a train and praying for immediate death.
All my hope is gone… The little bit hope I had is gone. I really don’t think my life is ever going to be better. I’m fighting for more than 12 years now to get a better life where I can be real happy with, not fake happy. But in those 12 years, my life only got worse and worse… People say that when life is really terrible, it only could go better. Well, NO, it only can get worser!! (At least in my life) I wish I wasn’t on this earth anymore. I just want to die…. But I’m under controle right now. I […]
I’m desperate. I don’t want to anymore. Please, God, I’m begging you, make sure I will die accidently. Let there be a strong wind, when I’m standing at the platform waiting for my train, so I’ll fall off the platform onto the rails and the train will drive over me and I’ll be dead. Or let my bus get a serious accident I won’t survive. Do something, God, I’m begging you. Kill me, it’s the only way to save me from myself. Please, God, make sure I’ll die…
~ What if there’s only one way out?
One way to feel better,
one way to love myself.
I thought about jumping in front of the train again today… old thought. I try to figure out the logistics in my head. I thought about drinking and taking a bad combination of pills… making cyanide… putting a bag over my head after drinking a lot… I don’t have the guts. Maybe finding a way to get ********… might be easier. I watch the documentaries of people who go to foreign countries to end their lives… they have people there with them when they died… wishing them a safe journey… I wonder if I could ever have that.
I think I wouldn’t… I know I don’t.
I don’t want to go back to work. I want to quit and just lock up in my room, hide under the bed, never open up for anybody. Tell everyone I’m dead because I am, I am, I am!
My mother keeps getting mad because I have turned into this apathetic stranger who won’t talk to her, won’t even say a single word in the house. But inside my head, I am as noisy as a train without a fucking destination.
And I can’t stop thinking about death. Even the smell of rain reminds me of it. We’re all dying, people. We’re all fucking dying. Tell me […]
This morning I looked outside and all I saw was snow. You may think: “Is that special?? O.o” Well, I can tell you: yes, it is. Because in The Netherlands we don’t really have severe winters or often snow. So when there is snow, it’s special. Especially when it’s like 6 inches, like today. I had to go to my part-time therapy (from 9 am till 3 pm every monday till friday) and luckily my father brought me. There was like more than 1000 kilometers of traffic jam, a new record! (on a normal tuesday in the morning it’s around 300 kilometers) and we also […]
I have my plan in place, I’ve always tried by pills with no success.  Wed I plan to go in front of a train. I have a meeting and after the meeting it should be dark enough I can do so without being seen until it’s too late.  Right now there is no fear but I am sure when it comes I will feel scared. At least I will feal something. At least I can put all these suicidal thoughts to rest.  I plan on burning all my print journals and closing all my social accounts wed morning. I don’t know if I want to […]
think everythings in order.
couple of letters written
tried my damdest to explain just why
no family makes it so much easier
2 years ago i stood there right on the edge, wow what a view, it blew my mind…. got spotted in the early hours of the mnorning by someone out walking there dog…   at the end of the day i bottled it and took too long and stood there thinking instead of what i went there to do there and eventually i got picked up by the local police..
not this time..
this time i’m ready, been there, stood there..
god give me the bloody strength ..
i’m ready…
shitting myself but i’m ready
i spend hours looking at pics of that place online […]
Ive been thinking of suicide lately and this is not the first time i have attempted before and failed, i really thourght i had got myself over the worst of it after that until recently. Me and my gf split after a long period of being in a kind of together but technically not situation after i messed up an hurt her (wasn’t the worst thing i could of done but it was bad) all the guilt of hurting the person i love the most has kickstarted my depression and i did try to deal with it but im getting nowhere, i dont feel like […]
Life to me is just unhappiness i dont like being here really… Nobody has done anything to make me feel this way i just dont see the point in a meaningless unhappy life full of anger and depression… Im 14 and most people just say to me that i will be fine its just school and its stressful but school isnt a problem at all. I have friends and family that care about me but i never seek help from them because i dont like contact with other people, i like being alone by myself so i lock myself away.
I constantly question myself about my […]
I can’t share this song I wrote with anyone else because my life is going well at the moment, and I don’t want everyone to go batshit. I have a horrible MP3 of this recorded using my phone if anyone’s interested.
How do you hope when someone else is hurt,
How will you dress their wounds while you’re lying in the dirt?
Your hope is nothing but foolish pride,
You think you’re in love but you’re empty inside.
Keep your toes on the edge of the platform,
The train will come, and heal your wounds.
Walk up to that ledge and close your eyes,
Take a breath […]
Since I can never manage to kill myself during a manic episode I figured setting a date would make things much easier.
Still didnt really decide between hanging or jumping in front of the train yet. I am forever in doubt about everything.
It didnt really make things easier though.
Since I woke up this morning I felt weird. I felt this feeling of determination and at the same time doubt.
My mood has jumped from wanting-to-slice-my-own-throat-bad to happy. It seemed to happen more often than usual. I was pretty set on hanging. Then somewhere during the day my anxiety kicked in and I felt too low to go […]
I spend my free time in my room playing games and listening to the spirits speak to me. They aren’t any kinder than my cruelest bullies, so it isn’t much fun.
I do okay in school in a tough major, but sometimes everything gets to be too much.
I just want to lay my head on the train tracks nearby. It seems just as good a choice as any.
Hi all, in a way I not to sure what led me to this site, i guess I’m just looking for a place to vent how i feel without feeling like I’m “bringing people down” or in need of “growing up”.
I don’t really now where to start, kind of like how my life feels, just lost and floating around hoping for things to change or just get easier, lately iv felt so down i don’t know how to get back to feeling “OK”, I feel like i wake up each day expecting things to change but then i lie my head down at night and […]