I just feel tired of life.

Hi all, in a way I not to sure what led me to this site, i guess I’m just looking for a place to vent how i feel without feeling like I’m “bringing people down” or in need of “growing up”.

I don’t really now where to start, kind of like how my life feels, just lost and floating around hoping for things to change or just get easier, lately iv felt so down i don’t know how to get back to feeling “OK”, I feel like i wake up each day expecting things to change but then i lie my head down at night and the day just feels just like yesterday and the day before that, I just feel tired like there’s  no hope for a future, school was never an easy things and in the end i ended up getting kicked out without a single grade to my name, don’t get me wrong i never had it hard at school, i seen some kids just try to be somebody to be “noticed” in a way where as for me i never struggled with that, when it came to it i knew i had to correct my wrongs, i took a college course for 2 years got my grades to a decent level, kept in touch with the friends i cared for but never fully felt like it was enough (in a way it seems selfish, but its not intended i just want better for myself.)

Growing up i struggled mostly with fitting in, being in the closest never helped and iv still not managed to bring my self out of it, iv always felt uncomfortable meeting new people and id say i care more about the way im seen and how others view me so i can never truly just let things be and have a good time (i guess that’s where alcohol comes into play), i made some mistakes, lost a few friends, got random tattoos on my body, but over the years life just seems like one endless train, now when i look at who i am, i don’t see how i can change things, my routines the same. I work, come home maybe go see my closest friend which iv now fallen out with over something stupid, then sleep, i always think maybe tomorrow will be different a whole 24 hours for life to change a lot can happen in an hour so having 24 of them is more of a hope to look forward to, but life doesn’t i find my self driving home from work looking out the window thinking is this all life has to offer me, the same old town and places, the same  old people and faces, and if I’m completely honest i just can’t be bothered to live anymore, and i hate that feeling, i see people with disorders or are dying and more than anything they just want to live, and here’s me, I’m healthy and have the world at my feet yet all i want is for it to be over, to see what the next chapter in life holds and leave the place we call earth and finally be at peace with myself.

The past few weeks have really been the hardest, i have no self confidence, haven’t been in a proper relationship for 2 years, bounced from job to job which tends to last 6 months at the most, I’m arguing with my best friend, the friends i do have are more company than friends, i think the only thing that has kept me here for so long is my family, my family are my world and i love them dearly, the one thing i cant complain about in life are my family, my mother and father have always given me what i wanted even when its been hard they always kept my feet on the ground and learned me to give back and respect other people no matter who they are, i have a younger sister who i look at each day and think your life is going to be incredible, she’s such a beautiful person inside and out, so respectful and caring, and she is my main reason for not raising the white flag and just ending it all, we have always been incredibly close and i try live my life learning her lessons on what and what not to do when she comes to the stage I’m at in life, but lately i feel like I’m hurting myself more dragging it out for other people when all i really what is to be at peace, a fresh start, even thought I’m only 20 and have so many more years to go i just can’t do it anymore and i don’t want to, I’m tired of friends treating me like an idiot and me always been the one that goes back or apologies first when I’m not normally in the wrong, or life making itself so much harder than it already is.

I guess thats all there is to it really, half of me wonders why i wrote this post and am about to click publish knowing im putting myself in a position where just about anyone can read my story and judge from any kind of angle, i think in one sence i just kind of needed to write it all out for myself (without sounding like a crazy person). like the title says, im just tired of the life iv lived, i feel like iv had a great amount of time here and im happy with the momories iv created but all i want most now is to be that unlucky person that gets hit by a car and doesn’t pull though, the person you read on the front of the newspaper and think what a terrible shame, because the differance is most of those people still had there whole life’s they wanted to live where as for me i don’t have anything more i’d like to stick around for, but on the other hand everytime i come to ending it all, i think what kind of example am i leaving my sister, when life gets hard just give up, but its so hard just dragging out each day hoping for a change.

if you did end up reading the whole thing or maybe even the first few lines of my essay, thanks, it nice to know people have time to try help a fellow person out when there in need, I’m just a lost soul looking for peace and right now I’m not to sure which decision is going to being me what im looking for, i guess ill just have to wait and see. again thanks.