Maybe someday I’ll tell you about all of my pain. Maybe someday I’ll tell you that the real reason as to why I don’t sleep very much at night is because I’m just that scared of what might happen to you while I sleep. I want to protect you so much, but you’re not even here. The real reason why I cut is to know that everything isn’t an illusion. When will I tell you that? When will I tell you all the things that trouble me? When will I stop using depression as an excuse? Why can’t I pick myself up anymore? You tell […]
Tag:
Truth
A year ago I felt so peaceful and free after moving forward on my plans to recover from an eating disorder that had taken over my life and jeopardized my health. I was improving more each and every day, I was enjoying food, and pleasure had been brought back to life. I thought the nightmare was over, I knew relapse was a harsh possibility, but I assured myself I would stay strong. At the time I had no support other than the occasional “I’m so happy for you†from a friend. That’s the way I wanted it, […]
Well, at a request, this is going to be a part of what I go through in life.
I’m fifteen. My mother died when I was six, I only saw her until I was three. My dad is getting married soon and I’ll be moving to a different state where the ground is sand, with three new siblings. My close relationships are with one of my friends, maybe two, My brother, my soul brother, and my boyfriend, who I’ve been dating since 12. I have social anxiety/phobia and paranoid schizophrenia. I don’t hear voices, I just get really sick and scared. I cut myself, but I […]
You told me you’d call back in a minute. You still didn’t. That was about four hours ago. Where the Fu_k are you? I know not to get worried, but it keeps happening more and more and I’m starting to think you don’t want to talk to me. I know you, but it doesn’t feel that way. What am I supposed to do? I can’t afford a plane ticket to get there and then back just to make sure you’re okay. I’m not getting any good gigs lately, so the band is in some tension. I know you won’t call back anymore tonight, you don’t […]
i wish i could tell you the truth but youd hate me forevre so i try find exsusis to talk to you and grantid some of them are pritey petetic but its all i dear do this could go horably wrong but at the same time it could be the best thing in the world i hope if you reed this you will never know but at the same time i whant you to but i dont but i do its all fuckt up if you look at it but hay thats my life for you fuckt up a mess… lacing a sens of yer […]
What’s the point? I hate everything. I hate being a teen, and I don’t want to go through whatever bullshit comes my way in life. It’s just going to be full of people who have no sympathy for you and just laugh at your misfortunes. I frustrate people to the point to where they want to just disappear when they listen to my problems. No one can get anywhere with me. I was even called “typically close-minded” today. I always thought I was better than that. I always think most of the poem “Richard Cory” perfectly describes me:
Whenever Richard Cory went down town,
We people on […]
It’s my first post here, I must admit that I don’t know why should I bother doing this given that nobody gives a fuck what I do. I want to fall asleep and never wake up, I’m one of the worst persons that ever lived, I’ve made a lot of people suffer and most of them hate me. I think I shouldn’t be alive, that way the world would be a much better place, I can’t think why I could make the difference here, nobody will miss me. I’m that guy that walks alone with his head down, who people never talk to, I don’t […]
ive had a killer headache all day. even though my morning started off pretty good and ive had a low stress day i just feel like shit and dont feel good at all. it dosent help people asking me if im ok when they dont want to know the answer. dont ask me something if you dont want me to tell you the truth. you only like the happy, stoner, party side of me so dont try to get to know the real raw me no one sees. yea you used to know me but then what happened, you put me in a fucking mental […]
I sat there on the side of slop. The summer wheat swayed in the wind as I watched the sunset. I relaized that the world is full of beauty and I am nothing. I hung my head and realized, no one really listens, no one gets it. This hurt inside me is so deep, so painful, so incredibly numbing, that it goes on the lingering for suicide anymore. I simply don’t care anymore. I don’t care if I live, I don’t care if I die. I simply perform like an actor. If the program calls for laughter I laugh, if it calls for sadness I […]
Nothing ever changes,
even when you say it will.
You’ve always been a liar.
Filling yourself with falsity.
Hopeful lies,
and a grin so wide,
your skin could tear.
I’ve seen what lies beneath
the sleeves of your favorite sweater.
I have seen your ugliest truth.
The beautiful marks
that stain your skin
as a reminder of a night
you forgot to swallow your pill.
Living in a world of hazed confusion,
trying to block out the truth
with an upped dosage,
and a sharper edge.
Where do you hide?
Pretending this will work,
and stifle the pain.
But I can hear you cry at night.
Keep pretending.
Just a little longer, my dear.
I am praying that I don’t wake up in the morning. I usually do this each night before I go to bed now. I don’t yet have the courage to end things myself but I keep thinking each day I will get braver. I know why I want to end my life would seem rediculas to many. silly.. but the pain my heart and mind are in is unbearable to me. I do not want to hear it will get better. that I will heal that there is other options or that someone out there cares. or will love me. I can not even begin […]
I have LPR.
It’s a horrid disease and incurable to say the least. Those with LPR have the pleasure of experiencing various, horrible, painful symptoms in their heads and throats. There is no cure. Doctors refuse to acknowledge its existence. The only one who does – a specialist – says having LPR is like having the ‘VIP pass’ to throat cancer.Guaranteed. The stomach enzyme pepsin is to blame for both LPR and fatal throat cancer. Proven.
And I have LPR. Proven. Therefore I am almost guaranteed to experience cancer, which will kill me. Painfully…
And even if I don’t, I will have to suffer for my whole life, […]
I really wonder am I weak for letting the pain get to me like this? For all the tears I’ve cried for all the times I’ve put a blade to my skin. For the constant thoughts of killing myself? For not wanting to be here. I have had a hard past but why cant I just let that go and move on? Why cant I be happy again? I have to many questions…. but honestly I am tired. I hardly ever sleep anymore and I have to force myself to get up and go on everyday. I appear happy to everyone but I’m no where […]
I’d rather not become the enemy they make me out to be, like I was previously taught. I’d rather be me, and be one of the most humane, generous, caring, and considerate people you know. I want to be remembered for these traits, not something vile, rebellious, and purely dark. I want to be the light. Do I have to be a Christian in order to genuinely possess these traits? I’m tired of expectations and not knowing the truth. Someone please give me insight on the so-called ‘afterlife’. I need to know.
Whats’s there to even say about me anymore? What’s the point in saying it. I am now a 19 year old male who has been in a severe state of depression for 6-7 (if not more) years. I hate reading the cliche sayings by depressed people, who just doesn’t know how to express what they feel, but I find myself using those same exact ones. I’m so overwhelmed just in writing this, that I have no idea where to begin… I guess I’ll tell a little of my story.
Well… I was raised by parents who believe/d in a rather extreme form of evangelical-charismatic christianity. Looking […]
ive gotten fat… im getting better at putting on a smile. ive been dressing nicer and more preppy. ive been laughing more. ive been crying less. ive been arguing more. ive been thinking ab0ut him more. ive been treated worse. ive been told everything will be ok but ive been told that before. ive been keeping everything inside like i used to. im reverting back to the old me. perfect pretty girl. loud and outgoing sarcastic with everything put together. hah what a fucking joke. but i am so good at keeping everything in. ive only been cutting on my wrists so i can hide […]
I wasn’t planning on posting here for another couple of days, but recent circumstances have altered my plans. June 27, 2010 is the day that one of my best friends took his own life. I write a memorial post here each year on that day as a way for me to remember him by. Last night another one of my friends committed suicide. It’s been numbing, as I’ve realized how little it affects me. Not because I don’t care, as this is a person that I had a great deal of respect for, and someone that I genuinely enjoyed being around. I know he had […]
Am I the only one who thinks that when someone tells you to be strong or says some sob story about how you need to live is just a line of absolute bull? Because saying the same things someone else can say to you isn’t going to mean anything to me. I want a “I know it’s hard and I know I don’t understand it but I’m here to listen and I know you aren’t okay, but that’s okay because sometimes were all not okay….” type of conversation not a “You can do this you are strong, get help, I need you, you’ll be fine, […]
When people ask where you’ve been the last five months or whatever what do you say?
“Oh, I’ve been suicidal and a shut-in and being well enough to be out may not last.”
or “I’ve had issues” or
“Been busy” –I don’t like bending the truth.
Towards the end when Agent Smith and Neo are battling inside the matrix and it looks like Agent Smith has won the battle, Neo stands up again to him…
Agent Smith: Why, Mr. Anderson? Why do you do it? Why get up? Why keep fighting? Do you believe you’re fighting for something? For more than your survival? Can you tell me what it is? Do you even know? Is it freedom? Or truth? Perhaps peace? Yes? No? Could it be for love? Illusions, Mr. Anderson. Vagaries of perception. The temporary constructs of a feeble human intellect trying desperately to justify an existence that is without […]