there are two of me. the rational and the irrational. the rational me realizes it all comes down to the money. it is what makes the world go around. if you don’t have it your needs and wants are irrelevant. the same can be said about any kind of healthcare. mental health especially. it was rationed out like it was going to break the bank. as long as those insurance checks keep coming all is well. the “rational” me is very cynical, she doesn’t believe there are better days in my future. it is at this point where the rational and irrational meld. the irrational […]
Tag:
wants
It’s Friday
Her alarm goes off at 6:00am…she hits the snooze button. “I do not want to get up today.” She pulls the cover over her face and falls back asleep until 7:00am.
She finally gets the energy to get up out of bed and drags herself into the shower, and begins to get ready for school. As she’s getting ready she occasionally looks out the window – the fog is rolling in and its windy. She sighs deeply inside…”I don’t want to go to school today”. Putting on her make up, she gives up halfway and gets dressed. With the little energy she has, she throws her […]
She is 20 years old. She is an Italian & African-American Female.
She goes to school full-time. She she has no time for a job.
She is TRYING the BEST she can to make something of herself, to make a living for herself, so she can live comfortably above the poverty line that her & her family have been stuck in for years.
But she is tired.
She’s looked for God and she believes she found him. She’s seen him in her dreams, she’s seen him hide in nature, she feels him when the sun comes up. Crazy as it sounds, she believes he is all around, and she […]
how much can a brain process? day in day out i only keep thinking and seeking solutions. how does normality feel, what is rest – i’ve forgotten all these things. though i don’t feel like that, but logically speaking, it will explode one day.
i’ve accumulated quite a collection of solutions by now. they can change anybody’s life if he follow them diligently. but then i ask – why don’t they change mine? i think there is a part of me that wants misery, that don’t want to get detached from them, that wants all that evil that they transfer in me.
how does he not understand why i don’t have the will to live anymore?! actually no, he doesn’t care. its because of people like him that take and and take and take, and are actually loved, but their main goal is to act like a parasite and then just leave once they’ve sucked everything they possibly can from you, and you have nothing left. he literally doesn’t care how much he takes from me. he doesn’t care that he causes another person to not want to live. he’s breaking up with me over a situation i may not be able to control. he won’t even […]
I think I’ll try to give this life one more year…..I’ll be 60 next year on March 26th……that is, if God doesn’t take me on his own before then…………you see…..since Mom died about this time last year, I have no one who loves me and cares for me in the selfless way a mother or partner can…..and there is no one who wants or needs that from me. The lonely, solitary life that was chosen for me by illness is simply not any way for a “senior” citizen to live……I’m in that high risk category, by gender and age, for suicide. I cared for Mom as companion and helper/care giver […]
i am truly sorry if my last post offended you.i never meant to offend you.well its been two or three weeks since i tried and commit suicide. i feel so stupid because i tried because of just some fvcking stupid shit that i did and because she wants to be really mean and say everything ismy fault when it never was. now i understand what parents mea by if she loves or cares about you she wouldn’t want to hurt you.
I sometimes miss what could have been- some people wont get that and wonder how I could miss something I’ve never experienced first hand, but I guess you don’t really need to understand it. My life is too full of what ifs, maybes, and day dreams of what I want myself and my life to be like. I think I stopped trying to live “here” a long time ago, I live in my head now because facing what is right in front of me is too painful. I cringe at the thought of acknowledging  my life, both past and present. Yet I am obsessed with […]
TLDR: 20+ years old, moved abroad to meet online friends, did something silly and now debating whether or not to leave cause I’m happy as fuck here but if I go home (and make the people here happy) I’ll spiral back down.
Hi everyone, first post. I’ve read this forum for months while trying to constantly claw myself back up from rock bottom, and I thought I did (temporarily) until I came into this problem.
I’m in my early 20s and moved across the world to be a nanny. I was studying at home, working, and just felt like a drone. I had met a few friends […]
If you are reading this, please listen with an open heart.
My best friend committed suicide on March 14th. She had an account on this website that i just came across and she had posted asking about ways she could do it, and my already shattered heart broke a thousand times more as i read the comments telling her how. As much as apart of me wants to respond with so much anger to anyone who encouraged her in how to end her life, a bigger part of me also breaks for all the others who were in her same numb state. She had talked with […]
I’ve attempted to overdose on many different things.. Last night I tried to overdose on what was left of my 200mg seraquel… When I awoke I couldn’t move my body, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t function… My dad came over to bring me food and had seen what I had done.. I reminded him of my aunty, she committed suicide a few years ago.. He kicked me to the ground.. My boyfriend abused me for the pathetic attempt. Something wants me to be alive, and slowly suffer..Â
I know im a pathetic person, I know I’m mental, I know I’m manipulative, im […]
I cannot fathom the thought of love.
There was a moment 2 years ago where I experienced intimate love for the very first time. At that point in time, I felt like I was on top of the world – but, when after almost 7 years, you’re world decides it wants to move on, you are left broken and cold – it all changed.
Although my love towards this individual has only changed from intimate to platonic, it becomes a ride of anxiety-fear-hope-annoyance, because it has been 2 years since we’ve seen each other; 6 months since we’ve emailed each other; I am waiting to hear from […]
the raven colored hair
falls upon her smooth face
the once warm and inviting eyes
are now shedding tears
dripping dropping ever so quickly
pittering pattering in her lap
as she curls up in a ball
wanting so badly to die and go
she opens up her mouth
and sighs ever so silently
she goes to speak to tell the world
but the room is dark and silent
will anyone hear her silent pleas
alas they will not because
she will mask them and hide them
hides her tears from the world
puts on a fake smile to mask her frown
looks down when passing […]
Atelophobia: the fear of imperfection, of not being good enough.
Today was great so why do I still feel like a worthless piece of shit? I worry more and more about weather or not I am going to kill myself. I no longer have a happy place to take me away from myself for a while. I feel it is almost necessary now to do it sense everyone is expecting me to. But the secret is I don’t want to die, I want to be happy. I want to wake up in the mornings with a smile and for the voice in my head to point […]
I’m so tired of this life. I’ve never felt comfortable in any situation and I seemingly can’t make anything work. I never feel like a normal person, never have. Even if by some miracle things are good, I find a way to destroy it just by being my uncomfortable self. I’ve done this so many times that now I’m just too tired to try.
I haven’t worked in more time than I’d like to admit. I’m 35, will be 36 at the end of the month, and I still rely on someone else to support me because I just can’t bring myself to face another rejection. […]
Hi I am a 47 year old woman who just wants to shuffle this mortal coil once and for all, but I feel trapped here because I don’t have access to a method that would enable a quick exit.
I am pleased to meet you all and I feel really sad for the people who feel that they want to leave the earth plane, and I really hope that you all can find a reason for living because i am sure that most of you really shouldn’t be here planning your suicide as you all deserve a happy life with loved ones around you.
I would rather […]
I’ll admit it, I still think about her every day. I don’t want to. The memories are wrong, twisted. They don’t bring a smile, or a feeling of joy. They just bring me down. The happiest moments of my life, and they are all fake. Oh, at the time I didn’t know they were fake, but now I know. Lying in bed together, holding her as she fell asleep. The love I felt for her, the love she felt for me. The happiest moment. But it was a lie. There was no love from her, no feeling at all.
I burned whatever bridge was left […]
I can’t stop feeling like a freak…
Everyone around me, including family, constantly make a fun of me for who I am… to the point where I meltdown… and all they do is laugh at me…
I constantly get abused emotionally and physically… For no fucking reason… and I feel like nobody wants me around…
What the fuck is wrong with me…? I’m really nice to everyone… and they still treat me like shit… and now… I can’t stop feeling like a mistake…
I can’t stop thinking about suicide… I tried hanging myself with an extension cord once… and I can’t help feeling like I […]
Who really has a good enough reason to commit suicide? Is one reason more acceptable than another? What if:
*your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife left you?
*you’re sad, depressed, or have some other mental illness?
*you feel trapped in a hopeless situation?
*you have a terminal illness? (although life itself is a terminal condition. You start dying the moment you’re born).
*you had bad coffee this morning?
Are any of these reasons more valid or “better” than any others? If someone you knew was in the exact same position that you’re in, would you suggest that they end their life?
I think that people have a tendency to get hung up on “reasons why”. What seems […]
So you have that one person, your other half. He/she wants to see you do good and stay positive . And you just feel like you cant look up to there expectations . It hurts, and it hurts even more that you can’t be honest with them because you dont want them to know how you really feel. Im so very good with keeping my emotions bottled up. Because once they are out there is no ceiling it back up. Honestly can get you only so far in life..