So Tired

I’m so tired of this life. I’ve never felt comfortable in any situation and I seemingly can’t make anything work. I never feel like a normal person, never have. Even if by some miracle things are good, I find a way to destroy it just by being my uncomfortable self. I’ve done this so many times that now I’m just too tired to try.

I haven’t worked in more time than I’d like to admit. I’m 35, will be 36 at the end of the month, and I still rely on someone else to support me because I just can’t bring myself to face another rejection. I want to work or at least have something to get up for in the morning but the failure. I can’t deal with another failure. I’ve been in my room for far too long. Life keeps going on without me and every reminder of that cuts me to the core. Part of me wants to live, to shake off this nonsense and just go out, be happy, get a guy, get a bestie (I loathe that word!) and just have fun but a bigger part, the sinking part that is always present in my chest, holds me back. That part knows I’m going to screw it up because I always do. When I was younger, it was easier to explain away my failures. “Oh, she’s young. She still has time do something with her life.” That time ran out. Now I’m pushing 40. I’m alone with a non-existent career and zero social life. I say I’m alone by choice and sometimes I believe that but it’s not true. I try to make friends but this darkness in me, the sadness is palpable and scary to others.

Yesterday, I discovered that the one person I thought would always be there for me has moved on. He made sure that I knew he moved on what I think was a cruel way. Perhaps I deserve it. I treated him poorly at times because I wasn’t satisfied with myself. I hurt him because when I do something bad, it lightens that darkness for a time. It proves that I have an effect on the world or a person and I have some sort of control and it fulfills me for a short time. I could never admit that but he made me see it. He hung around longer than he should have. He had faith in me despite there being no reason to. He held on but he couldn’t live like me. He’s normal, he wants to be happy and have fun so he moved on. She’s better than me. More exciting, artistic, romantic. Not cynical and moody. I am thoroughly gutted that he’s happy and found a replacement for the thing he said was irreplaceable but he had no choice. I made him choose that which makes me even more disgusted with myself. Now I’m ignored. I’m the call he doesn’t take. The message he doesn’t answer. He rolls his eyes if he thinks of me. The good memories of me are being replaced. The jokes we had, the closeness we shared are being erased. I’m being erased.

I’ve tried suicide before. I was 17 and deeply depressed, similar to how I am now. I took two boxes of Unisom and a few shots of vodka. I fell asleep with a soundness I’ve never experienced before or since and felt relief. I woke up hours later vomiting and retching. Failed. I tried again six months later. Razor blade. Couldn’t bring myself to do it so I took more pills. Not enough to die but too much to sleep. I slept and vomited in hilariously stupid intervals. I figured I’d choke on my vomit like Hendrix but nope. I tried again three years ago. Again, trying and failing. The very theme of my existence.

Today is different. I have the resolve because I’m too tired not to have it. 20+ years of this nagging feeling that I need to put to rest. I need to put me to rest. Everyone says this but there is nothing on this plane of existence for me. No one to love me, no one to care. Everyone says that too but it’s true in my case. I have some cats, a dog and a mother who grows more exasperated with me by the day. It would be a relief to her on some level. I’ve been a failure as a daughter by no fault of her. She’s amazing and I don’t want her to find me. That’s a terrible thing to lay on someone and I’ve done enough to her, let her down enough. A note seems pointless. Surely I’ll leave something out or confuse the shit out whomever reads my ramblings so my ID is all I’ll have. I don’t know what awaits me but I can’t do this anymore. I lasted longer than I ever thought I would. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not but it’s time to shuffle off this mortal coil.