I lost my ex after a drug induced psychosis and spent all of my money (10 k ) in a year and have recently had to start again. I’ve saved up some money again and have met someone new but I just don’t feel it with her, and people complain about my customer service at work because I look depressed. I feel so repulsive all the time. I bought some oleander cuttings and plan to make tea and eat the leaves tonight. I’m not sure if it will work but I know if it does my family will be devastated, but I’m just fed up […]
Sorry, long post…
I’ve been very well for quite a while, but in the last two months, depression has crept back in. I’ve been reading SP for a while now, again, after a long absence. After a long and slow build-up during the last few weeks I’ve today finally come to the decision that my life will end. My sons have reached adulthood, they were always the main reason for me to fight on, and they are still a good reason to do so, but not with the same absoluteness than when they were still underage, and I was the absolutely only family they had.
Well, I […]
So many lose ends to tie. Is it stalling? Is it because I care about the ones left behind? Does it matter once you’re gone? Its so hard to do anything. To even leave the house. I think I do care, if I didnt, I’d just keep going. Waiting on a paycheck to buy my materials. Gotta write the letters, leave a clean house, and find the thing I need to do the job. It sucks. I think only here can someone understand what its like to want something so badly, and not want it at all either.
Im sitting in the back room at the bar I ust to work at. Waiting for my friend to have free time from the tables shes serving. My heart is racing in the pit of my stomach. I want to vomit. My head hurts. Im crying and I dont know what to do anymore. I need help.
I need to tell my story.
I am in my 25th year. I have been a great performer all my life. I was always in the top 5 throughout my school. Topper of my college for three straight years during graduation. I stood at third place in the university during the final year of my graduation. I thought of being a person who would bring a change in this world. I thought of being someone of importance. And then I went for my post graduation. And then everything changed.
I could not understand programming. I was good in arts though. I would write poems, was an amateur […]
I can’t fucking stand it here. I hate this place. I love my field of work, but I hate the people and this entire work environment. I’m tired of being yelled at, especially for things that shouldn’t be my fault. I do what I’m told, so if I fail it’s because you didn’t tell me thoroughly what needs done. You can’t give me half of an assignment and expect me to know how to finish it correctly. But apparently that makes me a bad worker because I can’t read people’s minds or go back twenty years and learn how you guys do things here.
I don’t […]
life comes so easy to so many people. decent people around them. decent grades at school. decent personality. decent appearance.
thats all i really wanted. an average, decent life. i could live with that. but not this life where everything is a struggle.
things do work out better for some. dont tell me nothing good comes easy. the only good that comes easy for me is these suicidal thoughts and plans because they are my only escape from this hell life.
i am back to lying in bed all day staring at the walls falling in and out of sleep. it makes sense that this is how it […]
i have always had an issue with following through on things…i dont know if it is me or if i developed it as a bad habit from growing up in a different place every year for 10+ years. either way, i am finally going to commit to taking my own life.
the thought of suicide has brought me comfort and relief over the past few years, but this year i have been researching and planning it whenever the classic bullsh*t in my life resurfaces.
i.e bipolar alcoholic self absorbed mum and her abusive peado husband. and all they have tortured me […]
There they are, all of the muses I’ve taken recently. God, what I’d give to not see this. What I’d give to forget them all and move on with life.
Little_Old_Me with her auburn hair, beautiful face, and lips I’d kill to kiss again. Sammi6xoxo, her tall, slender, frame with those eyes I write about so often.
Little_Old_Me.
She’s sitting on the curb. Right now she’s not wearing very heavy clothes, it’s still a warm Iowa summer and there’s no need. The long, auburn, hair I’ve grown to so admire is tied up right now. Beauty embodied. The slight curvature of her jaw, not too sharp, which […]
I just about cried a few minutes ago while playing video games, because I realized that I am too socially awkward to be able to talk to people, that I’ve never met and never will meet, through game chat and I can barely work up the courage to post or comment on this site. An anonymous site. What is wrong with me?
Today I told my mom that I am going to end my life on my birthday. My birthday is in 2 months. I only told her because I didn’t want it to be a surprise for her. I wanted to give her enough time to sit with the idea. I always mess things up in life. I’m just not good at it. I tried to take my life 2 years ago but it didn’t work. I took it as a sign that I must have a reason to live. But no, it was just me failing again. So, this time I’m going to make sure […]
Cold and blue
Body bags
Filled
Drowned, frozen, dead
Red/blue lights flash
Tears fall from my lidded eyes
Down, down
Hitting you with a splash
I hold you close for the last time
You’re ripped away
Down to the morgue
Empty
Without
I’ll try
I know it won’t work
Soon I’ll be with you
Passing on
I’m missing
You make me feel so shit. You try to help me but you hurt me. You guys make me feel so depressed. You’ve killed my social life, my only respite from home, my only coping mechanism that seems to work without being overly self-destructive. How can I cope now?
No dad I cannot fucking talk to you, can’t you see?
Every time we talk I stutter. Can’t you see? I’ve never been comfortable around you guys, that’s why I’m always trying to escape. That’s why I do the things I do. It’s all to escape from you guys (mainly) and school.
You guys make me wanna kill […]
22nd April 2015. I remember is like it was yesterday but it feels so long ago. I was talking to a friend in the morning about you, asking if she had heard from you, telling her I was worried about you but at the same time was so proud of you for continuing to pull through. I was sitting in a managers fire meeting, Level 6, we had just been made chief fire wardens (a job that we did not want) and my phone light pinged […]
Shit I should have stayed at work if I’d have had any idea this would be a night of screaming and hollering about Lady Gaga and other anorexic girls and “how good” it looks when you can see every bone in their skeletal bodies! It’s like I truly don’t exist and I’d be my fucking paycheck I’ll be spending my birthday alone because he’s probably getting girls left and right now.
Shit, I’m getting to the point I wish I hadn’t ever met him. It’d be so much easier to go on thinking that Jamie (from Twiztid) was the hottest guy on earth. Shit, he’s famous […]
24 years old female. My life has two parts: Happy with obstacles for 14 years and been miserable for the other ten years.
Before you read, please don’t forget that my experiences that I’m going to write, happened when I was a child and in my teens. So evaluate them according to my age that time.
Happy with obstacles happenings:
* At the age 4, my parents divorced. I’m with my mom since then..
* My father was away in another city but we adored each other so much and he was proud with all the qualities I have. We spent the summer holiday and semesters together. […]
I don’t know what to think. I’ve been drinking to dull the pain. Now, I can’t drink much because it hurts my stomach, so I just sip it, little by little. I’ve had this four loko for 3-4 days now.
I’ve been in and out of chanting since I began because I’m so tired all the time and find it hard to commit to any religious practice. I’ve come to believe it’s real, though. It numbs me ever so slightly too.
None of this has been his doing. I’m sad, lonely, hurting, and numb on my own this time. I borrowed the iPad from work to get […]
well, another day and somehow i am still here, Seen this girl who came into my work place today, and for 3 years that i have known her she claimed to not be able to walk or anything. She WALKED into the shop. why does she get to walk when i can barely? It’s not fair. This is another reason I don’t want to live
today is hopefully my last day in this world, i have money now so i can start to prepare everything and do it tonight after work. You are all great
Today I made a big step and went to the doctors.
My day has been awful at work, I was told I couldn’t help out an extra day because I apparently need someone with me to ‘support’ me. This is how they treat me. They see only my disability.