I lived with this disease for many years and have yet to achieve peace. I have been able to hide it from many people by pushing them away when it gets bad. I want to leave so badly to make it all end, but I don’t have it in me (yet) to leave my young son. I know my wife is planning on leaving me and due to my condition, she will get full custody. I am not really sure what to do. Part of me wants to pack a bag & head somewhere to make it all go away and the other part is […]
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work
(Forgot to post this earlier , saved it as a draft)
Today is like every other day .
i go to class at 7 am get out at 2pm and now I’m at work waiting to clock in.
But today I woke up feeling a little better .
theres no reason why either .
i think it’s because it’s a beautiful day out
I live by the beach and it should be cold right now because winter is almost here but it’s a nice warm day and the sun is out .
it was raining for days and I think it made me sad .
I’m sitting here at work looking out the […]
i deserve every inch of pain i’m getting, i’m a worthless peace of fuck and i’m too much work, i just bring the ones i love down, i make them hate me. but i deserve it. they need better than me. how could anyone love someone who doesn’t love themselves.
I’m afraid of this being the worst birthday ever for me. Not that it’s ever meant anything before. Only once as a little kid was my birthday really celebrated. I was maybe 4 or 5 and my mom had a friend from work who shared my birthday so he came over for dinner and she had a cake with both our names on it and he gave me a toy guitar and strung it up left handed for me. Then a couple of weeks later my mom threw it out because “music is the work of the devil” and all that. At some point when […]
Fuck my life….
I know it sounds very cliche. I know everyone says it all the time.
I super hate myself right now.
I can’t believe that depression is ruling over me.
I feel like my conscience is trapped somewhere in my mind.
Illogical feeling rules my body.
I used to think that I can overcome any obstacles. Little did I know, I was super naive. When my freedom has been taken away from me, I broke….
like a fragile glass being smashed to pieces.
My dad passed away in March. He left so many unfinished business and also a huge sum of debts. I was […]
It would be immoral for me to have kids. To bring them to this meaningless world, full of pain, sorrow, death, hardship, work, illness etc. The good, happy moments of life pass away in the blink in the eye, while the bad moments of life seem to be much longer. The unhealthy things in life seem to be the things that bring us the most joy. People constantly looking for any sort of distraction or getaway such as weed, alcohol, love to make them escape from this terrible world momentarily. This generation is glued to their electronic devices because it is simply a more enjoyable alternative […]
According to the dictionary definitions of freedom include:
a : the absence of necessity, coercion, or constraint in choice or action
b : liberation from slavery or restraint or from the power of another : independence
I been thinking a lot about these two definitions. Take definition A For example – when people denies your right to choose or passes legislation to prevent choice (especially in terms of right to die), isn’t that coercion? Isn’t that constraint in choice or action? Look at example B – isnt the human condition in of itself a form of slavery? We are restrained by the laws of nature, and […]
I’ve been feeling suicidal for the best part of 3 months now, but the last couple of weeks have been extremely difficult.
I feel like the thoughts are controlling me rather than me being in control of them.
Before, I was thinking, oh i’ll do THIS and THIS is when i’ll do it etc etc.
But recently I’ve been struck by impulsive thoughts where I feel if I drift off for that second too long that I’ll jump in front of a car. I parked my car at work yesterday morning, then found myself stood against the wall of the car park leaning over wondering if I jumped […]
Hi. It’s just me complaining and rambling again.
(When I tried to register here, I never received a welcome email. Finally, in desparation, I requested a password reset. That came through. I’m glad I was able to login, but there’s a particularly poignant feeling of rejection when you try to register for a community like this and an expected email does not come through. Presumably the spam folder ate it, so it’s my own fault. I add this only as an anecdote.)
I always expect my work performance to drop when I’m feeling worse, and it does, but it’s still within the realm of acceptability.
I notice the drop in my stats, or the stagnation […]
My first job has me so stressed out I don’t even want to go and I’m tempted to give the keys back and say I’m not going to open in the mornings anymore but I probably won’t do that just yet. It feels like I’m going to get fired they have been getting pissed at me over a lot of little things and this time it’s major (to them) and they are highly pissed. 1. There’s 3 people here, two owners and me, their only employee. 2. From day 1 they have operated under the policy that I don’t need to know anything until I’m […]
Why are we all feeling rubbish? Because the masses don’t consider ‘deep’ thinking issues, many around us don’t see the interconnectedness of us all, the importance of nature of a healthier way of living.
Why don’t we all work together to try to overcome some of these issues – we all have in common? Instead of feeling isolated and rubbish, can we not somehow become more empowered?
day two, figured I should try a second post just to get out there again. Appreciate all the support from people. Today is a little better, still feel like someone pissed in my cheerios but still better than yesterday. Don’t feel as bad as yesterday and can focus on my work a bit more. Still just feels like same shit different day though but I’m trying to work on it.
The only reason I’m still alive right now is because I’m scared it won’t work or it will hurt. I know how I want to go, but it isn’t a guaranteed death…there’s the fact that I may be found, and there’s the fact that I just get really sick instead of dying. I’ve been researching to see if my method will really work or if I’ll just lay there forever with a messed up stomach. If I could be sure that I would just slowly leave, I would do it in a heartbeat.
I’ve said goodbye to everyone I need to. Only two people picked up […]
So I’m the type of person who is super neat and clean and always does work before play. I’m really good about getting my homework etc. done ahead of time, and pretty much love to work really hard with everything I do and tend to be an overachiever. I have had a bad day or two every now or then where I just slack off because I’m not in the mood or my depression is just getting the best of me, but its never held be back like this before. my rooms a mess, I haven’t touched my homework in a week or so and […]
This is my first post on this site so I am not used to this type of thing. Getting to the initial point, I was always the outcast in my home town, by both my family and in high school. Everyone else at school was happy and I never was able to make any friends through my 4 years. I told my family about this and they told me that it was me, I was called antisocial and a loser and all that. I believed them, I still do to this day. I don’t want to go into all the details of what went down […]
im really hurting today. i know my health issue doesnt have to be permanent, and that when i save up money, or get the right doctor, i can be fixed. except im poor and live in a small city. i am very educated, but work in a poor job. im 30. im tired.
Sorry for posting again. Slow day at work. Just saw him repost more meme about love/sex/etc. and that one that says “masterbation keeps you from fucking the wrong person” and that really fucking cuts like a knife down to my soul! I don’t think I’m the wrong person or bad for him at all as much as I do to show I truly care!!!!!
I feel like life holds no purpose for me. I want to die. Everyday i wake up and ask myself is it over. Why did God make me so inadequate? I hate being here. So many times I’ve tried to end my life. They don’t work. I cut but the hurt still finds its way back. I can’t live with feeling unloved. Unheard. Misunderstood. Alone. Confused. Hated. It hurts being me. I smile but no one knows how much it takes to do that. I make it look easy but its not. I just need someone to help before i make the next step. I […]