i was so depressed and stressed that i made myself sick. i was in and out of the doctor for 4 years. i was throwing up almost everyday for 4 years. i had an ulcer. i had headaches all day and night. i was so depressed that i became sick. it is a sickness but i did not realize my depression was the reason for my illnesses. i thought i was dying, i thought something was really wrong with me when in reality it was just my mind. it was me making myself sick and in a way i new it. i figured if i […]
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Growing up i had a really rough life. i was never happy, even as a kid. i have thought about killing myself before, many times actually, and i have tried once before but i stopped myself. I try to stay happy but it is really hard for me. i have been through a lot. my family has put me through a lot, my old friends have put me through a lot. i am trying so hard to be happy. i am 18 years old and i feel so broken and destroyed. my family has destroyed me. i break down everyday and i just find it […]
i tried again today, but i still didnt cut deep enough. one day ill get it done i just have to keep working up the courage. i cant live like this anymore and no one will help me, people just want to make it worse. nothing else is really on my mind just plans to commit suicide. i have three, 2 i can work on while im here. one i have till the end of the month, then i wont have a choice (like i ever did). i cant go back to that place i have to die, because i know i cant stay here. i […]
To think that she would like me. Who would? Or could? I can’t and won’t.
I was almost convinced she did.
I tried to get to know her, slowly it was working, she appeared to be reciprocating; smiling, laughing etcetera. After a while we got to texting. It was nice for a few messages but then she told me she had to call her boyfriend.
Ripped.
Ripped my heart out, though it’s not her fault and I don’t blame her. I just thought we had stuff in common and we’d get along.
Every one said we’d be good together.
I guess she’ll haunt my dreams […]
It’s a weird thing isn’t it. For example, browsing the internet and seeing a picture that’s kinda funny, but nothing that really warrants more than a quick sharp exhale out of your nose. But you see it and laugh a little…and then keep laughing. You forgot how good it feels to laugh, the feeling of joy no matter how brief. And you keep laughing and laughing to the point where you have to bite your tongue so you stop looking weird. But it doesn’t work. You haven’t laughed in so long because of the problems in your life, but here you are, giggling like a […]
So I haven’t written in this blog for a while. Why? During my time away from this my depth of depression sunk deeper as I found that the world around me continue to push me aside, saying I was no longer physically able to work in my chosen fields. And since I was not working, that ment my knowledge of those fields was no longer of value.So it was best, they said in unspoken words, that I sit at home and wait to die.
So that’s what happened, but as I sat at home in physical pain from my chronic illness and the emotional pain […]
My story started when I went to high school. Everybody thought it was a fantastic place, well… not for me. It was a fiery pit of nothing. Nobody liked me and I didn’t like anybody, I was a loner. I was constantly bullied but the bullies didn’t realize they were bullying me. To them it was teasing, it’s not teasing when someone’s feelings get hurt. Then again being a teenage girl, it doesn’t take much to hurt my feelings. Anyway, I kept getting “teased” and one day I walked out of my classroom and ran into the girls’ bathroom. Unfortunately I was found by the […]
The boy sat alone in a dark room.
The world around him simply moved on.
The boy saw it happen, but he did not care to stop it
He had become a separate entity.
Something in the outside.
Outside
The outside was dismal, dark, crushing
He only returned there for the sick pleasure the pain gave him
He knew it was dangerous
He knew the risks
From the outside he watched home, and the world continuing without him
He saw it all and was almost content.
Almost.
He saw it, hell, he looked down upon the world he once knew
But the part of him that belonged there.
It longed to be home.
The boy realized his mistake.
He […]
Damn. This night my mom and dad and the rest of my family got together to watch this video about this guy who grew up in poverty and now he’s a doctor or something. My moms like all “you guys are so smart and have so much potential. Your sister in college is working so hard studying and u guys need to work hard to”. She doesn’t get it. I’m an unbalanced human. You know those character in the games that you have to distribute the points to different characteristic for there intelligence, strength, etc. I’m so unbalanced. I’m pretty smart and pretty athletic, but […]
I am still here.
It seems as if it is just one disappointment after another. I have everything I need to “punch in my ticket,” yet instill I hesitate. My friend said something is keeping me here, keeping me from committing the final deed. I don’t know what it is but I want to find it. I am tired of the monotony of life and just want to be okay again. I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist on and off for about three years now and it doesn’t seem like it is working. I don’t feel intense emotions anymore and all I do is sleep […]
I’m contemplating, stewing, thinking, and I can’t see any exits. I’m poor; well-educated (I have two Bachelor’s degrees in different fields) but not in the right fields, too old to retrain in a new field, and crushed beneath a depression that I can’t get out from under. Soon I’ll be evicted, and my car will be repossessed; I’m in arrears on both, despite working every day. I can’t afford my anti-depressant medication. I can’t afford therapy. I’m divorced, have been for a while, and haven’t been on a date in years (not for lack of trying, but I’m a bit heavy, and I have the […]
This will be a long one seeing how this is the first time (and hopefully last) that I have done something like this. I suppose I shall start at the beginning, I have always been a loner even from birth it would seem, my mother used to tell me that even at a young age I would hardly play with my peers. Even into my adult years to this day I prefer to be alone, only getting enough human interaction to keep me sane. My father went into the military around the time that I was five and with being in the military comes the […]
Recently I started working in a call center, I have worked there for two weeks. As someone who is severely depressed and has been suicidal for a long time, I just can’t handle it. I repeat the exact same thing on the phone for 10 hours a day. I have worked plenty before and it wasn’t my favorite thing to do but I could handle it. This job is just so mindless and depressing and repetitive that I can’t stand to be there anymore. When I’m there all I think of is killing myself and how much I hate it and mind-numblingly awful it is. […]
I don’t know but it’s some place I didn’t ever imagine I’d be. I always felt like I got dealt a shit hand in life and that no matter what I did nothing good would come my way. I half ass tried and dragged ass through life aimlessly, I couldn’t even be bothered to care about myself. I guess I never truly felt loved or wanted so maybe on a subconscious level I felt I didn’t deserve to feel that for myself. I cared and loved in all the wrong ways for all the wrong people. I got hurt so bad that it felt like […]
I can’t even think. I feel dead inside. There’s always a reason to keep me down. SROs are like prisons that you pay market rate apartment rent for, to have a prison cell sized room, be controlled, moniotred, have your belongings rummaged through every othe day, and aren’t allowed to have visitors beyond common areas. Fuck that. I hope I don’t get in. I’m going to put an end to this shit soon.
I don’t even feel as in love as I once did. He kind of pisses me off that he can complain about his life and problems, even posting on Facebook that he wanted […]
honestly i’m just so fucking tired of everything.
i’ve gone past the stage of feeling depressed, to the feeling empty and numb inside. everyday, i’m walking around like a zombie, my mind blank and not really listening to anything, yet on the outer side, i seem to be laughing and socialising. and it wows me just how much a smile can hide. haha.
what future do i have in life? everyday, it’s just the same thing over and over again, if you’re a student, going to school, coming back home, occasional trips out with your friends, if you’re a working adult, going to work, coming back home, […]
ok everyone needs to back up and calm down here for a second. Wndozh8er must have removed his last post because others here are accusing him of seeking attention and playing the victim. He was hurt and so was I over something personal just between us, but we working out the differences and it’s no ones business but ours. Just please don’t hate on him or change your opinions of him because he speaks what’s on his mind. He is not and never has been a drama starter or attention whore. Please stop treating him as such and posting stuff about it. He’s a huge support […]
Okay so I’ve always been able to see futuristic events in my dreams. My great grandmother could, my mom could and now I can. Here lately my dreams have been very foggy.. I keep having the same dream just the time and place is switched around. I’m having dreams that my soon to be husband is cheating on me or just deciding to leave me. I’m always even in my concise mind afraid of this actually happening. I’d talk to him about it but I’m pretty sure he’s sick of hearing about it. He tells me every time he only loves me and […]
I was planning on dying this week. But I didn’t have the balls to do it, or the opportunity really. So now I’m alive, I haven’t exactly decided to live but yet here I am. Now I have no idea how to go forward. Work starts on Monday and I’m gonna have to be happy. can’t really be depressed around little kids. I’m scared. So scared to move on. I worked for a summer camp and did horrible, the lady implied that I shouldn’t be working with kids, yet here I am. All the jobs I have lined up for the fall are with kids. […]
My name is Kat and I’m a freelance writer working on a story about pro-suicide media. I was wondering if any of you have experiences with pro-suicide chat rooms/ forums/ sites that you might be open to sharing. I know this is a very sensitive topic, so no pressure whatsoever, but if you do feel comfortable sharing a story I would really appreciate the insight. Shoot me an email at curiousgoth26@gmail.com. Thanks for your help!