the last time i posted here my mom had just passed away. that was november 18. january 13 my dad died. to say i am overwhelmed would be an understatement. the monumental task of dealing with one unexpected death becomes herculean with two. at age 45 i am essentially an orphan. and i feel so alone. the busyness of making funeral arrangements, visitation, funeral etc etc gives way to the utter loneliness and despair of everyday life. everyone goes back to their lives. everyone just tries to go on like nothing ever happened. they forget. i wish i could. i got sent home from work […]
Tag:
would be
Ghosts in the photograph
never lie’d to me.
I’d be all of that
I’d be all of that.
A false memory
would be everything.
A denial my eliminent.
What was that for?
What was that for?
What would you do
if you saw spaceships
over Glasgow?
Would you fear them?
Every aircraft,
every camera,
is a wish that
wasn’t granted.
What was that for?
What was that for?
Try to be bad.
Try to be bad.?
Maogwai.
what is life? A time voyage that only consists of people being alone, of people being forgotten, broken, left? I feel so alone and like theres no one there for me… I feel broken. Am i broken? Why does everyone leave my sight, my life ? Its like i put all this time into people and im the nicest person to everyone when they need something but right when you are broken they leave and tell you all these crazy shit. Do any of you guys just wonder what this life would be without you like if it would be better or not? Cause i […]
I was feeling good until a few minuts ago. My brother made a coment about how im no better then the trash im laying in. I still know they dont love me and they will never love me or forgive me. They think yhey have me fooled but i still know, i always figure it out eventually. They think i dont think about them. I guess saying to myself that it would be easier for them when im not around counts as not thinking about them. I know its true. I always have to think about them know that they will never care about me […]
I think some things are triggers. Sports for example. I used to love riding, and I still do, but trips to see my horses and traveling to shows have resulted in suicidal thoughts. I keep thinking about how I would do it. Some days, I don’t think I could stand by the train tracks and stop myself from jumping in front of the incoming train. There is only one thing that keeps me from doing this: my horses. I can’t stop imagining the look on Prince’s face when my parents tell him I’m not coming any more. He won’t get anymore cookies from me. He […]
Ffs… Just heard from my ex, the train wreck, that he had some gf for the last two years. After talking to me again like we’re oh so close friends??? I don’t know why it bothers me. He’s the one I call a dead fish. No passion or romance. And I never hear from the guy I truly loved. I bet I’ll never see him again. I don’t fit in to his world. I want to say more, but feel it would be too wrong. Just something else that makes me sick and pissed off. What the fuck happened to this world? I don’t look […]
I can’t let go of the past. Who I am. What I’ve done. The thoughts I’ve had. The things I’ve seen, and felt. It is me. It’s how I make sense of the world. If I could just wipe the slate clean – go off and be a happy, functional person. But there are reasons why I am where I am. A person can’t exist without a past – an explanation of why they are how they are. Maybe if I got amnesia – or could change my memory somehow. Convince myself that I’m not here because I’m screwed up beyond all belief, but because […]
We were so close and we promised we would be there for each other — no matter what. If you are reading this: please come back to me, I love you.
It’s sad.
I feel sad.
These last 4 days (counting today) have been so tiring. I’ve been so emotionally drained it’s ridiculous.
And it’s all because of a guy.
A guy that doesn’t even know my name.
And the worst is, I don’t even think he wants to know.
I know his; I know what grade he’s in; what lunch rotations he has, yet he knows nothing about me.
What I’m questioning is why I can’t seem to let it all go.
I want to let it go but it feels like as if there’s nothing I’m holding on to.
I like him. I do. But he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t […]
So I was brave, and went to my doctor for help. I did it. And since I did that, my friend who took space came back and is being completely supportive again. Which is good. We’ve actually talked a lot more then we did before, and it’s not always so dark like it was. I have actually been able to help him with stuff he is dealing with. So that front has been good. And he’s been honest, the only thing he won’t stand by and watch is me constantly not going to appointments and missing 3 months worth. And he said he would be […]
Also worthy of mention is a clique among the suicidal for whom the meaning of their act is a darker thing. Frustrated as perpetrators of an all-inclusive extermination, they would kill themselves only because killing it all is closed off to them. They hate having been delivered into a world only to be told, by and by, “This way to the abattoir, Ladies and Gentlemen.” They despise the conspiracy of Lies for Life almost as much as they despise themselves for being a party to it. If they could unmake the world by pushing a button, they would do so without a second thought. There […]
Im a mother of three. I wish that was enough to keep all the sadness and thoughts to end it away but it doesn’t. I actually feel they would be better off! I love them so much but I have no desire to continue. They r the only reason im still here though! I would miss them tremendously.
The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill himself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the […]
Is it bad that I’m not sad ? She wants to die and I hope she can soon . She is handicap so she only sits on her bed all day . And the fact that she hid her breast cancer until now shows she wants to die . Of course I would be sad if she died , but she would be in peace . Her husband and all her friends are dead so she doesn’t have much left .
I know she’s annoyed to be in the hospital . I’d rather her be home . But the breast cancer is so bad … […]
What would your answer be?
For me, Earth would be a great place to live if all was fair, equal, and just.
Older Posts