May 19th, 2013by SadSteve
I’m bored so….The first time, I was 14, I was scared to death my dad had a meeting at the school and he was going to find out I was flunking out. Â I went into the cabinet and poured a bunch of Aspirin into my hand and swallowed them. Â I laid in bed and closed my eyes. Â This was my most sincere attempt because at the time thats what I knew, I had heard on TV (lots of times) about overdosing on pills. My teenaged brain didn’t have the defense mechanisms it has today. Â All that happened was I ended up sleeping for 14 hours and then running away when I woke up. Â 15 years later my life was again unbearable. Â This time I had my own house. Â By now I had learned through media that sitting in your running car in an enclosed garage would put you peacefully to sleep. Â This time my objective was to kill myself so that the pain would end and certain family members would feel the pain that I felt they were inflicting on me. Â Unfortunately my brain didn’t allow me to sit in the car for longer than 15 minutes or so as I continued to see images of my 4 year old nephew and newborn niece. Â So I stayed alive, eventually I got on anti-depressants (for awhile) and fought through to now 10 years later where I find myself again looking up things like suicide by bbq and reading and writing on the suicide project. Â But I know I cant do it. Â My niece and nephew are awesome but their mom has kicked me out of “her” family. Â I feel like this will pass but I dont know for sure and when. Â So now I just am. Â I just sit and look at the wall, the ceiling, out the window. Â I get bored and check the 2 or 3 things that mean nothing on this computer. Â I’m never hungry but I’m always looking in the fridge, I usually just drink some water. Â I guess I’m going to go back to couch now and do the only thing I can do, close my eyes and dream of being in a better place, even though I know those thoughts will be interrupted by the real thoughts that I’m alone and even my own family hates me.