Last night, I got a long hug. And someone listened to me.

Someone really helped me. It’s long, but I want to put it into words and share.

Yesterday I felt extremely lonely. Devoid of all emotion. I just…couldn’t feel anything at all.

Almost anything. Just when I looked in the mirror and saw age spots and gray hair on someone so young it just showed the fighting I’ve been doing and stress of my life. At that moment I felt anger, worthlessness, and wasted years. It was like all of the emotions I’ve felt were physically manifesting themselves as a cruel reminder, every time I look the mirror – looking back at me.

I was thinking about suicide…again…but I just felt such a lack of motivation to do anything. To move. To eat. To wake up. But somehow, like a robot, I still managed to get some work done.

I feel like I am a burden to everyone.

And although it’s hard to understand that people care about me, it’s not impossible.

Last night, after I came home from meeting a client, my wife, who also works a full time job, gave me a hug. She didn’t say much. Just that she was happy I was still alive. She was worried all day, that she’d come home and find me dead or receive a call from the police. She just hugged me tightly.

After that she didn’t say anything. I couldn’t hug her back. My arms just at her side. My head just fell on her shoulder. My eyes open. Staring at the corner of the room. Shifting my weight from one leg to the next as each one become tired from supporting my lifeless body. Her arms were the only thing holding me up. If she had let go, I would have fallen to the floor.

And we just stood there. She used her arms, to lift my arms to her shoulders. But she didn’t tell me to hug her. Gravity naturally pulled them back down to my side.

We stood like that for maybe 30 minutes. My legs got tired and I finally said the first words to her all day: “I want to sit down.” I had finally regained the energy to speak.

We sat on the couch. It was already 10:00 P.M. Neither of us had had dinner yet. But she sat with me. She didn’t leave. About 15 minutes we sat in silence, but she comforted me with her arms. She asked me a couple questions and I finally got the energy to respond with one or two words, albeit in an almost inaudible voice.

Eventually, her feelings got through to me. I began talking. And she really listened. And she hugged me. And really told me how she felt.

Maybe for the first time I felt how sad she would be if I was gone. I love her and don’t want to make her cry, but I also don’t want to be a burden. I hate seeing her cry. But her actions showed me that I’m not at burden, unless I am sad. As long as I am happy, she’s happy. And that made me a little happy. Maybe for the first time in several years, I believed it. I believed that someone really did care.

Even after a hard day at work, she took the time to hug me…comfort me…listen to me. To sympathize with me. To share her feelings over and over and over. Took her time from her day. I don’t want to burden her by making her spend her time to do that.

After that, she helped me a little with my work, even though it was almost midnight.

I felt…I want to stop cutting myself. For you. Because I can see that you really care about me. It’s not easy to see that, for me. But I could see it through my sadness and emptiness. Something was there. I still don’t know why she loves me so much. I’m such a mentally screwed up person and she knows all my deepest and darkest thoughts, but for some reason accepts me. I can’t understand why. It’s crazy, but she does.

I thought…I don’t want to die. For you. I’ll stay here for you. As long as you’re here for me, I’ll be here for you.

She said “I just want you to be happy.”

It was the first time in my life that someone said those words and I believed that. I heard them one time before from my father, but I can never trust him. It was when I left to live permanently in another country. I think his lack of objection and simple “I just want you to be happy” was actually “good riddance”. But I’m not a mind reader. I don’t really know.

What’s the moral of this story? Maybe you feel “It’s nice that you have at least one person who cares about you!”

But, I had felt that no one cared about me. I had felt it for so long. A part of me still feels it. But there was 1 person who cared about me. And that one person showed it to me and that really helped me.

So, I think there must be one person who cares about you, but you don’t know it yet. Or you haven’t met them yet.(When I first met my wife she was the complete opposite of my “type” and I thought “there is no one in hell I’ll ever date that person! But somehow I did…and I realized how great she really is.)

Or, there is someone in your life that you care about, but you haven’t shown them. If you have someone who is depressed, lonely, or sad….just give them a hug. It doesn’t matter how long it takes. It might be a 30-minute hug. It might be more. Sit and just listen and comfort them. The feeling of “Hey, someone actually does care!?” doesn’t come quickly. But it’s not impossible.

Hug someone and listen to them. Show them you care.

And I send a virtual hug to everyone who reads this. I hope that even a small part of my feelings could reach you.