My suicide story

All my life I knew something was different about me… Maybe it was how self conscious I became when my parents couldn’t afford to have more than one or two outfits that fit me when I was little. Or maybe it was how hard my mom tried to make my brother and I happy, but my dad always tore her down.. Maybe it was my parents always being to busy to come to any of my school concerts and events? Maybe it was just me? All I know is that through it all, no matter who I have around me, trying to support me.. I always feel alone. Alone to the point where I barricade myself in my room and make myself believe noon care, that no one would be effected if I was dead..

The truth is about 6 month ago I came home from school early and felt so hopeless, alone and worthless that I attempted to take my own life. I layed in that empty house, on the kitchen floor swallowing pill after pill. After I got scared, I saw some hope… I called my boyfriend in tears “I messed up I need help” I kept repeated my self but I was cry I so much that he couldn’t understand I guess.. He just hung up. After I heard no one on the other line of the phone, I knew no one would be affected if I was gone, and that it would be easier.

I went down to my room and layed down in bed and prepared myself to go to sleep and never wake up. As I layed down I felt numbing in my arms and legs and new the pills were starting to kick in, I closed my eyes. I don’t know how much time passed but I soon found myself being awakened by two men in uniforms. I couldn’t feel my body and the room was spinning. I was being helped into a wheel chair to go to the hospital and I was told my parents were going to meet me there.

I can’t remember much closer from this point on, they pumped my stomach and soon had me laying in a bed and I was starting to feel my body again.  There was so much noise and bright lights, but that’s all i can remember. Soon my mom, my dad and my grandma all came to see me. When my dad walked into the cubicle in the emergency room all I could see and feel was how disgusted he was with me.. I was scared.

Next thing I new, I was in my own room at the hospital talking to a nurse. At this point I was very high from all the pills I took and felt like I was floating everywhere I went. The nurse who met me at this room was the kindest lady I’ve ever met, and I really felt I could relate to her. I told her about my dad, and how he screams and yells and makes it clear i am of no use to anyone on this planet. Then my parents came up to the room and the nurse left. As soon as she left and my dad opened his mouth all I could think was “why am I still here”. He was yelling at me about how dumb I am in the hospital room.. Soon the doctors and nurses came and asked him to leave. My mom stayed for about 15 minutes I think but soon she left too.

I was in the hospital for 5 days before I was released. I had my mom and my dad visit 2-3 times a day and two of my “friends” who I no longer speak to because they are self centered bum holes visit once.

Lately I’ve been asking myself why I didn’t die that night, it sure would’ve been easier.