So my boyfriend an I had this huge fight yesterday. Â We both made a deal that if I didn’t cut myself he wouldn’t smoke cigarettes or cigars. Â But over the weekend, he smoked a flavored cigar with his friends. Â While I realize that it was to celebrate a good weekend, he still broke his promise. Â Yes, I realize that we all mess up and make mistakes, but just the fact that he didn’t tell me about it pissed me off. Â I even confronted him about it and he fucking went off on me about being mad! Â So I went into the bathroom (this happened at […]
Rants
After typing up a ridiculously long post yesterday, I felt better. I actually did, the writing seemed to flow out from my very soul and the pain diminished. However, that only lasted for a few hours.
And then the urges came again, you know the ones. The one that tells you to end it, not for yourself but for those around you. You are not worthy of their love, all you’re doing is dragging them down with you. They don’t deserve this. The last one, I’ll admit. They do not deserve this. And that’s why they don’t know the full extent of my depressive state.
Instead of […]
So I may have stumbled on something very interesting,anger and sorrow seem to have the same effect on others just in a different way. For example a bank robber would use anger as a tool to get what they want. Sorrow people seem to want to comfort you and even when doing it unintentionally or not they will seem to do stuff to reach out to us to get us out of the pitch black pit which we suffer from.
And I have come to the conclusion I cannot continue or bear my university classes anymore. I am done with everything. I am done with my fucking life. I have purposely sabotaged everything I have been working for so I could find myself closer to committing because I don’t want to live. My entire life has been the most mundane and horrible life imaginable, everyday is like groundhogs day basically.
I promised myself sometime last week that I will kill myself sometime in June or May, but I may decide to live longer if Britney Spears announces some news about her 8th album and/or releases her lead single off […]
I have always been a lost child in the wonders of how this world work, felt different, alone, unwanted. My perception of life was so different from others to the point I was unsure what the definition of life was… to me life was what we based it on what we create of it, not repetition and constant drills to form us into all similar beings. I never understood peoples fascination with money when I was younger, it was paper… why did people fight over it. As I grew I started becoming more frustrated with the world in lack of understanding the point of it […]
Sometimes I wake up, lay in bed and just think I want to die then spend the next couple of hours thinking about how to do so. Sometimes I wake up and feel a little hope. And sometimes I wake up and I can’t help but think of last nights nightmare. My dreams are so uncomfortable and horribly vivid. They’re so vivid that I think about my dreams through out the whole day because they’re so uncomfortably real that I feel like it happened… Anyways throughout the whole day I’m just an emotional roller coaster I’m fine, I’m sad, I’m crazy, I’m hopeful (this is […]
I really can’t take it. I just want to take a break. I just want to be happy. I don’t want to try and live like this anymore. I tried okay? I tried so hard to focus on life. And I just can’t reach it. Even though I’m young, I’ve never felt this pain ever before. It hurts as bad as hitting by a truck. I want to cry, but all I have is a mask that covers me when I’m badly injured. I told them, I was fine, just felt kinda tired for sleeping too late. But no. I tried everything to end this. […]
Depression hits us all, I think. There’s not a single person I have spoken to that hasn’t felt it’s clammy hands around their soul. It seems to be caused by many things, from big life changing events, to small things that just build up and knock a person off their feet eventually. Â I’ve had it time and and time again, but usually managing to shake it off like a wet dog. Â This time however, it’s crippled me.
I’ve seen death burn through a families hope, I’ve felt that pain. I got through it.
I’ve felt the devastation of a loved one no longer loving you. I got through […]
I think I might actually go through my suicide plan and it scares me. I want to raise chickens. I want to be married and I want to adopt a child. I want to run half-marathons, get a cat, have a job, and to enjoy the holidays.
But I am so tormented by my own thoughts. I am in a prison, trapped by disgust and self-hate. I am 28 years old and have nothing about me that is lovable. On Friday, I spent about 8 hours binging and purging. On Saturday, I ate food from under the bed, and then headed off to an undergraduate dining […]
Like the title says, this is just a rant about my trials and tribulations. I don’t really know if posting my story will be of any use to anyone but I just couldn’t leave this world without anyone knowing about it. I guess someone should know, even if they don’t really know me. But in all honesty I don’t know if anybody really knows the real me. I wear a mask and pretend to be “normal”. So nobody really knows. They’ll probably never find out either because this page doesn’t link to me in any way. But I figured somebody should know my story and […]
When you’re all alone, and there’s nobody to hold you,
you cry, you weep, all by your lonesome.
When there is nobody to care, and you’re swalloed into despair, you give up. Ready to see what’s really up.
Scream and cry, swallow and die.
Sleeping pills that were supposed to take your life.
Wake up with an IV in your arm, people asking questions whether you’re into self harm
Drinking charcoal, in a hospital gown.
They shouldn’t have saved me. What the Hell do I do now?
They put you in a mental hospital when you’re released from the hospital.
Sleep in a bed with lumps, shower in a gray bathroom.
I was there for […]
I’m Meta and I’m in constant emotional and mental pain. But this pain is caused by myself, my mind is just not right. I’ve been depressed ever since I could understand what the word meant. I was born in Indonesia but moved to the states when I was four to go to school here. My whole life I had to deal with culture differences.  I’ve tried to commit suicide in 8th grade, but in reality I knew it wasn’t going to work, it was a cry for help. I’ve been on anti-depressants for many years, but they haven’t seem to be working. Earlier in the year […]
I had a bad day today at school I didn’t feel too good about myself and I feel like I deserve a good cry after it. I was in gym when a group of kids in my class asks a boy “would you ever go out with her?” Â he responds “hell no!” and the kids laugh and say “do you think she’s cute?” and he replies ” she looks like sh*t”. I remember being bullied in the sixth grade it was like no matter what I did nobody liked me and kids would kind of say mean things to me and I had no friends […]
Hello everyone ! I’m doing this project i call ‘Tell me your story’. I did a facebook page & a blogspot. But I need YOUR help to make this work.I want to provide a way for everyone to interact with each other. This is how it works. You tell me your story, I tell everyone else. You could be known or stay on anon. It’s all up to you. What matters is that your story will be heard. People will know that you exist. You will leave a trace that you once existed. You will help other not do the same mistakes you did or […]
So one of my favorite sports is boxing. It’s pretty unusual for a girl apparently, but I’m a pretty unusual girl. I’ve fallen in love with it. I’ve been boxing since I was small. Almost everyone in my tiny little town did. I guess things are much different in America than I thought.
All the guys at my gym are perverts and sexists. (It doesn’t help that we wear sports bras and gym shorts.) I walk into the ring and I’m greeted with whistles and comments.
Does anyone do anything about it? Does anyone tell them to knock it off or to grow up?
No. I have to […]
Hi suicide project people.
I haven’t written in awhile. I have since my last post, given in to taking medication, and got a new therapist. I am spending a lot of money on therapy and psych appointments and medication. I am still depressed. Still lonely. And the only person that makes me feel better (a little) is not really interested in getting to know me. I am disorderly attached to someone at work, basically.
I have already expressed to this person that I’d like to get to know them outside of work and they sort of skirted around giving me an answer. They are nice tome  at work, but then when I leave work I dwell on whether or […]
I come here tonight to freely express my feelings and thoughts without the fear of being judged and with the hope that someone out there may understand. Okay ….let’s be honest, there’s still a shit load of fear, but I say fuck it.
I’m still having quite a rough time. My depression is weighing heavy in my head. Can barely lift it up. My isolation is at an all time high. The majority of my  “friends” are occupied anyway. I don’t feel like I have any true friends. But I’m sure my isolation had a big part in that. I just have no drive. I’m afraid […]
why even try to be happy you just end up being sad again anyways. I’m so tired of telling everyone I’m fine and when I decide to tell them I’m not being told that I’m just a selfish *****. whats the point to all of this? I’m just gonna die anyway why drag out the pain.
Here I am one year later. Why do I even try to kill myself.. Â Well, recently I haven’t really tried.. I’m bored of waiting to have an opportunity. I’m bored of wanting to die.. Most days are better then others and death seems too…. sigh.. death seems too what? too…. the same. Like everything on this place. Most of you guys want to die.. but what happens next? As long as you’re gone right.. What if there was no heaven or no hell. You’re just stuck in your coffin awake for eternity.. Would you regret.. Would you lose your mind? A month ago I had […]
I constantly ask myself: “Why can’t I just be normal?” I mean, I can’t go to school, but normal people can. I can’t call to someone, normal people can. I’m afraid to be outside alone or in the dark, normal people aren’t afraid for that. There are so many things that I wish that they were the same as ‘normal’ people. But probably I can’t be normal, but it’s hard for me to accept that…