Losing touch and scared

Hi Losing touch and scared

Firstly, you are not mad nor in need of locking up! What you are experiencing is the very real effects of PTSD. You are in deep pain, and that pain is causing you to feel what you have been feeling.

Let me start with my story: When I was sixteen, my family was involved in the anti-apartheid movement in South Africa. One day, my parents and a couple of other parents got threatening calls from apartheid forces that they would target their kids if they did not stop their anti-apartheid protests. A couple of days later, gunmen raided my school and three kids from anti-apartheid parents were killed – one of them I knew. I managed to escape when I heard the shootings, and ran to my aunt’s place near the school and hid under the bed for the whole day. I knew I could have been one of them.

For one-and-a-half years after that, I pretty much went numb, and felt that nothing mattered. I had similar physical effects – no real interest in food / exercise – I lost about 20 pounds. We moved from the city into exile in a small town, and I went to school there after homeschooling for about a year. The adjustment was horrible. Luckily, I met a priest who was also a psychologist, and he helped me through that time, but it took a long time (I made a suicide attempt a long the way, as well as problems with alcohol and weed). Still today, when I go the memorial of the three kids, I breakdown, especially when I see the birthdate of my friend – since he was born in the same month and year as me. I always think how it could have been me, and feel guilty.

Now back to you: Firstly, if I were to say everything would be OK, I would be lying. But I can say this: if you choose to work at this, it gets better. The first thing to realise is that your old “functional fairy tale” is not true anymore, and will never return. However, your current reality, where your life is not valuable and you feel duped that the world is good, while it feels so real now, is not the true picture. Instead, the world contains both good and evil, black and white, darkness and light. Your life from now on will be filled with both joy and pain – both will be real. While it feels only pain now, joy will slowly increase.

I recently went to Bali. Every statue of a god is covered with a cloth that is a checkered pattern of black and white to remind us of both in the world. In the Christian tradition of Easter, we have both the cross and its suffering, and the resurection and its happiness. Every religion has both elements, as they reflect the reality of the world.

If you had been physically injured in the tragic event, you would not have thought twice about seeing a medical professional, perhaps going to hospital for a while, maybe having to go through a long programme of physical rehabilitation to get right. You might also have had permanent scars to deal with, and you would have tried your best to ensure those scars impact your life in the least way possible, though you would have to learn to live with them.

It is exactly the same with emotional pain caused by a tragic event, though Western society attaches a stigma to mental health issues, and you don’t get as much support . You need to approach this issue as you would approach any health issue: I would talk to your psychiatrist about the numbness, what you don’t like about Lexapro, and most importantly about your suicidal feelings. Your psychiatrist may suggest you go to hospital, and I would urge you to go since you need to do all you can to get as emotionally healthy again.

I’ve been in a psychiatric institution on two occasions. While no-one likes being in hospital, I was very grateful for the time spent there. A hospital is very containing, and you always have someone to talk to. You will also likely meet people going through similar things. If you admit yourself with your psychiatrist, you will most likely be placed in a low care ward, which means you will have a lot of freedom of movement as long as you are co-operative on your medication and therapy. I found in my stay in hospital I could get the right medication and the right dosage, something that I found hard to do out of hospital. It helps that nurses and doctors monitor all the effects of your medication, and find the ones that work for you.

Please don’t attempt suicide though – it is not the most effective way to deal with the pain. The statistics on successful first attempts show that nineteen of every twenty attempts are not successful. So you have a good chance of surviving a suicide attempt. If you survive a suicide attempt, you will most likely wake up in a high care facility, where most of your freedoms are taken away. You won’t be able to take a shit without someone making sure you don’t try and drown yourself in the toilet bowl! I know, I’ve been there. You will also have to deal with every one’s anger, disappointment and mistrust of you, and you will have to work at repairing that along with all your other problems.

I hope I’ve been of some help to you. If you want to chat further, you can email me at drukdeur@live.co.za