I have spent nights with matches and knives,
leaning over ledges only two flights up.
Cutting my heart, burning my soul, nothing left to hold.
Nothing left but the blood and the fire
May 2011
Today I realized that the person who is supposed to care about me most is the person who can hurt you the most.
Today is my sister’s birthday and everything was going swell until I get on the bus to come home. My sister tells me that my boyfriend was asking her questions about me. Come to find out my grandmother who is the person I live with tells my boyfriend that I only want to use him for his money. I come home and she acts like nothing ever happened. She didn’t even acknowledge the fact I was crying or the fact that I never […]
I’m on a sinking ship, and I didn’t even realize it until most of it was under water. The worst part, I don’t know how to swim. I don’t know how to save myself, nor if I’m worth saving.
Empty frames on the floor
there’s nothing left to prove who I was before.
I’ll burn the pictures before I leave
and wipe my prints off from the scene,
The embers will help me to grieve.
I need a drink to take, to take me through the day
Sometimes I lie awake and think of my mistakes.
Was there ever a time we weren’t dying
and I wasn’t lying?
I know I fucked up the last two years of your life.
Empty boxes by the door, I’m throwing out all
the clothes that I once wore.
They just don’t seem to fit my shape right now.
My […]
Okay, so me and my ex(the one you guys all have been hearing about!) are trying to remain friends… We’ve been doing okayish but it’s so hard for me to accept the face that he .. doesn’t love me. Today he informed me that he was… well of something personal and I didn’t know what to say back.. I had to comment on it though and I said, “Do you usually let your friends know?”. I don’t know if he told me to make me feel like shit because we aren’t together anymore or what… I felt like crying when he said it too… On […]
To start off every day I feel worse and worse. Depression is eating away at me and meds are not helping. I was considering killing myself soon but I dunno… I was also hoping to become a therapist or a writer maybe if I live… I just want to know that some1 is out there who cares…
i stop on here everyday to make sure im still seeing the names i no making sure people are still here. I hope this site helps people i wanted to die but things are starting to fall in place for me my birthday is in a week and i have plans for the bruno mars concert and an indians game. Im very excited and i just got a raise and promotion and my sisters living with me again so im just very happy right now. i still have bad thoughts but i feel like things are starting to look up and i hope things do […]
Can’t people see the pain that we’re in? I don’t know about some of you but I just can’t stop crying. I’ll be on the train or on the bus or even sometimes in a lecture and I’ll just cry. And it feels like no one can see me or the pain.
I try and protect my mum from knowing what I’m  going through but shouldn’t she be able to tell that a little bit of me is dying everyday when I make the effort to get out of bed? And why is it when you ask for help, no one is willing to help you? […]
I feel better having chosen the time and place. I’ve had enough – I want out.
Time for action.
See my blog:
http://amaranth-parallelreality.blogspot.com/
For the Helium hood method to work with the “Balloon Time” Helium tank I found at my local party store, Â I read in The Final Exit that i need:
1) Plastic Tubing 2.1m with soft connectors.
2) Quick Release air-line fitting.
3) Gas jet regulator.
Does anyone know where I can find the correct parts? That will work with the Balloon Time party kit. Links to Amazon or Lowes/Home Depot would be greatly appreciated.
To anyone who knows of me / remembers me, I’m unfortunatly still here. I’ve barely eaten in about 2 weeks now bar a biscuit or two which made me feel completely sick.
I’ve taken to deeper cutting now, preffering to get a knife whenever I can and go real deep rather than just slash a little with scissors or like.. watching the inital cut and the blood flow just does something nothing else can do.
I had a bad session with my counselld or the other week which left me completely confused and I’m still in that confused state now. ‘do I want to die? what if […]
I’ve reached the end. My life hasn’t been completely miserable, but I have made plenty of mistakes and I have had many misfortunes. I can no longer endure the loneliness and the hopelessness. I can no longer cope with this world. I have reached the end.
Many will miss me. I love them all dearly. I wish I could tell them how much I love them. They will not understand and that saddens me even more. How can I say goodbye?
Thin lines on her arm
Hidden by her clothes
Cutting deeper and deeper
Because no one knows
Â
She’s just a girl
Not strong enough to stop
A strange addiction
Watching blood drop
Â
She loves the scars
She needs the pain
It frees her sad
It keeps her sane
Â
It’s never enough
To ruin her flesh
She moves up her arm
She inches towards death
Why put on a happy face when you feel like shet on the inside? Why laugh when you know it hurts. Does it seem fake to just let everyone not worry? Hidding everything from everyone. Do they not see the look of suffering laying across mine face. Even if you think its a sercet. When your down people will ask if something is wrong when you just shrub it off like its nothing. Do they not see the tears fall at night when i have nothing to leave for? Can anyone see what im hiding. The loneliness that space out from everything. It seems to […]
For years, I have been crying nearly every day. Sometimes with reason, usually without. Vomitting from stress, constant headaches, heartaches, only to be told that it all gets better when it really doesn’t. I’ve been waiting and waiting and trying new things, meeting new people, going new places, and it isn’t working, it isn’t helping. I’ve taken all your advice, tried all your prescriptions, met with all your therapists, psychologists, and it never worked.
And then I met him, and he would hold me at night when I cried myself to sleep. He made me meals even when I had no appetite. He helped me feel […]
I am tired, so tired.
I exist from chemical to chemical
in an attempt to regulate my life.
Soma to calm the agitation.
Vicodin for lightning anxiety. OC and Oxy for relief from the endless, anxious despair.
Then the prescribed help: Seroquel (for the screaming white noise); Tenex (for the electrical agitation).
Caffeine to boost back up –
to function, to pretend, to smile and move through the day
Desperately trying to get through,
to quell the desire to run screaming, yelling, throwing myself to the ground pulling out tufts of hair –
in protest against this horrific life of despair, this confined robotic life, the emptiness, the meaninglessness.
Instead, IÂ exist in the ‘quiet desperation’, Â from chemical to chemical – like […]
I KNOW that my depressed “squirrel in a cage” thinking is just (neuropathic) wiring. I KNOW that it will pass if I can put even one cell outside of myself and view myself with compassion, kindness and warmth. I KNOW that doing so will lighten the despair — sometimes just a shade or two, sometimes will brighten to the point that the despair is just a shadow. I know this and yet…I get so tired of the effort. So tired of life being so fucking hard, such a struggle.
I am so tired. I get so tired of trying to escape the drag, the anchor, of […]
i know i cant stop you if you really want to end it all but i can say this less then two weeks ago i was ready to end it too i had everything ready but i re though things and didnt do it and now lifes getting a lot better for me i got a great new boy friend who by the way was going to kill his self but insted he wound up doing a great thing that night:) i have pretty good grades in school now and i relize how much i would have missed out on if i did do that […]
Each tear that falls off my cheek is another painful memory. They are happy memories but they suddenly turned cold. Thinking about him makes my stomach turn. I cannot continue this.
I want death