I’m not some one who normally does this sort of thing but right now, I just need someone to understand. No-one else does. It’s not the first time I’ve battled depression, last time I was 15 and in boarding school. But then I got molested and this just set me off the edge. I guess I’m what you’d classify as a suicide survivor. I moved country and school and escaped my memories, but not my liking for pain medication. My counsellor believes that I use overdosing on pain meds as a form of self harming. But I had a good few years (without the self […]
May 2011
I lead a busy life. I train for my sport every day, I attend school, I have great friends. I have every right to be happy. Everyone I know describes me as the ‘joker’, the ‘one with a sense of humour’. I’m really smart, not often a year twelve student studying PE and Psych can manage straight A’s across all subjects.
For some reason in my subconscious mind I’m not allowed to have happiness. I have an eating disorder, I overtrain with my sport and I hate myself even more everyday. I hate my looks, my voice, my thoughts and most of all, I hate […]
Well I sit and sit every day and live the same boring life every day, the only thing that changes is how I feel from day to day, each day seeming like im weaker.
I will not poor out my childhood story and I will not talk about whats happened recently, I will leave it as boldly as that I did not have a childhood, did not know what it was like to have friends, not know what it was like to have a social life, did not know what it was like to feel loved, forgot how it felt like to have a family.
I am […]
they say the good die young and the evil live forever. I never used to believe that until I started putting the pieces together. The ones who treasure their lives and make the most out of It end up being taken away too soon whereas all us suicidal people or even people who are Fucked up Such as Corrupt people or Murderers and molestors live a long life. Maybe I should just “live” my life to the fullest. They say you gotta fake it Til u make it.
Than again.. Who am I kidding. I know I’m going to end up as depressed as I […]
Today, my Dad pointed out my new cuts, and than my brother saw.
Today, my mom had a 3 hour talk with me because she later found out.
Today, I had.. I had..
I have no opinion about what has happened.
Basically the moral of this passage..
Is that my Dad, Mum, and Brother found out that I cut.
I remember how when I was young I would at times cry my self to sleep missing my mother. She abandoned me when I was young. I told myself she had to be a pure person, despite all evidence to the contrary. And then when I got to know her, she turned out to be a golddigging whore in the guise of a religous woman who not only stole thousands  of dollars from her youngest daughter, but also married two men and mined both their bank accounts! My stepmother and father would sleep on their bed all day long (just like my mother) and watch […]
Hey you guys, I have not still heard from you two, hope you guys are okay.
I will write here everynight till I hear back from you, hope you two are good.
Every night I sleep I smile thinking of you two, if it wasn’t for you guys, I would never been here to able to go to sleep.
Tp
Should I continue to please you? Disregarding my own emotional needs. To continue on with this cyclic, self inflicted torture.
Or should I turn bitter, mould my trusting mind into a people despiseing, egotistical, sadistic fool. Who enjoys nothing more than to give others a taste of their own medicine.
Fuck it. Why should I have to decide. My own decieved mind shall create it’s own preference, it’ll decide on it’s own.
What would have to happen for the pain in your life to become bearable again?
I guess crying is the solution to everything.
I dont know how it keeps me sane,
but i guess i have no other chosed.
Days like these…
always brings the ugly out of me.
nothing more can take care of it.
No matter how many sympthic please i get
everything will be the same.
Saddness and depression
are mine enemy.
I dont want them to beat on me.
No matter how much it hurts.
I haven’t left the house in a week. I know that my friends are out there and that they care. I know I should be looking for a job or talking to a school adviser. Signing up for classes, grocery shopping, being productive, appearing happy, participating in life.
I just don’t care. There isn’t anything that can make me care. I know, I’ve looked for years. No motivation, no interest, no purpose or plan.
I’ve been casually researching the specifics of suicide. What happens medically when you hang yourself, short and long drop style. What happens internally when you overdose on different things. It makes it seem […]
@all the people i spoke to last night…lol…;I’m not saying i didn’t try, just, i’m still here. even saw the ex today, went as well as i could have hoped i guess, which wasn’t great at all. wouldn’t be fair to get back with her anyway, if she changed her mind and wanted to get back with me it would only be out of pity, so thats why she doesn’t know about any of this, wouldn’t be fair on her, especially as it’s not exactly her fault. but just thought i would say.
I want to die just to see if anyone would care. I want to die but I don’t want to be dead forever. I wonder if anyone would listen if I told them I that I wanted to die. Would anyone take me seriously? Or would they think nothing of it. Would they talk me out of suicide if they knew how depressed I am? Who is ”they” anyways, there’s no one I trust with any of this. Because people finding out about me is my biggest fear. I am too ashamed and embarrassed to talk about any of this. So right now […]
Well after writing “The Change.” the drama continued for hours. I finally decided to eat today. So i went to go grab a piece of bread and my dad started freaking on me and said i was a fat pig. Mind you i ate absolutely nothing at all. So i just walked in my room and ignored him and went back on my computer. Then a couple hours passed and i went out to show my dad my dream car to be friendly. Then of course, he yells at me. Then my mum goes why are there garbage cans in here, and i said i […]
Why why why why why????
why do you do this me? all ive done is love you
yes i start fucking rucks but how can I not when all you do is lie?
I ask you a simple fucking question and you ignore me
you’re one of the reasons I hurt myself.
You call me a fucking din for it, but i don’t care.
I only care for you. Yet, you lie and say you care to!
Do you fuck, you don’t give a shit! If you did care you wouldn’t fuck me over!
I just want to fucking stab you in the fucking face […]
I finished the note I want to leave for everyone to read after I’m gone. I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind looking it over and making sure it sounds alright. I’d appreciate any constructive feedback.
I want you to know more than anything that this wasn’t your fault. This wasn’t anyone’s fault. There wasn’t any one thing in my life that brought me here and this is something that has been building up for years. I’m so sorry that by doing this I hurt you. I don’t ever expect you to accept my decision, but I hope that this […]
What I mean.
When I was younger i was always so cheerful and energetic. Now, I’m just depressed and i want to have no part in anything. I really want to die. I can’t stand life anymore. I have tried numerous times to kill myself. Like cutting myself, drinking mouthwash hoping it would kill me or something, but it doesn’t. I always pray to God asking if he could just let me die.
Why I hate life so much.
For some reason everyday I’m always in trouble for no reason. My parents are always screaming at me and i didn’t understand why. It makes it worse for me […]
Funny enough it’s the title of a teen book I read in high school, that was over a decade ago. Today I decided to really just make it happen, drop everything move to somewhere else and just disappear. It’s the only alternative I can think of other than to either kill myself and become an alcoholic. I’m so sick of being tracked, everyone knowing where I am what I’m doing, social networking etc. I’ve set a date and will gradually ease out of my physical and digital existence. I don’t want to be found. Maybe it’s the recent news, but all these articles about how […]
The pain, feels good.
The blood, has been the best sight ive had.
I dont know why, I do.
But to me, It’s what i know best at.
I’m addicted to it, now. when i start i cant stop, It’s.
just so… soo…. un natural.
300 and counting. all these people who died in the south cuz of a tornado
i wish i was one of them. as horrible as that sounds… FML