I posted on here nearly a year ago, when I was fifteen. Well, I’m sixteen now, and things have not improved in the least.
My dad is still an angry, violent alcoholic. My mom still stands behind him. I still come home with outstanding grades, only to be put down by my parents, saying it still isn’t good enough. That I’m not even trying.
Here’s the thing; I actually haven’t been trying. I can’t anymore. The depression has turned. I used to cry a lot, and reach out to friends when I was at my worst. Now, I don’t feel much of anything. I have no motivation, no interest, no energy, no joy, nothing. I used to cut myself when I felt horrible. Now I cut far more often and deep, just to feel something. Anything.
I went through an anorexic stage, but even that has ended because I just don’t care anymore. I’m so sure I want to die. I’m just killing time until I get the chance to kill myself.
People think I’m fine. I smile. I laugh. I go out and get drunk at parties. I have a great boyfriend who treats me like gold. I have a few super close friends, and many other friends. I’m at the top of my classes. To anyone who doesn’t know what depression and apathy are like, I seem totally normal.
What isn’t normal is the constant thoughts of suicide. No matter where I am, or what I’m doing, or who I’m with, the back of my mind is running in over; “When should I do it? How should I end it? What should my note say? Is anyone going to even care? Why doesn’t anyone try to stop me? I can’t wait.” I have zero self-esteem, even if everyone says I’m thin, pretty, smart, cool, funny, sweet, etc. They clearly don’t know the real me. I guess I’m the only one that does.
Over the past several months, I’ve also dropped my ridiculous belief in God. I’m an atheist. I realize there is no God, no afterlife, nothing. When I die, I won’t be judged, or exist eternally. I will just be dead. My corpse will rot. My mind will shut off completely. It will be exactly what I want: nothing.
I really don’t have a point to all this. I just felt the need to write ot all down somewhere to share it. I’m planning to die this winter. I’m almost there. Nothing and no one can change mind. I’d love to hear people’s thoughts anyway.
10 comments
im really sorry about your home situation i dont know what thats like, but i do know what its like to seem ok on the outside but just want to die on the inside and honestly i think if you sat down with your friends and just told them what’s really goin on the inside they would want to help…im not against suicide though if you see that as your only option i wish you a nice death
I have told a few of my closest friends about my suicidal thoughts. I will summarize the responses.
My best friend: “Oh yeah, I feel that too sometimes. Anywaaayyy…” Zero help.
My other best friend: “Well, if you ever need to talk, I’m here.” That’s what I just did..?
My very close friend: “Aww… no… c’mon… You’re awesome. Just cheer up.” It isn’t so easy.
My close friend: “You’re too stubborn. I clearly can’t help you. So I’m not going to bother.” Ouch.
My boyfriend: “Nooooooooooooooo…” Useless.
But I appreciate that you respect my decision, and I hope I have a nice death, too.
So I went ahead and read your first post you mentioned. Seems like things are better now. First post you said everyone hates you, and you had no friends. This time you say you have a boyfriend who treats you like gold, and several super close friends, and many other friends. Surely that is an improvement. You say you have 0 self esteem but are at the top of your classes without even trying. Surely being that smart has to make you feel a little good about yourself. Is your family really that bad that you can’t find any joy in the rest? You didn’t mention your 2 sisters in this post do they still hate you? Do you really think no one would care if you died, how can you think that when you say you have super close friends and a boyfriend who seems to adore you, of course those people at least would care.
“Seems like things are better now.” Seems. This emptiness I feel now, despite things on the outside improving, is worse. All of the “good things” in my life just feel so superficial. Even if there are people who care, I don’t feel it. Even if I have a good time, I don’t feel it. No matter what, I only feel hollow and useless. In all honesty, I don’t even really want to die. I just have no desire to live anymore. Death could at least bring me to the nothingness I feel is best for me.
I’m going to ask you something. Please, don’t die. Yeah, your parents are total ass holes, and you do your best at everything and nothing good happens, well, what happens when something good IS suppose to happen to you in life? What if your future is better and you have the complete fairy tale? I’m sorry to say, I don’t entirely know what you’re going through, but I know the masking. I called it that because I have a different mask for every single person that I meet. My friends, I pretend that there’s nothing wrong with me so I won’t be alone, my teachers, I’m either very respectful or very rebellious, and my family, I just do what they want. Because of the masking, I don’t give a shit about life anymore, like you. I even got the date down to when I will die, who’ll get my shit, and the letters I will write and lives I will change before I die. That’s what I’m doing right here, right now. I’m trying to change your life, but mainly for you, because I don’t want you to die. You are one of the bravest people I will never really meet face to face because you lived through the shit of your parents, you tried to put on a brave face, even if it was for others, and you’re speaking out, trying to find the one person who’ll change your life. I know how it is, if you feel pain, you’ll get that small adrenaline rush, you’ll really feel alive. But when it’s gone, it’s got you wanting more. I know how it is, because I’ve been living with it since I was about eight. If no one cares if you die, can I? Because you don’t deserve this shit hole of a life, you deserve so much better, and we both know God won’t do a shitty thing about it, but you can. Please, DON’T DIE. Take a bus to the farthest corner of this place, get away from your life and start fresh, because having a new beginning is the most amazing thing that WILL help you. Turn your parents in, something that will help you to exceed in life, but please, please don’t commit suicide. Because if no one cries for you’re death, I will. If no one feels your pain, not even you, I will. Know that if no one will give a shit about you, you bet I will, because, even though we don’t know each other, that’s what friends are for.
I can’t thank you enough for that. You are obviously a kind-hearted person. If there’s anyone who shouldn’t take their own life, it’s you. I appreciate your attempt to help me. But please, help yourself. You deserve it.
I know what you mean about getting good grades without trying. I too get excellent grades without trying. I dont study, I skip classes and somehow I manage straight A’s. Every year they kept putting me in more advanced classes until they kicked me out of high school and shoved me into college right after my sophomore year. The work keeps pilling on and becoming increasingly difficult. However, talk to your friends. Think about what you really want in life. Will your death be a permanent end to a temporary situation? Or is the situation permanent too? Once you can answer these questions you should know whether you want to live. In which case you need to confide in your friends (if you want to live) and be honest.
“Think about what you really want in life.” I don’t want much of anything. I don’t have much of a desire for life or anything in it. Death is a permanent end to a situation I’ve been in for nearly as long as I can remember, one which progressively worsens. Every situation is temporary. But that doesn’t mean something better follows.
It does suck that life has no meaning, when you can’t find anything you want. Its hard to keep going each day when there isn’t anything that motivates you. My life doesn’t really make me happy, well it doesn’t particularly make me unhappy either. The vast majority of the time about the most I feel is boredom. I look at all the people around me though, and its not like I would want to trade lives with any of them. The things they work so hard for, the goals they set for themselves just all seem so unimportant. It honestly makes me tired just thinking about it.
Yea I get that. If none of the good things in your life are actually good it really is worse then having nothing. You don’t want to disappoint your friends, its not their fault you don’t feel what a normal person would. So you play along you perform your part and laugh and smile and give them all the reactions they expect even if you don’t feel any of it. Almost like you are working from a script. I find that so mentally exhausting though, ultimately I would rather just be alone, instead of having to pretend to be normal for people. Why waste the energy if you don’t even get any happiness out of it.
Its your choice, but if the suffering isn’t that bad, if you can still say you don’t really want to die, even if you don’t really want to live either. I’d personally rather hope you find something to live for instead of something to die for. As long as you are living you can always change your mind and choose to die, once you die though not really any going back. You seem cool, a person that would be worth knowing. Anyway if you choose to die I hope its painless, and if you choose to live well I hope thats painless to.
im 14 but i know so many things that i just want dont give up your life, isnt there anything you want to become? cook musician or something i mean when u always get such good grades there is so much you can do, when youre really good at school you can become as good as anything you want if you dont want to stay at your home perhaps you should ask a friend if you could stay by her or him for a short time or whatever, if your parents dont care for you then just ignore it all