I just registered for this site, like, literally five minutes ago, and I must say, I’m still a little overwhelmed that a website like this even exists (in a good way(I think)).
I guess I’ll just say it… approximately eight months ago, I tried to kill myself.
I’ve been struggling with severe clinical depression since I was 8 years old. The fact that I was considered a social pariah at school didn’t help matters. I have a recorded IQ of 145, but I was failing almost every class. I was capable of getting a 4.0, but I ended up graduating with a 2.6. I just stopped caring. I never studied for tests. Never turned in homework. My teachers all thought I was an idiot. They actively avoided calling on me in class. And when I actually found the smallest bit of motivation to turn in an assignment or actually do well on a test, I was accused of cheating. After the second accusation, I stopped talking completely at school. It started out almost as a social experiment to see how long it would take for someone- anyone to notice something was wrong. It didn’t work the way I had thought it would. After nearly a month of silence, I realised that no-one at school cared enough to notice. I started cutting and burning myself (more often than before anyways). Â
It was less than three weeks before graduation, and to be honest, I had been in a depressed haze for weeks, if not months. I had been planning it for… quite a while. I had decided to do it at school for no other reason than that my parents were home. I locked myself in the handicapped bathroom (for privacy, I guess) and I swallowed about 40 trazadone (sleeping pills). As I swallowed the last handful of pills, my stomach started to rebel against the poison I had ingested and my head started to spin, and I began thinking that maybe I didn’t want to die just yet. I sat there for a few minutes, my suicide note sitting beside me. As my vision blurred and my stomach began to burn with what seemed to be all the fires of Hell, I realised I was scared. That in itself was really no big deal. Lots of people get scared. For me it was a big deal. I hadn’t been scared- Hell I hadn’t felt much of any emotion for the past 6 months.
All of a sudden, I thought of how people would react to what I had done. Despite my “less-than-jovial” mood for the past several years, I still knew that I had people who cared about me; my family, my friends from church. And I was ashamed to admit (even to myself) that I hadn’t considered how my actions might affect them.
I still wasn’t quite sure what I was doing, but I knew I needed help. I got up from the floor and stepped out of the bathroom. I was in the basement, and no-one was around. Once vertical, the dizziness and the nausea increased ten-fold. And I kept thinking to myself “Holy shit, I’m dying. I’m fucking dying.” I tried to make it up the stairs, trying to get to the nurses office, or at least to one of the classrooms on the first floor.
I didn’t make it. I couldn’t.
I collapsed halfway up the stairs (Of course, I just happened to choose the most un-used staircase in the entire school). I managed to sit myself up and lean back against the  wall.
I started talking to myself, or maybe to God . I’m still not really sure. I was begging for the pain to stop. It felt like my stomach was eating itself.
By then, I had already vomited once, and I knew I needed to get the drugs out of my body somehow. I stuck my fingers down my throat, trying to purge myself of the poison. It worked, but not as well as I’d hoped. I kept trying, but I was getting too sleepy to even sit up straight. I think it was after about the sixth time I’d managed to vomit that I finally just leaned my head back against the wall and gave up. I closed my eyes.
I’m not sure how much time passed, but someone found me. It was a substitute teacher. I had met her a few times before. She was nice. I’m not entirely sure she knew exactly what was going on, but she told someone to get the nurse.
Five minutes later, I found myself in a wheelchair, sitting in the nurse’s office. She seemed to be a little more aware of what my symptoms meant. She kept on asking me if I had taken anything. She must have re-worded the question half a dozen times, but my answer was always “no”. I may have realised what I had done was wrong (completely idiotic is more like it), but that didn’t mean I was ready to admit what I had done to someone I barely knew.
At some point I noticed there were other students there. Kids I knew…. just… watching, like spectators at a sporting event.
I kept falling asleep, but the nurse would always shake my shoulder to wake me up. She called my mother at some point. Even though she wouldn’t let me fall asleep, I was far from lucid at that point.
My mom got to the school within ten minutes of being called and she seemed to be as suspicious as the nurse, who was still trying to get me to admit to what I had done.
My memory gets a little fuzzy at this point. All I know is my mother took me to the closest hospital, and on the short drive there, even though I don’t remember it, my mom says I finally admitted to taking the pills.
Once at the hospital, the doctors and nurses had questions that I didn’t want to answer, but did anyway because I was just far too sleepy to protest or be my usual stubborn self.
I spent about six hours in the ICU (or what passed for an ICU in such a small hospital). They put an IV in, gave me oxygen through a nasal canula and kept an eye on my blood pressure and heart rate (which were both extremely low). During that time my twin sister, Sara sat with me, asking me more questions I didn’t want to answer. My mom also sat with me for small intervals of time. And, of course, our church’s pastor came by for a quick prayer and a pep talk.
After ascertaining that I was no longer in danger of dying, the doctors sent me to a larger hospital about half an hour away (a hospital equipped with a state of the art psychiatric ward). I stayed there for a total of six days. To be honest, it was actually rather pleasant. The other petients were kind (I was the youngest person in the ward), and the nursing staff even more so.
The only thing I really didn’t like was the doctor I was assigned- or, to be more accurate, his questions.
“Have you ever tried to commit suicide before?” (Yes. Twice, in fact)
“Have you ever been abused, sexually or otherwise?” (No, but way to put such a sentitive question so bluntly)
“Have you ever cut, burned, or otherwise engaged in self-mutilation?” (Yes, quite a lot, actually)
“Is there any history of mental instability in your family?” (Not that I knew of, but my parents waited until then to drop that bombshell on me)
After six (suprisingy uneventful) days, I was allowed to leave the hospital under the conditions that I stay supervised by my parents, and start going to group therapy sessions (every day, might I add) until the doctor said I could stop. Oh, and did I mention they lasted five hours?
The sessions, like the psych ward, were surpisingly pleasant. Admittedly, I didn’t say a single word the first two days, but the people were nice. I could relate to them. Once again, I was the youngest person there by at least five or six years, and some of the older patients seemed to find me charming (no idea why) And the doctor was a pretty cool guy. He was very understanding of my various quirks (like my urge to sit on the floor to stretch out my legs, or my compulsion to always keep my hands moving). The same could not be said of any other doctor I’ve ever had (or teacher for that matter).
In the end, the doc finally got me to talk about what I had done. Maybe not to the extent he would have liked, but it was more than anyone else had gotten from me.
I am now living at home, getting ready to start college this coming Fall.
And I’m terrified that it will end up being just as horrible as high school.
I’d like to say I’m doing great and that nothing can bring me down, but that just isn’t the case. Because of the reaction from my family and friends, I don’t think suicide will ever be an option for me again (or at least I hope not), but this depression is killing me all on it’s own
I barely sleep, and if I eat one square meal in a day, I consider it a win. I’m almost bipolar in the way I treat my friends. First I’m completely closed off, then I’m an open book. I snap at my parents (which I’ve almost never done). And, for the first time in my life, I kicked my dog, because he was annoying me. I felt so bad I laid on the floor with him for two hours crying and telling him I was sorry. I’ve been getting what I think are panic attacks.
I’m glad I didn’t die that day, but I just wish I could go back to being the person I was…. Or I at least wish that I could stop hating the person I’ve become
~Ashley
17 comments
Hey Ashley, you can email me if you want pauld891 at gmail dot com. You sound like a sensitive or an Indigo. I’ve been where you are. For now, do your best to be a friend to you and not judge your experience. It’s out there I know, but it isn’t a reflection of the terrific gal inside, so no need to confuse your experience with who you are.
I only excelled in the arts and things I was interested in. A lot of people’s minds are wired differently and do not follow the learning systems in public education and post education. Like trying to fit a square in a whole…so just take it real easy on yourself, cultivate some good thoughts for you as best you can and we can chat if you like. Take care.
I started talking to myself, or maybe to God .
Hello Ashley and welcome to the online version of the psych ward…lol…just kidding
I related to your post on many levels.
1. your mensa IQ- not that i have one…mine is much lower…137
2. your confusion about whether or not you want to die or not
3. your difficulties in school – i was kicked out before of legal age
4. your own label of social pariah – I am an Aspie…or rather I have Aspergers
5. the fact that in spite of yourself you are still here….can way relate
6. the fact that you have had an OBE (out of body experience) and I am not sure you are aware of it
7. your fear of college…being like high school….absolutely not in my experience…much better atmosphere for those that feel “different”
which brings me to my last point
8. i am ashamed to say i am intrigued that you have a twin…lol…are you sick of that sort of questioning yet?….lol…you didn’t say how old you are.
I am 50 years old, the mother of 3, aged 31, 30 and 15. And the memaw to many.
I am new here as well….only a few weeks ago I came here for help myself…and found it. Praise God!….but i will admit it wasn’t easy for me….and harder for the others on the site….i’m a hard nut to crack….lol
At the time I arrived here I had successfully comitted suicide 7 times, resulting in 7 Near Death Experiences…. the first before the age of 4 and the last i pray at the age of 40, and no one knew better than me that suicide is not an option…
several weeks ago I broke again….only soooo much pain and loneliness and apathy and despair a girl can take you know…..so in a last attempt to save my sorry self….i sat at the desk and googled suicide….and in an instant i was here…..and welcomed….and still I hurt myself….but as you can see I’m still very much here….there are some here that wish not so much…lol….but here I remain.
Wanted you to know that you are welcome….that there are some very kind wonderful inspiring and compassionate souls on this site….i would name them but they would deny it all anyway….lol…but stick around….i’m sure you’ll get a chance to meet all the characters soon.
That being said…..if you would like to talk, ask questions, share, whatever, stick around….visit some of the other posts…get comfortable….and if you need me I’m usually here or check in at least once a day…would love to get to know you a little better
Namaste
Amakua
Amakua,
Thank you for the response. And thank you for your kind and welcoming words.
I’d like to start out by saying that I would love to get to know you better too. I would also like to say how utterly astaounded I am by how nice everyone on this site is. Of the dozens of posts and responses I’ve already read through, I’ve yet to come across a single biting remark. In the past, I’ve been to a couple other sites similar to this one, but they were always ruined by poor moderation. Some jerks always went around insulting everyone. It was really quite cruel. That aside, I’m very happy that I stumbled across this website.
Also, it is oddly comforting to know that you related to story on so many levels. Could you elaborate on your comment about the OBE? You’re right, I was not aware that I might have had one, but I’m also not that knowledgeable about them in the first place.
It’s good to finally hear someone say that college is better than high school. It’s something that’s really been eating at me, and it’s been the cause of many a panic attack. Although absolutely no-one knows about the attacks.
And lol. Yes, I’m a twin. But we’re nothing alike, in looks or personality. We’re fraternal. She’s the daughter who got straight A’s and almost never made a mistake in her life, and I’m the daughter with all the medical problems who “never reached her full potential”. Despite those differences, I do love my sister, and I miss her quite a bit (She’s away at college). (And no, I have yet to get sick of those kinds of questions. People always become interested when they discover I’m a twin. I’ve become somewhat used to it.) Oh, and by the way, I’m nineteen.
And finally, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I don’t know why swapping survivor stories seems to help so much, but I haven’t felt this calm in months.
That being said, I will definitely be sticking around for a while.
Thanks again,
Ashley
Hey Ashley,
Glad you’re feeling comfortable here. That being said…lol…even here you have to be careful….just not so much….they tend to look after each other very well on this site or so i’ve noticed…and we always have the choice to remove any and all comments from our posts. Stick around. You’ll soon see what I mean.
As far as the OBE, I should have said,”I believe you may have had an OBE.” And yes I know this is not what I said….lol….that being said it’s not really important…just wanted to let you know that if you have had an experience that no one would believe…i would probably be your best shot. The most significant thing to me is what “changed” your mind? You now say that suicide is not an option. Would you elucidate further? What are your new beliefs and how did you arrive at them…you admit yourself you have had a change of mind. Just curious….Might mean something to someone else if you can…i repeat…if you can …share….Would help me anyway…lol…
Also I would like to know what triggered the depression and consequent general anxiety disorder with panic ….what happened at 8?…why doesn’t your sister suffer as well?….see….i warned you….or should have that I am a sponge…lol just wondering if there were some sort of trauma there….something that made you feel unsafe in the world….too soon….just a hunch…am frequently wrong…lol
Would definitely like to hear more. As for college….if you can get your symptoms….yes i said symptoms….under control…and i know from personal experience that you can….you’re gonna love college….guaranteed…my last run at university was after the age of 40….and I still loved it…was made welcome by all….seriously….and remember I am an Aspie….I never really feel comfortable anywhere….lol…social anxiety and all that….but even I loved college and university. What are you planning…notice I said planning…to major in?…Okay…okay…I know….enough questions….lol…
Looking forward to hearing back from you.
Namaste
Amakua
Wow, that was a lot of questions. lol. I’ll try to answer them all.
What changed my mind? I’m honesty not entirely sure. Months after the fact, I tend to tell myself that it was because of my friends and family, how much I’d hate to disappoint them/ leave them. But the actual reason I decided to get off that bathroom floor and look for help? I really have no idea.
As for new beliefs? I’m not sure I actually have *new* beliefs. I think that one belief in particular has been eradicated from my mind (ie, that I want to die), and that the rest of my beliefs have been… strengthened, in a way. I’ve always been a spiritual/religious person, but lately I’ve been depending more on the church (God) for support, which I had never actually done before.
What triggered the depresssion? There was no past trauma. There was no defining moment in my childhood that could explain all my mental problems. I’ve kind of always explained it by saying that in the span of five years or so, I was diagnosed with multiple conditions. From age five to ten, the doctors told me I had asthma, ADHD, anxiety disorder, clinical depression, and anger-management issues. Several years after that, I’m told I have a degenerative cartilidge condition, in addition to spinal problems. And I guess my opinion of myself just went down from there. The many medications I was put on over the last decade or so (anti-depressants, painkillers, sleeping pills, ADHD meds… among others) kind of messed with my head as well. Then, the torturous years of middle school and high school kind of just brought everything to a head. When I’m feeling bitter, I usually tell myself that my life is so messed up because the world is trying to fuck with me.
The subsequent anxiety and panic? Once again, I don’t believe there was any one moment to cause it. I’ve always been terrified of failure. The idea that I might not finish what I set out to finish is usually what causes me to be so anxious. Which is weird though, because at the same time, I tend to just give up completely on certain endeavors without a second thought. Leave it to mind to contradict itself.
I’ll be majoring in special education and minoring in art and photgraphy.
And don’t worry about all the questions. I find talking like this very therapeutic. Besides, I’m the same way. I like to know things… about EVERYTHING. 🙂
And now, I have a question for you. Feel free not to answer it. It may be too personal. Like I said, I’ll be majoring in special ed. and things like Aspergers and cerabral palsy have always interested me. I’ve volunteered with classes and had many opportunities to work with disabled students, but I can’t just go and ask them what it’s like, can I? Most of the kids I’ve worked with are considered moderately to majorly disabled. And you seem to be extremely high functioning. I was just wondering… In general, what is it like to have Aspergers?
I hope my question doesn’t insult you. I was just curious. 🙂
~Ashley
Hey Ashley
Nice to hear from you and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that you actually could actually focus on my long winded….question filled…missive…you are a Saint…for sure…lol….I am so amazed by you and as such would like to pick your brain further if you wouldn’t mind…lol…and I will answer your question as well to be sure….but give me a wee bit of time….I have trouble putting things into words sometimes….not that the words aren’t there….they are….but focus has always been a problem…very emotional here…..and get lost in the feeling I am trying to express….so please bear with me….that is the most Aspie thing about me….hence the friggin’ (……) that everyone hates so much….I am actually holding my place in time….lol…can’t wait to tell you about Asperger’s but need you to understand something first and foremost….there is no such thing as a disabled person….just disabled thinking….they will teach you amazing things about yourself and the world….you are blessed if you follow your dream…okay leaving you in peace for a while…but just a short while while I compose…lol…you have been warned….bwahahaha…lol
Namaste
Amakua
So sorry Ashley,
Was almost done composing and then had a brain fart….have to start over again….it may be important…so please bear with me a while longer….this is good….will save words….and i waste a lot….lol
Namaste
Amakua
Okay Ashley,
I think you may be the smartest young lady I have ever met….helping yourself in spite of yourself….you don’t think you really answered any of my questions…but the truth is that you answered every last friggin one of them….just had to take the time to focus…oh yeah i get that part too…lol
The problem is where to start…hmmm…okay where i always start….with me….it’s the only view I have on the world and my place in it….lol….soooo to start….although I am significantly older than you we have more similiarities than I know you like….I also suffer from chronic degenerative disc disease….and 12 vertebra are affected….as well I have recently developed scoliosis of the spine and have severe osteo arthritis in all my joints and rheumatoid arthritis in several joints….as well i suffer from a myriad of emotional, mental, physical and yes even spiritual crisis as a result of nothing more than the pain of being me….i have 3 retroviruses that are attacking my very DNA and changing it….i suffer from PTSD, severe depressive disorder, general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, social anxiety, have dealt with agoraphobia, well let’s just say many many phobias, personality disorders, and suicidal thoughts. I feel all my emotions….rather sharply….I am a sensitive in several ways…..but I get confused by my emotions….and then they overwhelm me. And the end result of all of that was being told that I had finally managed to kill myself and that I had less than 6 months to live….if I haven’t already shared that with you I apologize….and if I have …again I apologize for the redundancy. In December of 2000, I was told by two different specialists that I had on the outside six months left. Wow….I had spent my whole life dying….or wanting to die….and now I was….can you imagine the realm of emotions I was dealing with….although I have older children….at the time I had a 4 year old still to raise…and was expecting my first grandchild….and now I get to die….have to die….ah shit….and even I managed to save myself in spite of myself.
Gonna take a quick break…Big stuff here….especially for me…sorry….bear with me….i beg alot don’t I…
right back with the next episode of
The Unsinkable Molly Brown….lol
Okay Ashley,
I’m back….good, bad or otherwise…lol
so let me just see if I understand what I just wrote…lol….
okay so the next part has to do with the PTSD i believe
Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
SYMPTOMS, TREATMENT, AND SELF-HELP
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After a traumatic experience, it’s normal to feel frightened, sad, anxious, and disconnected. Usually, with time, the upset fades and you start to enjoy life again. But sometimes the trauma is so overwhelming that you find that you can’t move on. You feel stuck with a constant sense of danger and painful memories that don’t fade.
If you went through a traumatic experience and are having trouble getting back to your regular life, reconnecting to others, and feeling safe again, you may be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). With PTSD, it can seem like you’ll never get over what happened or feel normal again. But by seeking treatment, reaching out for support, and developing new coping skills, you can overcome the symptoms of PTSD and move on with your life.
http://helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm
As you can see being such an intelligent young woman…most of us here suffer from these issues….we just don’t know why….and our official diagnosis are unique, but i think…remember i said think…i think i might have a different understanding because of wonderful you. Again I refer you to a snippet from the link:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless.
Most people associate PTSD with battle-scarred soldiers—and military combat is the most common cause in men—but any overwhelming life experience can trigger PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable.
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards, including emergency workers and law enforcement officers. It can even occur in the friends or family members of those who went through the actual trauma.
PTSD develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear.
Soooo you see…..our illnesses are our trauma….something that changes the way we have of being and understanding our world…not the world….that comes later….but just our own private world becomes agony and confusion….we don’t know how to feel…so our feelings and moods change with the four winds….we don’t know how to be…..so we continually seek for our niche or place in an inhospitable world….when we can’t even stand to seek it in our pain…whether physical, emotional, mental or spiritual…we can’t even feel safe being us….living in our bodies that have betrayed us somehow….ad nauseum….am trying to save words….really….
and now i’m gonna get real personal…so sorry love…but real personal….i feel i owe you that after the amazing gift you just gave me…..
while I am a very strong, resourceful, intelligent, loving, caring and compassionate old woman…I am many other things as well….but I bow to your superior coping skills….and wow….you’ve saved your own life more than once i now find out….okay….gonna go again for a wee bit….hard to focus…but i will leave you with this for now…and i apologize if i hurt you….it is not nor ever will be my intention
Not only do we share similiar stories…..but you have your shadow self living in your own house….your own space….even though you are not identical twins….she still reminds you every day of what you have lost….you just haven’t realized what you have found….it must be horrible to be you sometimes….but if my guess is correct….you can also vividly enjoy the best that life has to offer…..a paradox of emotions there….you are amazing….simply amazing….wow….promise will finish…sorry
Off to work on the next episode of
The Unsinkable Molly Brown
Amakua
Won’t cram the comments list all at one time Ashley….and sorry if I overwhelmed you….with my sharing….but will continue if you wish….will wait for you to moderate my last comments and ask for the next installment….seriously…almost done…lol….and you can’t say that i didn’t warn you….think of it this way…i’ll be a good case study to help you deal with your future clients…lmao…
This Lab Rat says
More Cheese Please
Amakua (or Molly, I guess)
First, I’d like to say that I really enjoy the way you write. It is a very unique style and I like it a lot. It seems to me that you write things the way you think them, which is hard for a lot of people to do. You write things inforamally. And it makes it seem like you are talking directly to me instead of through a written message.
That being said, your story really astounds me. The fact that you could go through so much and still be as kind a person as you seem to be is a true testament of fortitude. I find it very inspiring.
And I’m glad that you made it. 🙂
I’m ready and waiting for your next installment. 🙂 But there’s no need to feel rushed. 🙂 Take your time.
Hey Ashley
Thanks for your wonderful comment. That being said….I appreciate you giving me a rain check for my promise…and am afraid I will have to accept your offer….it is a lot to absorb even and especially for me….loved the salutation…lol Molly….
If you wouldn’t mind I would like to go blow off some steam…make fun of people….that’s my other passion…especially myself…lol…and then i promise you i am on it. If it keeps you intrigued….I have a special needs grandson and i help care for a special needs adult…lmao….well?….You’re golden…you don’t even understand what YOU have done for ME….ahhhh…innocence….i remember you….lol
Will continue as soon as able….but there’s a random party here tonight and they’re spinning my head….if you happen across the post…don’t be scared….this is just something that some of the regulars do here to blow off steam….lol…while trying to save their own lives and the lives of each other…lol…all very serious i’m afraid…
I hope to have it done tomorrow at the latest….but in the meantime….what do you think?….can you see where i’m headed….want to guess?….btw….i am talking directly to you….i knew you’d get it….hence the damn dots…..lol…you’re going to be very successful in your chosen field…I can see that already….and am merely jealous of the arts and photography….take good pictures of thumbs and skies and draw a mean stick figure here…lol….but i like music and philosophy….can you tell?…lol
Gonna go see who I’ve managed to scare off in the meantime….talk soon
Blessed Be
Amakua(Molly)…huh…ever see the movie?…
Good Morning Ashley,
See…didn’t forget….which is good for old folks like me…lol. Maybe just not so good for you….lol…
Sooo…the Aspergers’ ….lol…well to begin with….i wasn’t diagnosed until after my 15 year old was diagnosed….but it began from the moment i was born….Aspergers is a PPD..pervasive personality disorder….and they have placed it on the autism spectrum….but it is definitely high functioning….and also very rare in women. Always been different…why would this be any different…lol
As my grandmother and mother tell me….I was a miserable child…Iwas a miserable baby…refused to be held even for feedings….had my bottle propped from day one….or i wouldn’t eat….just cry….must have been hard for my mother….i was extremely shy and withdrawn they said….by the time I was a toddler….I had to be medicated for night terrors etc….but I know I didn’t have night terrors….I still don’t dream….even now….I have vivid memories before the age of 4….I used to sit on the countertop and bash my head on the top cupboards….over and over again….trying to knock myself out of my body….I would hold my breath for inhumanly long periods of time….had already figured out if I didn’t breathe that I would die and be able to go home….how can a 4 year old be suicidal?….even shocks me….but it is the truth. The last time I remember doing this to my poor mother….she called the doctor….she was scared because I was turning lots of lovely colours and refused to breathe….the doctor still made house calls then….but it took him several minutes to get there….and when he did….I still hadn’t taken a breath….He checked me over….and patted me on the head….and said…have fun….but you won’t be successful….As my mother tells me….he then took her into the dining room….gave her a scrip for valium and wished her luck….lol…he told her that I could not kill myself that way….that eventually i would lose consciousness and my body would take over for me….but that being said….he told her that I was the strongest willed child he had ever seen….but that it might not be a bad idea to take me to a child psych….my mother was horrified and refused…..and then spent the next 10 years trying to force me to be normal….lol….my mom was a teacher….oh the shame…..so by 4 I knew that I was trapped here….but still I figured if I didn’t talk no one could see me and I would just disappear…so I stopped talking for well over a year….that got me a trip to a “special” nursery school….and I spent the next year sitting on a stool in the library corner….if anyone talked to me, came near me, or God forbid touched me….I would start to scream and wouldn’t stop until they went away. Nothing could touch me and nothing could reach me….I just wanted to go home, and not to my house…lol. There is a picture of me at the school…it is in the media section …not attached currently….but you’ll notice I didn’t know how to smile….still don’t really…but they say the smile when it comes….reaches my eyes…lol…in the end i was very angry with my mother my whole entire life until just before I turned 40…i have had a very traumatic life and always figured if my mother had just sought help for me at the age of 4, that maybe it wouldn’t have been so horrible….until the doctor explained that my mother had done me the biggest favour….and i should turn around and thank her….she said that unfortunately they didn’t understand autism and the spectrum at that time….and that if i had been seen I would have been diagnosed as autistic and institutionalized….ergo…i would nave had NO life….lol….if we live long enough…we really do start to get smarter…lol…i said start to…and then I had my youngest daughter….and she was just like me…lol…only there were no bottle proppings in my house…..i tried everything to comfort her….and spent alot of time making eye contact….and saying things like….”I see you….I see you in there.”….lol….music worked the best…just saying…to comfort that is….she was 10 before she could figure out how to make a swing work….has obsessive compulsions to collect specific things like knowledge of her current interests or business cards and coupons….lol….and very serious about it ya know…..but she is very intelligent….a gift she uses against herself better than I ever could….and now we are dealing with the anxiety and depression that they warned me about….imagine you don’t feel like part of anything your whole life….what the teen years must be like for her….I don’t know was self-medicating long before I got there…lol….but just another hurdle to jump for sure….she wants to connect….but has social anxieties and no people skills….you can look up the symptoms for yourself if you want to understand the basics…..but here is what I wanted to tell you most…
My grandson Aiden…..my heart….he unfortunately is not so high functioning…falls about the middle of the autism scale….but i tell myself it could have been worse….he did have me atleast….someone who understands you might say….he and I spend a lot of time outdoors in nature…an interest that we share….oh yeah…and sometimes his sister goes too….but she doesn’t enjoy it the way we do….just saying….him we almost lost because he refused to eat at all….has never used the bottle….still at 9 he is overly fussy about food….will only eat certain things….have noticed his favourite food colour is orange…will eat anything orange…andhis preferences change constantly….doesn’t like food that is mixed together in any way etc….the quirks are too numerous to mention….he refused to communicate, learn to read, etc. until just this year….he wanted to learn how to knit….but I told him he had to learn to read a pattern first…..and he is doing amazing….very strong willed individuals on the autism spectrum….just warning you…lol…by the time he was four he still wasn’t talking….they recommended speech therapy….after 2 years….he had still refused to talk….to anyone but me and eventually his mother….put him in a special program this summer….amazing difference….he has actually made his first playmate and is learning how to play with others…finally….i digress….
I was going to be babysitting my grands for the weekend and I called and talked to his sister first….I said…Memaw is coming to play this weekend and I was wondering if you would like me to bring you a special treat….and she told me what she wanted….then she put her brother on the phone….the most I could get out of him was grunts…..so I did something even I can’t believe….I told him just this once that I would help him out….but that he needed to learn to talk eventually but for now we would talk in the old way….so I told him that when he went to sleep that night and went to his special place….that I would meet him there and he could let me know then what he would like….but just this once i said….he started laughing and dropped the phone….my daughter picked up the phone and said,”What the hell did you say to my son?…He won’t stop laughing and I’ve never seen him so happy before?” I said, don’t worry…we’re good….so i kept my promise and brought him what he had asked for the next night….he was thrilled….and he hasn’t stopped talking since….took us along time to understand…but atleast he was talking….let’s just say that we have a “special” bond….lol….the truth is that they are not disabled merely overly abled sometimes….and because they don’t connect enough in this reality….they exist half in this one and half in the other…..really not all here ever….maybe that’s where that phrase came from…just thought someday this information might come in handy….and I apologize once more for the verbage…If you have any specific questions about the disorder….i have sources in all age categories….lol….just ask.
so now back to you….lol….what was the bombshell that your parents dropped?….hmmmm….and did you get any of my rantings about PTSD….check it out yourself…most people think it occurs if you are attacked or traumatized….but some of us are traumatized just by being here….so when something even illness changes how we fit in the world….it can throw us off track for sure….i have some idea of what you deal with…i have 4 siblings…but thank God no twin…lol….weird thing…i was told once that I was a twin in utero and absorbed my twin….who knows….crazier things than that i believe in…soo….lol…but a constant reminder of what was and could be….wow….you are a lot stronger than I will ever be….just saying
You are going to be a blessing to this world….there is a reason you are the way you are….you just have to be patient and understand that God doesn’t make junk….you may just not understand yet….but don’t ever quit looking for your answers….they are there….but not out there…in you….time is a great teacher….stick around and see…lol…and now i’ll shut up….would like to know more about you for sure…..let me know if I haven’t managed to scare you off….or put you into a coma with the length of my comments…lmao
It was perfect, it is perfect, it will be perfect…as you are perfect
Namaste
Amakua
Amakua,
Thanks so much for sharing. Your story is rife with emotion, both happy and sad. Your grandson sounds like an interesting and wonderful individual. 🙂 I’ve always loved stories like yours and Aiden’s. It’s one of the reasons for the major I’ve chosen.
And just to clarify, you answered my question perfectly. I wasn’t looking for the besic info or anything like that. I wanted a real-life account. And yours exceeded expectations. 🙂
As for the info on PTSD. Yes, I read through it and I visited the site. And you’re right, I’ve always associated the disorder with battle-scarred soldiers and victims of assault. I have never really thought of it as a possibility for me. But… looking at the symptoms…? Maybe. I think I may need to learn about it a little more.
~Ashley
PS- Iy’s pretty hard to scare me off. I’m pretty sure you’re stuck with me. 😛
Hey there Ashley
Glad I could help if somehow i managed to….i tend to complicate everything or so i am told…lol…those that say that could never live in my head or walk a mile in my shoes….and i for one am just glad if no one ever has to….seriously…ever….that being said….lol…
Before you insult somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you insult them and they find out… you’ll be a mile away and have their shoes!
lmao….at myself as usual….so are you writing a paper….or just personal research….me i don’t mind being lab rat as long as i get lots and lots and lots of cheese…lol…seriously if you got anything out of my verbal diarrhea….you are a genious….but here’s the really scary part….i don’t lie and i don’t dream….weird eh?
I’ve learned to be more tactful…sometimes…but lying…not so much….sticks in my craw like that….but as my boyfriend tells me….you forget your audience sometimes and then you really spin their heads….lol…so if i do so…forgive me…it’s the damn autism….i swear…lol….look it up….
As for the PTSD…we all have it…that’s the truth….it should more accurately be called “THE HUMAN CONDITION”
sorry posted that by accident…that was weird…maybe you just need a break now eh?….lol….let me know
it was perfect, it is perfect, it will be perfect as you are perfect….ahhhh
Amakua
This is all just because of personal curiosity. And despite what others may have said, you haven’t complicated a thing. In fact, you’ve cleared up quite a few things for me. 🙂 Based on what you’ve told me about yourself, I think we seem to function on similar wavelengths. To put it simply, we’re both different in a very similar way. lol. That might not have been simpler, but whatever.
And you don’t lie or dream? That’s VERY intriguing. I actually don’t dream either, or at least not for the last ten or so years. I’ve actually heard of certain cases where people with Aspergers find it very difficult, or even impossible to lie, but I’ve never encountered anyone who has experienced it. Odd question; Is it that you are unable to lie, or do you just not ever feel urged to do so?
Lol, and I tend to forget my audiences as well. Especially when I’m writing. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve been talking about one thing or another, and I just go on some random tangent, without any thought of who it is I’m talking to. I can think half a dozen times in the last twelve hours that that has happened to me.
lol. Despite the age difference, you and I seem to have quite a lot in common.
~Ashley