My mother left my father when I was 2 years old. He was an alcoholic and used to be a little violent against my mother.
I’m turning 24 this year.
My father has changed. He doesn’t have a problem with the alcohol now, he drinks, but not every day. He is well now.
He always send me gifts. Birthdays and christmas. This christmas he called me. He’s done it before. We talk, and I love it. Everytime he calls, after we hung up I cry for hours. I so badly want to have a relationship with him, but I’m a coward. I live in another town, so I can’t really see him if I’m not visiting my mother who lives there to. My hometown.
So, he calls me at my birthday and around christmas.
Three days ago he called me again. I could hear it in his voice he wasn’t having a good time. I could also hear he was drunk.. After we hung up I cried again. It hurts me so f-ing bad that he is hurting. Before we hung up, he also said to me “if you want to call me, just call, and I can call you back up so you don’t have to pay for it”. My heart breaks more the older I get.
And the older I get the more I regret not trying earlier.
I’ve been considering taking my life before. This is no longer an option because I care to much about the people around me, and I know a lot of them  will be damaged if I leave, guess I’m lucky that way. But because of this, I live a life I don’t want to live.
When I have my down periods, I’m really waaaay deep.
I’ve been planning to call my dad when I get my grades on the exam I had before christmas. I hope I get a good grade so he can be proud of me. Because if he is proud of me I know he will be happy knowing I turned out (almost) alright even though he was never around. Guess I’m a huuuuuge case of daddy issues. I really don’t trust any men. The only man I ever trusted and loved with all my heart was my grandpa and he died 6 years and a half year ago. Gosh I wish he was here sometimes.
And the crying starts again.. 🙁
Anyone ever been in the same situation? Having almost no relationship with your mother or father, and then trying after a while?
I keep thinking every day “what if he dies”.. I don’t ever think I could live with myself if I don’t ever get to say “I love you daddy” face to face..
Please help me, I don’t know how to stop my tears 🙁
3 comments
I do understand,i never lived with my father i knew my father until i was 4 years old and since that age i talk to my father maybe three times at year and i am lucky if i see him at least once at year I found out it hurts more knowing how it feels to have a father even for a day and miss that feeling the hole year wishing there was someone there that could make me feel protected and loved. But hey i still have my dad he is in the army so i am always afraid something will happen to him but i tell him how much i love him every time i can and try to keep him with me every day i can by remembering all of the things he says to me.
If you can’t go and visit him, how about asking him to visit you for lunch/dinner? He obviously wants to, you just need to let him know you want it to.
Don’t waste another day, take him up on his offer. And maybe even tell him your exam resultsin person. x
Yes. I have.
ok, so my mother and father used to meet up once every two weeks, and get really drunk and sleep with each other. When my mother found out she was pregnant, my father was in Rwanda in an aid project. He came straight home, and took my mother to live with him in his hometown, the other side of the country to where they lived. I as born and he went to san francisco after that, with another woman, and left my mother. I’m not sure how old I was when he left, I was under 1 at least. Anyways, he was madly in love with her, and married her, adopting her daughter and they had a son together. My father has always tried to be in my life, and has sent money and stuff. I don’t really think about him or my brother and sister much, I love them but they’ were just not part of my life. But I’ve never gotten on with my mother, we’ve a very antagonistic relationship and she’s very controlling. I live with my father now, on the other side of the world, and it’s ok, but I want my mother to be a mother to me, I wish we were close, but she doesn’t understand me. So in a way, my ex-stepmother, the mother of my sister and brother is the only parent I have. But it’s ok, I have a strong group of friends, and I don’t really need my parents. I wish my mother would understand that, that I don’t need her, but I want her to be a mother and try to understand me. I think maybe, you should just call him and TELL him you need to talk, I mean, he knows I think that that’s what you want..