i thought this would be my last week.

Crying, I sat on the edge of my bed. 4 guys texting me, but all they wanted was sex.  Surely I’d be used to it by now. I’m not a human to them, I’m a toy, easily replaced.

Hi, I’m a 16 year old girl. In a way, I feel average. I think every teenager goes through this depression of feeling unloved, unwanted, and ultimately rejected. I feel like I can’t handle it. Walking through school, i can hear kids whispering, “gross” “i hear she smokes pot” “You remember the time she farted in 4th period? so gross” “slut” “smells like poor”….. i could go on. Of course, going to a highly competitive cut-throat prep school doesn’t help. I don’t compete well, and this whole depression thing has really taken a toll on my motivation to even try. My family is abusively dysfunctional, which really doesn’t help with the self-esteem thing. Some say you can’t go on without a childhood, but these days, a childhood is a mere luxury.

I don’t even feel human anymore. I feel like a ghost. I’m slowly self-destructing. My body, mind, and spirit are all falling appart. It’s like every time my father yells that i’m a lost cause, or a screwup, or whatever demeaning name he comes up with, I have to carve it in my arm. It’s a reminder to myself of how the world sees me. Why go on? What’s ahead? Dropping out of high school? Living in an apartment with a guy  barely know? smoking so much pot just to feel like I’m not part of this world? Why live if all that’s ahead is struggling day to day to make ends meet? Life is hard, death is easier.

I laid back onto my bed, and decided it was time to die. No fear of heaven, hell, pain, or regret changed my mind. If I wasn’t so weak from being sick, I would’ve done it. I still want to do it. It’s like I’m in a box, and all that will change is age. My path is leading me to be a hobo, dead in a box. My parents can’t live forever, and I doubt I’d be able to support myself. Why live in suffering for ten more years when I can save myself some energy and die while I’m young?