When I sit and think about my life, there is only a few good memories and few times when I can remember being genuinely happy. I feel that I am just going through repetitive motions everyday. I am taking 5 classes and working 36 hours a week. I have a good job and make good money. I am always so busy trying to keep up with school and work but I rather it be that way than to have time for my mind to travel.
From other people’s perspective, I have it all. But it is a very different story from my point of view. I honestly don’t get any joy out of anything at all. Nothing I achieve  nor the outlook of my future impresses me. I am just here, but for what?
My family knows of my constant struggle. They are the most influential reason why I am still conforming. My father’s dad shot and killed my grandmother and then committed suicide. My dad was 13 at the time and watched this happen. He has made me promise to never hurt him like this again.
This gets even crazier. When I was growing up, my parents always told my brother and I that our grandparents died in a car accident. But in 8th grade we were on vacation and I woke up crying out of a dead sleep. I had dreamed the whole scene of my grandparents death without ever knowing about it. My father then told me that’s what happened. Why did this happen? How could this be possible?
My whole life just feels empty. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even cry anymore…getting pretty numb to the pain. I would almost rather hurt than to feel nothing and lifeless.
4 comments
I had an ex named lauren who left me for another, so I was surprised to see someone with that name here. She also had a brother, a little one. lol. I know how you feel. Sometimes life feels like it’s missing something. Good memories can sometimes bring back regrets wanting to relive them once again. I have that feeling all the time too, having nightmares that wake me up at night unable to sleep… but killing yourself isn’t a good way out of it. It’s not worth it. You are in control of your life. I also have a future that I’m not looking forward to, nothing good or amazing to motivate me, so I can understand how you feel. I think you should try to find something that interests you. Maybe a sport or hobby you can enjoy doing. Something that maybe you even want to consider doing later in life. Sometimes when you think too much about something, you’ll dream of it. I suggest keep on talking about it here or with others, so you don’t have to keep it all to yourself. I’m here if you need anyone to talk to about that stuff. I’ve been in those instances, tried killing myself several times, and been through it all and finally came to realize that living is good too.
Yeah, I guess there are somethings that are worth living for. It just sucks when you can think of a billion reason why you should do it and like 2 of why you shouldn’t. I’ve been in a mental hospital before for attempting but those are a joke. They don’t care if you get “better” they just don’t want to be held responsible. But as far as doing shit to get my mind off of life…its hard to find the time honestly. I am a very busy person and I hide behind this act. Its funny because the people I work with always talk about how happy I am and always smiling…obviously, I have become pretty damn good at hiding how I feel. Idk just don’t want to burden anyone else but at the same time I feel like I live a constant lie. My train of thought is just all over the place right now but thanks for your post!
Yeah, some of those hospitals and therapists won’t do much to aid you. They won’t really care. You’ll have to find someone who actually went through the same things or are still going through it to really care and understand. It’s all good to hide how you feel so that others won’t think bad of you, but you shouldn’t hold it all in. :3 you can always talk to people here or talk to me if you want. I’m usually busy with schoolwork and stuff, but I do log on. One thing to watch out for is… not everyone here is a good person. I was friends with some people here and trusted them and they lynched me and harrassed me with texts, trying to make me feel suicidal. :3 so just be careful of that… but other than that, there are still some people here who are actually caring and not want others to feel the same sorrows they’ve felt.
You require change.
Put it this way:
If you never change anything and continue on your path you will continue to work all day and night doing things that don’t actually make you happy. You’ll have lots of money and no clue how not to be miserable. I don’t know what that kind of atmosphere is going to do for your personality over a decade…or two…or the rest of your life…but I can’t imagine it’s good.
If you do make a change and it doesn’t work out, there’s always time to step back. And a change will at least be exciting. It might even hurt a little bit so you can feel a bit of that pain and shock that makes you realize, yes, you are very much alive.
If you kill yourself now before trying something radical to fix your life then I think that’s the sad part. I mean, if you’ve got nothing to lose and no where but UP to go then that’s probably the best gamble anyone will ever be offered in the history of life. Take it.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
If you’ve always had troubles feeling happiness even in situations where you very clearly should have (ie: you can’t think of a good or logical reason why you might have not been happy that day)
ie: It was your birthday and it was a great party….but maybe a girl you liked and finally had the courage to ask you out turned you down that day. On the surface it seems like, whoa, why is this guy unhappy he’s being thrown such an awesome party! But there is a reason…it’s not a short circuit, so to speak.
If you do have problems feeling happiness even when you should and there’s really no reason (ie: you really want to be a dancer but your parents have shaped you so you can only have pride in yourself if you become a doctor, or whatever)….Then you probably should see a psychiatrist.
I’m no fan of pharmaceuticals and, in all honesty, even if this is the problem I don’t know if you’ll find a ‘solution’ or even any real help…but you might and it’s worth a shot.
On the other hand, don’t ever discount the effect of diet, exercise and environment. If the people surrounding us make us miserable and judge us harshly and make us afraid to be who we would really want to be then that’s a WAY better place to start than taking pills.